Monday, December 27, 2010


I know I haven't posted in a while, I haven't really felt like it much.
There isn't much to report on my end.
Christmas was great, getting ready for new years. I've heard from CB a few times, he is doing really well and managing to keep his spirits up and a bunch of them managed to get hammered for Christmas by the sounds of it, I can't say I'm surprised.

Take that you annoying donut! You're half gone and getting smaller by the day

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Feel Like a Lobster

This is going to be short and to the point

  • Still in a blah mood
  • Hurt myself at work, not seriously but still enough that I'll need to visit the doctor tomorrow. I hurt my wrist, it's in a tension band and I feel like I have a claw for a hand.
  • My car is ready YAY! It was nothing major!
  • Braved 4 malls yesterday and I'm still not done my Christmas shopping... I'm scared to see what the stores are like tomorrow.
  • Got one of my final exam marks back.... not happy with it but I did pass! B+ isn't anything to complain about considering all I've been dealing with this semester, just sucks cause I was in line to get at least an A...meh
And I saved the best news for last! I got my 2nd Christmas gift today in the mail! CB's present arrived today!
Actually I lied I got 2 Christmas gifts today! The jacket and a gift card from my "little sister" and her mom.

Despite already getting 3 gifts I am not in the Christmas spirit this year and I feel bad because I've ruined it for my mom to the point where she didn't want to get a real tree so she wouldn't rub Christmas in my face... I feel guilty. Maybe I'll surprise her with a tree tomorrow... if I can pick it up.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sometimes It's Just Better To Hang Up

CB called today and I was very glad to hear from him but for some reason our phone call just sucked. It was strained and forced and neither of us had much to say.

We quickly talked about my bad week, he cheered me up with promises that it would only get easier from here out and he would be back with me before I knew it but that this is also something I need to get use to (cue me over analyzing and exaggerating the possible meanings of this). I of course told him this is something I could get learn to accept but that this week I just really hated his job and I was entitled to feel this way. He got a good laugh out of that and we changed subjects.

The new subject was no better. I think I made a BIG mistake. I said too much.
I assumed that CB knew Cece was having a party at his place and that she had asked me to go to Costco with her, I was wrong! Very, very, very wrong.
I casually mentioned how big his living room looked with all the furniture moved, to which he was startled about. He started questioning me as to why Cece had moved things around and I told him it was for the party she had, this is where it started to go downhill. 
What party, he asks.
Her end of the semester school party, the one she asked me to take her to Costco for? Remember?
She never told me or asked me if she could have a party, why did she move all my stuff around?
I don't know, to make room for her quests.... You mean she didn't ask you about the party or tell you we were going to Costco?
This is where it gets even worse
Well, she spent 200$ at Costco on food for the party. Way to go Elle, you kept your mouth shut for what? a week? 
I wont bore you with the blow by blow details, but basically he was pissed and said he wouldn't help her with the bills anymore if she could afford to do this. I tried to rationalize with him that she did mention some friends had given her money to buy the food, this didn't seem to phase him.
And finally the epic failure 
I stupidly open my mouth again and I end up with word vomit. Before I knew what I was saying, I'm telling him how she asked me if I would mind her living with us if CB asked me to move in. I told him what I told her, that we hadn't spoken about it yet so her and I couldn't talk about it.
So I guess the point of my story is I made him upset with her somewhat by accident, he now sees her how I do (which is not wrong), I caused shit where I probably shouldn't have. Oy! Please let this blow over.

I am now off to pass out, I spent all day getting my car to the garage and fighting the crowds at 4 malls. I am exhausted!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Fish Update

He has white spots...I'm really scared 
I cleaned his tank today. I put him in a mixing bowl while I was attempting to disinfect his tank (that thing was NASTY) and the little guy tried to jump out!!! He attempted fish suicide... not cool. Anyways he is safely back in his home and I am constantly watching him for signs of shock. I'm worried he doesn't know what it's like to be in clean water and it will cause him to go into shock. I made sure to keep some of his old water in with the new water but my track record with beta's is rather morbid. 

All I would need is to kill Cece's fish for shit to get really messed up in our best friend-boyfriend-girlfriend 3some. 

