Let Me Off!

Yesterday I mentioned that I would devote a post to the wonderful news I received last night, so here it is!

I was sitting at the dinner table stuffing my face with pizza and salad when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number and almost didn't answer but something urged me to. Well I'm happy I did because it was the lovely Mrs. I-take-care-of-the-wives-and-girlfriends calling with the news I have been waiting for since October. 

I got my first set of possible homecoming dates!!! It's earlier than I expected and so far not in conflict with any exams, which is amazing, She also gave me some news about where we will be able to pick them up and how soon after they arrive they plan on having them released to us. All in all good news. I do realize this is all subject to change at any time, but I'm kinda hoping it sticks within the time line she gave me because it works perfectly for my life. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but it's the truth. 

I still don't understand why I'm not more excited... 

I'm kind of scared to be honest, well actually I'm feeling a lot of emotions about the whole thing. 

To me, the timing of the news and the news itself is like taking me off the roller-coaster of deployment and throwing me straight onto the teacups before I've even realized what's hit me. (And my news I am referring to both what CB told me and the phone call). I just thought I had figured shit out and the rules are about to change on me, AGAIN! I can not wait to get off this ride and go back to something simpler, like the carousel. 

On The Brighter Side

I figured since all I did was bitch in my last post, today I would focus on the silver lining of a few things.
The good news:

• 2 months left in deployment.

There actually may be less than 2 months left, according to CB. He wont give me dates, obviously, but he has hinted my countdown is way off, in a good way. Woohoo!!! I am still trying to keep my countdown in mind because we all know the dates are subject to change at any time, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on my original date I guessed he'd be home.

• Cece might have a new love interest

She may not be home on weekends by the time CB is home!!! He doesn't live here so she'd have to travel to see him. He's a soldier as well, which we both laughed about because she has told me countless times she can't do what I do, in regards to deployment.

• My first day off from school or work in a long time is right around the corner! SUNDAY!!

I use to hate Sunday's because it meant CB was going back to base but this week it means I get to stay in my pjs all damn day if I want to. I do still hate the weekends. I thought 4 months into deployment I'd be over it but a part of me still knows this is when he should be here with me. I think that's why I'm so grumpy at work on the weekends, all the couples make me jealous. I just want to grab the girls and shake them and say "Do you know how lucky you are that you get to waste your Saturday at IKEA with your boyfriend???" But chances are I'd get fired pretty quickly....So instead I just live vicariously through them for the few minutes they are at my cash.

• I got my grades back for last semester, finally, and I am pretty happy with them!! I did better than I thought in my forensic class so thats a plus!!!

Speaking of school, sitting in a class for 420 people is annoying. I know I said I was going to stay positive but  come one, it is me after all. In this particular class laptops and all electronic devices are banned unless you can  prove you require one. Well this girl sitting in front of me last night somehow got a note to say she needed hers to take notes, fine! Except for the girl spent the ENTIRE class on facebook and every other site she could think to google. Do you have any idea how distracting that is?? All I can see in a dark classroom is her computer screen glowing in my face as she's chatting away. Needless to say, I understand why the Prof banned them and I will be making sure not to sit behind her again.

• I love my dog. If I didn't have him to give all my love and affection to during this I would go insane. 

I Thought I'd be Happy

I'm 6 days away from my self determined half way point of CB's deployment....
I thought by this point I would be excited to reach a major milestone in CB's deployment, but I'm not....
I feel like I'm back at the begging, like we just started and he just left.
I feel myself slipping back into myself, wanting to withdraw from everything and hide out in my room. My desire to be around others is dwindling, I dread having to go to work, and I just want to sleep all day. This is exactly what I went through the first few weeks he was gone. I thought these feelings were behind me... I thought wrong.

I guess this is what you get for having expectations. Nothing every goes as planned, I should know this by now. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about not being happy because obviously it will only make it worse. I figure my Debby-downer mood is due to the fact that it's the holidays, all the more reason to miss him, and I've spent so much time at his place in the last little bit which only rams home the point that he isn't here.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want it to be done. I want to cry, scream, and seriously just break down and quit. I want my soldier home! I'm sick of the background on my cell phone mocking me with his picture. I'm sick of seeing missed calls from unknown numbers and instantly wanting to cry. I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I hate the feeling that comes along with knowing you are missing your other half. I can't stand crying myself to sleep and waking up in the morning only to have my mascara smeared pillows remind me of how upset I was last night. (yes, I'm too lazy to take my makeup off at night...)

But quitting is not an option. I love him too much that walking away would be way more painful. I promised him I would be here waiting and I will be, there is no other option. If he is strong enough to be there then I have to be strong enough to be here, without him.

On my new x-mas list - a fast forward button

2 weeks! New rule!

I realized the other day while I was talking with lil sis that I have to stop being negative. As much as I want to say "Oh My GOD! It's only been 2 weeks!!!!" I need to think " Oh wow, it's already been two weeks!!" Except .....except,except,except I can't help but add "22 more to go" with a sarcastic tone in my head. I want to kick my own ass! I feel like I am self sabotaging. This is no longer aloud! It's officially a rule!

...Oh and as for crying on city buses, that is also no longer allowed and also a rule!

I scared the life out of myself this morning.
I wondered downstairs after waking up to let the dog out and in search of a nice cup of last nights left over coffee. Get the dog out the back door and a mug in the microwave, things are starting off great! I go to check on Pooper and watch him while I wait for the magical *BEEP*your coffee is now reheated *BEEP*. Well as I turned around to walk back to the kitchen I notice what looks to be like a man sitting on the sofa and I screamed! I was so caught off guard I tripped and landed on my ass. Apparently I had left Huge-O downstairs last night and I thought he was a real person. My mom came down laughing at me knowing exactly what had just happened. She told me after we were done laughing he creeped her out a few times last night too as she was moving around the kitchen and living room.
Anyways just in case your wondering, the coffee was wonderful!

