I Thought I'd be Happy

I'm 6 days away from my self determined half way point of CB's deployment....
I thought by this point I would be excited to reach a major milestone in CB's deployment, but I'm not....
I feel like I'm back at the begging, like we just started and he just left.
I feel myself slipping back into myself, wanting to withdraw from everything and hide out in my room. My desire to be around others is dwindling, I dread having to go to work, and I just want to sleep all day. This is exactly what I went through the first few weeks he was gone. I thought these feelings were behind me... I thought wrong.

I guess this is what you get for having expectations. Nothing every goes as planned, I should know this by now. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about not being happy because obviously it will only make it worse. I figure my Debby-downer mood is due to the fact that it's the holidays, all the more reason to miss him, and I've spent so much time at his place in the last little bit which only rams home the point that he isn't here.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want it to be done. I want to cry, scream, and seriously just break down and quit. I want my soldier home! I'm sick of the background on my cell phone mocking me with his picture. I'm sick of seeing missed calls from unknown numbers and instantly wanting to cry. I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I hate the feeling that comes along with knowing you are missing your other half. I can't stand crying myself to sleep and waking up in the morning only to have my mascara smeared pillows remind me of how upset I was last night. (yes, I'm too lazy to take my makeup off at night...)

But quitting is not an option. I love him too much that walking away would be way more painful. I promised him I would be here waiting and I will be, there is no other option. If he is strong enough to be there then I have to be strong enough to be here, without him.

On my new x-mas list - a fast forward button

Crying in public is not okay!

Have you ever noticed when you hear a new word or phrase all of a sudden it's everywhere?? Well apparently it's the same concept for things you miss. Miss something and you will see signs, hints, and many other things that remind you of what you miss.

What the hell am I going on about? CB! I miss him.
There was a man who smelt like him on the bus. There were men in camo everywhere, I swear I saw at least 5 of them. Not to mention how many people I noticed in D.U.'s. Of course I think I noticed every single cute couple on campus. Every lecture I had today somehow tied in either military training, clips of the soldiers away at war, and PTSD.  Oh and lets not forget how my playlist only seemed to have sappy songs on it.
(This is me noticing psychological theories in action, if you are in a sad mood you pick up on "sad" cues, if you are in a good mood you will notice more positive cues.)

Anyways, all of this just to say I cried in the middle of a packed city bus......

No, I did not sob like a mad person and start hyperventilating. I am not that insane.

You see.. what happened was the bus was crowded, I gave my seat to an elderly woman and was left standing. I had one hand holding onto a bar for dear life with the other trying to keep my heavy ass bag on my shoulder (freaking laptop apparently gained weight and now weighs a ton). Now that's all fine and dandy, I'm use to it.

What is not all fine and dandy? Me being all down and out missing CB and a playlist that insists on playing every single sad song I have ever downloaded one right after the other. I mean it went from Lifehouse to Sia to Marron 5 to Boys II Men (yes you may laugh at my music choices). Now normally I would just reach into my pocket and just skip over songs or reshuffle everything, and I did try when I felt my eyes getting watery but every time I tried I failed, epically.The first time my bag fell right off my shoulder. The second time I let go of the bar when we were stopped just to have the bus take off by the time I had unsnapped my pocket, I almost landed on my ass. Thank you kind sir who caught me.

Only picture a woman, on a bus, falling in a crowd backwards, not forwards. Not exactly sure what search words should be used to find that photo on Google image so you'll have to use your imagination a little to edit this one.

By the 3rd time it was too late my eyes had been tearing up this whole time and my mantra to myself "crying in public is not okay:" apparently was useless because among a bunch of strangers I began to cry...

The tears just rolled down my checks and I couldn't stop them. My emotions overtook me and I became helpless to fight them. I have come to the conclusion I am suffering from either a very big case of the "blues" or a very,very mild depression....
To get over this the plan is as follows: get a job, make some money, get a gym membership and work out. Working out releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Pssh who needs psychologist when you can self diagnose and develop your own action plan to getting better!

*What I miss about him most - his innocent  "I wasn't doing anything" face when hes being mischievous