My First Present

Since when does mail come on Sundays? Oh well! I got my first gift from my dad today! He bought me a GPS!!! Yes I opened it already... I knew what it was so I didn't see the point in waiting AND I need a distraction today so I figured this would be the perfect thing to play around with today.
Just one tiny little problem.... I can't get it to work.....
I have been stumped by a GPS....

Time to take a break and go buy my Christmas tree!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Private Name, Private Number

He just called and me being in the stupid mood I am in, I can't even enjoy it (after the fact, I love every second on the phone) because of the way we got off the phone.

Seriously, someone smack me. HARD!

I'm upset because of the sudden urgency in his voice and immediate need to rush off the phone, it has me worried. If it weren't for a few things said during the call I wouldn't have thought twice about this. But no, Negative Nancy over here has to think worst case scenario.

I am however grateful that he got the chance to call, is doing well, and is planning for his return. Just the fact that I know he is thinking of things he'd like to do when he gets home tells me that he too is counting down and that he sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

I Thought I'd be Happy

I'm 6 days away from my self determined half way point of CB's deployment....
I thought by this point I would be excited to reach a major milestone in CB's deployment, but I'm not....
I feel like I'm back at the begging, like we just started and he just left.
I feel myself slipping back into myself, wanting to withdraw from everything and hide out in my room. My desire to be around others is dwindling, I dread having to go to work, and I just want to sleep all day. This is exactly what I went through the first few weeks he was gone. I thought these feelings were behind me... I thought wrong.

I guess this is what you get for having expectations. Nothing every goes as planned, I should know this by now. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about not being happy because obviously it will only make it worse. I figure my Debby-downer mood is due to the fact that it's the holidays, all the more reason to miss him, and I've spent so much time at his place in the last little bit which only rams home the point that he isn't here.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want it to be done. I want to cry, scream, and seriously just break down and quit. I want my soldier home! I'm sick of the background on my cell phone mocking me with his picture. I'm sick of seeing missed calls from unknown numbers and instantly wanting to cry. I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I hate the feeling that comes along with knowing you are missing your other half. I can't stand crying myself to sleep and waking up in the morning only to have my mascara smeared pillows remind me of how upset I was last night. (yes, I'm too lazy to take my makeup off at night...)

But quitting is not an option. I love him too much that walking away would be way more painful. I promised him I would be here waiting and I will be, there is no other option. If he is strong enough to be there then I have to be strong enough to be here, without him.

On my new x-mas list - a fast forward button

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dirty little secret

I am addicted to reality tv....
My new obsession is Storage Wars on A&E and Pawn Stars on the History channel....
I keep thinking I'd pick the best "locker" on storage wars...
-note to self - do not show CB this show, he'll want to try it or worse open a pawn shop.

My all time guilty pleasure thought is Hoarders.... I don't know why but I could watch episode after episode of that show.

Running Shoes & Snow

You would think as a Canadian I would know better than to dare attempt to walk around outside in just basic no grip running shoes. I almost fell under the bus once I got off it, and then 3 more times walking from the stop to work (it's only a 2 minutes walk). At least I made myself laugh, I'm sure a few strangers too.

I'm really late on Christmas this year. I've only bought one present....I'm so going to be that person who shops on the 23rd & 24th this year. I have NEVER waited this long. I'm going to blame it on the fact that my car is still out of commission.

For some reason I kept feeling/noticing CB's dogtags today, I took it as a sign that he was thinking of me. He kept popping into my mind throughout the day...It's probably partly due to the fact that I am bombarded with couples and families at work. Well that and the fact that I was at his place the other day with Cece and I went to go hangout in his room for a few minutes. I really need to stop doing that, it only reminds me that he's gone, and that it's not his room anymore, she's let everyone and anyone sleep in his bed (this angers me more than I could ever express, especially after hes told me how much it angers him).