CB's game, Medal of Honor? (how bad is that I ordered it, paid for it, opened the box, and I still can't tell you the name of the thing...) came in yesterday! He's going to be super excited....in about a month from now lol. I'm getting all the last things together for his care package. Canada post apparently has free shipping from October 18th to January 2nd which is super awesome but I've been warned to expect some issues with them. Apparently they don't understand or like the protocol  I have to follow in order to ship anything to him, they want full information on the box and apparently this usually results with forcing them to make a phone call or taking the parcel somewhere else. Hopefully this is not the case here and it's just an exaggerated story someone decided to tell me.

Mid terms are on Wednesday, I have entered mini panic mode, I expect to hit full panic freak out by about Tuesday afternoon. PLEASE BE MULTIPLE CHOICE!!!!!!

*What I miss about him most - his love for my shoes, I need new boots and hes so supportive of my shoe addiction. He so fun to shop with and I love how we go shopping for me but we end up shopping for him. I could watch him change all day.

Happy Dance!!!

I got my first phone call from CB today!! I almost missed it actually.

I woke up this morning and made my way downstairs to the smell of coffee brewing. Still being half asleep I decided to grab a cup before it had even brewed half the pot, big mistake! Way too strong. Add a little sugar, add a little milk, and sat down to have my morning cigarette with mom.
Out of no where, I thought I heard my phone ringing. I bolted up the stairs, start throwing my duvet around till my phone falls out and I see "Incoming Call - Private Name Private Number". I mentally tell myself don't get too excited, it's probably a wrong number or a telemarketer.
Me: Hello?
Caller:...
Mental thought - there is suppose to be a delay in the timing when he calls, holly shit it might be him! Fuck! Stop getting excited it's probably rogers calling for money.
Me: Hello????
Caller: Hi
Mental thought - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Me: HI!!!!!!
Caller: Hey, its _____!
Me: I KNOW!!!
I cried as soon as we hung up. It made the situation real. It sunk in that he isn't at regular work, he's at war....
Wow, that was hard to even write...I can't bring myself to say it out loud.

I have to send a care package off ASAP because apparently he's already getting sun burnt and forgot a few things. I'm just waiting for his PS3 game that I pre-ordered to come in early next week. I need to come up with some more ideas of things to send him because he gave me some huge boxes to ship things in and I can't send them like 1/4 full. Any suggestions?




Onto other news
I hate my job!!!!!

Okay so that's not news...Someone give me the strength to at least last till the end of this week before I walk out.

*What I miss about him most today - they way he smells, his cologne, his deodorant, even his sweaty stinky smell. I miss it all!

Day 1 of 180

Today is the day I've been dreading....Today is the day he left.

 I tried my best not to cry in front of him when we said goodbye and I did pretty well till I sat in my car for a minute. I thought of how cold I might have been in trying to be strong so I, being a little dramatic, jumped back out of my car and ran over to him as he walked to his and told him I needed a better hug. I couldn't hold back my tears this time.

To look at the silver lining if you will I've been telling myself that today is the farthest day away from him being home. Everyday after is one day closer to him coming home.

I took the week off of work to spend with him and it was great. Except...well his best friend moved in about a month ago and she has really made things awkward at times. She got grumpy or something this week and it just got out of hand.

CB and I were looking at potential real estate properties online one night, he wants to start flipping when he gets home, and she freaked out! She thought we were looking to buy a house for ourselves and really didn't like the idea of it. There was a number of other things that took place but this is one of my top two piss offs from her so far.

It took me a minute to figure out why this upset her so much but I did it! CB and her agreed for her to stay with him till she found a job and then found a place. They estimated it would take about as long as he would be away for, 6 months. WRONG. This is not her plan. Her plan is to stay until she is done school. She has no intention of leaving for the next 2 years.

It just didn't make the checklist to come to my conclusion

How did I figure this out you ask? There were a lot of clues...
1. She wanted to get a dog with him
2. She has not picked up a classified add since she got here for a place or for a job
3. She has not written a resume
4. She has refused to find a job that will force her to speak English, it's her second language
5. Way to many to list
6. I caught her come out right and say it!

Now this isn't a huge deal, right? It better not be, but early indicators say it might be. I told CB right off the bat of what I feel her intentions are, he claims he didn't realize it but agrees with me, and that I do worry about how her living with him for the next 2 years may influence our relationship. I only get to see him on weekends when he is home, now on top of that I have to make sure I leave enough time for them to spend together otherwise she gets cranky?
Poor CB stuck in the middle...

Just a quick note on the second thing she did that's eating at me. She had her final dinner with him one night, her plans got canceled on the night him and I were suppose to have our last dinner together so I asked her to join us. It was sushi, nothing fancy, what did I care if she tagged along? That is until CB sat on the side of the table set for one and she sat on the side of the table set for two directly in-front of him. I spent the whole dinner as the 3rd wheel. Thank god it wasn't a romantic dinner...
I realize it's childish and I sucked it up and didn't say a thing and enjoyed our meal just the same, but it still really ticked me off! I feel like she's forcing her self on me, and between us.

Well it's officially the end of day one. 179 more to go.
I've got his hoodie on and Huge-O in bed with me.
I hate not knowing where he is....
Sweet dreams

*What I miss about him most - the way he says "ME!!" when he wants affection, it always makes me smile.