Anyways back to my point as I was thinking of CB today I looked over my shoulder and saw this man in his combats. I wanted to run over and hug him...and then I almost started crying. You see I have this bad habit of watching youtube videos of homecomings, surprise reunions, and anything else I can find that is related. Of course I indulged in this habit last night, so seeing this young man brought up all the same emotions that were fresh in my mind. It also brought up this desire/constant hoping I have that CB will be waiting for me outside my classroom door to surprise me, or that I'll turn around at work and he will be standing there with a huge smile on his face laughing at how long it took me to notice he was right behind me, or that I'll wake up, roll over and he'll be in bed beside me. I know this isn't going to happen. So why can't I stop torturing myself with these thoughts.

*What I miss about him most - how I feel like I'm home whenever I'm with him, no matter where we are.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Costco Update

I went shopping with Cece... She spent $200 on food...for a PARTY.
She is hosting an end of the year bash at CB's condo for all of her school mates.
........ Not even going to go there..... I can't touch it.....

She told me, without me prying or even asking, that she couldn't afford her bills anymore and had asked CB for help. She also mentioned that her parents can no longer afford her bills anymore either and are cutting back how much they'll help her next year.

What I don't understand is...if your parents are paying all your bills, what bills are you asking CB to pay? Shouldn't they all be taken care of? Or are you over billing your parents and CB so that you can afford to spend as you wish? I think so! I do not approve lady! You're lucky you're 6 foot something and I'm only 5 foot, even then I still want to climb you and smack you! Not cool.
I wish I could!


She even started asking me if I would mind if she lived with CB and I if I moved in with him upon his return. I side stepped this by saying I didn't want to rush CB into anything and that isn't something we have flat out discussed yet so I rather not think about it at the moment.
She rearranged the living room....
She's letting people sleep in his room when they stay over...
She wants to have the condo painted and have him pay for it...
And she still wants a dog...

I want a glass of wine! I want my boyfriend back! And I want her to come to her senses!
That is my new Christmas list.

Time is going backwards

I ended up putting my donut of misery on "desktop" so I could access it more easily. Big mistake.
Time is going so much slower now that I look at it every other day. I'm stuck at 44%.
Can't we just fast-forward to 50% because then I can encourage myself with sayings like
It's all down hill from here!
You've walked as far as you can into the forest as possible, now all that's left to do is walk out
And which ever other stupid sayings make me feel better. 
Because lets be honest, hearing "it'll be over before you know it" sucks! 

....I really need to keep myself occupied...

Christmas in a Box

Another day with no studying and no work! You think I'd be all relaxed and loving it but I'm not. I'm bored. SO BORED!

So today I am distracting myself with CB's care package until the dreaded Costco shopping event later this afternoon....
So far I have:

  • Peach candy canes
  • Peanut-butter m&m's 
  • Underwear
  • X-mas stocking
  • Toothbrush
  • Shampoo
  • Body wash
  • 2 of his favorite smoothie juice mixes - thanks to his lovely cousin's wife who owns the smoothie shop
  • A bunch of letters
  • Pictures of all the event's he has missed
  • and his option A or option B Christmas present 
You see I wasn't sure what to get him, I had 2 really good ideas, so I'm going to let him pick.
Option A is the playstation move or option B is a brand new power tool
I'm curious to see what he'll pick. I plan on writing the two options out on cue cards and putting them in separate envelopes, kinda like an IOU style. I figured this was the best way to get him something he really wants and let him know now what it is. It's not like I can really send that much over there, he has to bring it all back and he barely had enough room sending everything there. He brought so, so, so many bags. He packs like a woman.

This is my lovely x-mas present from him. I had fallen in love with a much more expensive Bench jacket but I just couldn't bring myself to ask him for that one. I know he would've spent the money in a heart beat but I just couldn't. I feel a hell of a lot better not asking for it now, especially after learning about Cece's antics.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Need To Vent

I need to get this off my chest because if I don't say it here I'll end up snapping to the wrong person and making things worse.

Heres the situation.... CB messaged me on facebook today and I was all excited and asked him if he could call which he said he would after he was done talking to Cece. So me being the nice person I am told him to take his time talking to her and to call me after if it wasn't too late. He called, that's not the issue, our conversation was great, I should make a whole separate post for what we talked about as it's kind of a big deal for both of us. Anyways back to my point, CB mentioned that Cece couldn't afford the bills and she needed help.

For those of you who don't know, she moved into his condo so she could go to school here. She was originally just suppose to stay for 6 months and that quickly got thrown aside and it seems like shes never going to leave. She has made herself extremely comfortable in his home. She was suppose to find a job and move out. That never happened, she hasn't even lifted a finger to look for one. They made arrangements that since she didn't have a job by the time he left instead of paying rent she would pay for hyrdo and rogers, that's it. There wouldn't have even been a rogers bill but she insisted on having top of line cable from them...

Back to my point, I told him I wasn't giving him my opinion of the whole thing and asked what they had come up with as a plan to deal with this situation. She is going to e-mail him the bills she needs help with this month and he will pay them online. It's an easy solution. But what about next month? And the month after that? He's still gone for 4 months, is she just going to pass the bills on for the rest of the time hes gone? Is she just going to keep sponging off of him?

The part that really pissed me off is as soon as I got off the phone with him she messages me....
"Are you working tomorrow?"
No.. I'm off. Do you want to get together?
"Yes. Do you still have your Costco membership? I want to go shopping!"
WTF????? Seriously? Really? You want to do what?

Oy. I hate this. I can't tell CB anything because I'm not getting in the middle, I am not putting myself in that position. I don't want this to turn into a she-said-he-said-she-said 3some fiasco. I am staying out of it. I am telling her I know nothing about her financial issues and I am telling CB nothing about her spending habits.
This is his very best friend from childhood, I don't want to interfere with that.
He is away and dealing with a lot already, I don't want to add any stress.
I am going to sit here and scream inside and rant on here and pray that she does not putting anything in her basket tomorrow that is not a freaking necessity! Lord help me if she buys crap...I'll lose it!

Please tell me I'm not crazy. Someone else has to see how messed up this is.... I can't be the only one.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Wrote the last final exam this morning.
157 questions.
This professor is insane.
I could possibly understand needing 157 questions if our exam was cumulative or something but NO! It was 157 questions on 5 chapters that were all common sense, not a lot of terminology, or many different concepts so a lot of the questions were almost identical.
So asides from the fact of how intimidating having that many questions to answer is, lets add a "lovely" TA who decides to update us every 10 minutes as to what time it is. WTF? Really?

* Fingers crossed *
Now my least favorite part, the sitting and waiting

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dog Sitting

I got roped into dog and house sitting today when I really need to be studying my ass off for my exam tomorrow morning.

As I mention in an earlier post, one of my friends dogs has started suffering seizures and they were unable to determine the cause of them here so she had to be taken to a specialist 4 hours away. How does this result in my dog and house sitting? Her mom is waiting for a parcel from UPS and needs someone here to sign for it, enter me. So I grabbed my dog and books and came over here to study. Problem is, I don't want to study! I rather play with the dogs!!! They're too cute.

I turned on my laptop in hopes that I'd get in the mood and instead I've ended up on her blogging about studying...instead of actually studying! Someone needs to duct tape my textbook to my hands.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

If I Never See Your Face Again I Don't Mind!

Final exam # 1 has been completed! Forensic psychology can now kiss my bee-hind!
The only time I ever want to hear from it again is to see my grade, that's it that's all.

Think back to the last test you wrote. Did you try and keep pace with the people sitting around you? Were you concerned at all with how fast or slow you were going in comparison to others?
I caught myself tonight trying to listen to the girls sitting around me for how often they were turning pages, how much they were writing for the short answer questions, and how much erasing they were doing. I felt like I was going to fast through the exam and I barely heard the people around me flipping pages at all. At first this made me really nervous but then I realized I was well prepared and I didn't need to spend a lot of time deliberating between all my multiple choice options. I also realized that trying to keep up with those around you is stupid, and if you're going faster it's not a bad thing either, as long as you are taking the time to understand the questions.

This will be my first exam I have not changed any of my multiple choice answers on. I have mixed feelings about this. But I've decided changing a guess for another guess is just as silly, I'm sticking to my gut instinct.
I'm curious though, what do/did you do with guesses for multiple choices? To change or not to change? When in doubt go with C?

Just Had An "Ah Ha!" Moment

I was just making myself a fresh pot of coffee as I prepare for the final study session for my exam later tonight when I noticed something. Beside the coffee pot is our fridge, on this fridge I have a dry-erase board with my countdown and countup to CB's return. Apparently I had neglected it for a few days because todays count shocked me.

It has officially been 70 days since he left. We have successfully completed 10 weeks, or 2 and a half months, however you want to look at it.

When the hell did this happen? I mean, I know I've been struggling with his deployment and some days have been horrible in comparison to others, some just fly by. But at some point, and I'm not sure when, this all became routine. Writing him letters or sending him e-mails have somewhat comfortably taken the place of  text messages. Our facebook chats have filled in for our joking around we use to do in the morning. The actual phone calls themselves have taken place of our whole weekends together.  I don't think I'll ever get use to having to wait for him to call though.

1 letter is like the equivalent of a week of text messages
1 facebook chat has now turned into what our usual Saturday morning goofing around was
1 phone call of 30 minutes, I swear he sits there with a timer, has turned into the equivalent of our weekend.

I look forward to all of these things more so than I think I use to look forward to our weekends together. I know I didn't take our time for granted before, but now that there is so little of it I'll take it where I can get it and every second of it only fills me with joy, happiness, and love to continue.

Mini side story

Last time CB and I spoke, he told me of this horror story of a situation one of the guys over there is dealing with. It pretty much broke my heart and enraged me all at the same time.

There is a soldier who is deployed with him who's girlfriend has anxiety issues. Before he left she had everything in check and was not really effected by it. Obviously the stress of him leaving ramped up her symptoms and she began having panic attacks, so many that she lost her job. The stress of losing her job, obviously, only increased her symptoms and she is now unable to pay her rent. Obviously she told her soldier this and he felt it was important enough to try and go home to deal with it.

Well here is where this story gets stupid. They don't believe their story, they think she is lying about her symptoms and therefor wont send him home to quickly take care of things. Because her first language is not English and they only have English speaking psychologists on staff there is no one to evaluate her claims... So there she sits, being called a liar, stressed the hell out, and not being treated.

What I don't understand is why can't they refer her to a psychologist who speaks her language and have the diagnosis shared afterwards? How can they risk not assessing her? Some disorders can be impairing, especially if left untreated

I guess the reason this really hits me is because I suffer from anxiety attacks as well, but only minor ones, and I am studying in this field as we speak. I have learnt about the effects and consequences of panic attacks from the textbooks I study as well as from what I have experiences myself. It's scary. My heart goes out to this woman.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I just spent the whole  most of the day cramming for my exam tomorrow. I am exhausted.

I woke up to my phone ringing and excitedly thought it was CB, it wasn't. After I successfully located my phone in the mess of my duvet I was some what disappointed to see my "little sisters" name there. I had a rough nights sleep and was not excited because I thought she was calling to tell me she was coming over to quiz me. Well that wasn't why she was calling, her poor dog had been suffering from seizures and today was finally the day she could get her to the doctors. She needed me to come wait at her place for a package while she brought the dog.

Long story short, the dog had to stay for supervision throughout the day after having 2 more seizures during her visit. We spent the day trying not to worry too much and distracting ourselves with preparing me for my final tomorrow. We got to pick up the dog at dinner time, she was really out of it and high as a dog could be. We had to go to pet smart to get her cage because she couldn't even walk straight and stumbled into everything! We were scared she would injure herself.

We wrapped the night up with over ordering on sushi and a final round of quizzing. Not a good combination, we both weren't paying attention to how much we ate and stuffed ourselves. You could have rolled me home.

Wish me luck! I hope I'm ready for this final.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Happy Anniversary!!

I've been so preoccupied with studying for finals that I haven't felt much like writing or had much to really post about. Life is boring at the moment, stressful yet boring.

I decided to post a letter to CB instead of trying to come up with something to blog about.

Dear CB,

*Warning - This is going to be a girly letter so suck it up and deal with it! hehe

I'm laying here in bed thinking of you, as usual, only tomorrow is our 6 month anniversary. It seems crazy that it's already been that long. Especially because I can remember the night we became a couple like it was just the other day. 

I remember what I was wear, exactly! That you were already inside Tim Horton's when I showed up, late as usual. I remember you didn't turn around when I walked in so I kicked your bum. We grabbed our ice caps and you insisted that we go for a walk which made me cringe inside because I already had sore feet from work and I was still wearing my heels. I remember wanting to be so mad at you, not even wanting to show up, and wanting to hit and kiss you all at the same time. Luckily I decided to kiss you! You are such a good kisser.

Ever since that night you continue to amaze me. I am impressed with how well you take care of your little brother, the steps you have taken to get closer to your dad before you left, and how caring, understanding and loving you have been with me. Oh and how could I forget how cute you are with your grandma, you light up her world.

I really do appreciate everything you do for me, especially the understanding and patient part. I'm sure I haven't been the easiest to go through deployment with at times. I realize I need you a lot and message you a lot at times. I'm sorry if it gets annoying but I just can't restrain myself. You see, not only am I missing my boyfriend, I'm missing you as my best friend too. It's hard having you "both" gone at the same time.

Anyways I wont drag out my girliness. Just know I love you for a multitude of reasons, I'm happy you picked me, and I wouldn't want to be in this situation with anyone other than you.

Happy 6 month anniversary hotstuff! You're stuck with me for many, many, many more of these! I hope you don't mind.

I love  you,

Friday, December 3, 2010

Men's Underwear, Unsupervised

Elle's guide to looking like an idiot:

  1. Agree to buy your boyfriend "briefs", without him
  2. Go to Walmart
  3. Find the mens clothing section
  4. Find the wall of underwear
  5. Stare blankly for 5 minutes
  6. Realize briefs come in 67 different varieties and cuts
  7. Ponder out loud why men need so many varieties of the same thing
  8. Decided to ask a stranger, who heard you talk to yourself, what the hell you should pick
  9. Have the stranger turn bright red and walk away leaving you with 4 different packs of "briefs" in your hands
Any other day I would have known what to buy, except CB decided he wanted something new. He's explanation was briefs, but a little looser and longer than he usually wears, oh and in manly colors. Great, I go it! How hard could that be? Apparently pretty hard.

The wall was one being confusing mess. There were regular briefs, boxer briefs, extra long boxer briefs, and all other ones I can't be bothered to remember the names of. They all looked fairly similar, each type only had one difference from the one I had just finished looking at. By the time I got to the end of the brief section on the wall, I was convinced they were not the same type of underwear but lo and behold there was the damn brief word on the packaging.

After I scared the random man away with my muttering out loud and asking for his opinion, he bolted not even bothering to get whatever underwear he had come for by the way, I literally gave up. I just grabbed the first pack on the top of my pile in my hands and tossed the rest back on the wall that seemed to be mocking me by this point.

Never again. I admit defeat! You win Walmart wall of underwear, you win!

You'll get it soon!

I'm retarded when I'm sick, apparently! Work was torturous with my head cold. I couldn't even complete the simplest task without struggling. Not to mention the evil eye I got from people every time I dared to sniffle, let alone pull out a Kleenex! Wow.

The day was slow but passed by quickly. Bonded with the staff which was nice, asides from one exception.
Mr. Exception is an idiot. I have seen him around the store from time to time, he collects the shopping carts. We have had a few 5 second conversations of pleasantries here and there when he initiates them. Well. yesterday, I was up in the staff lounge relaxing on the couch sending a few texts and killing time before I had to go back. Guess who shows up? Mr. Exception. He sits across from me and starts chatting me up.  I let him ramble on, I politely smile at a comment he makes to which he responds "Oh wow! I made you smile, you have such a gorgeous smile! I should make you smile more often!". All I can think of at this point is "FML! It's to early to go back to work and to late to go anywhere else. I'm stuck here!" Insert gag reflex here. I guess I had rolled my eyes or he caught my disinterest because he quickly proceeded to tell me how "heartless" he is, everyone tells him he is an ass and heartless. Congratulations? What do you say to that, honestly?  My choice was to get up and walk away.

Men are stupid!

This brings me to my next topic. CB!

I got another phone call, yay! I was asking about the boys and how everyones holding up and for the most part they're all good. D is back in contact with his ex fiancĂ©e, which makes me want to smack him when he gets home. T is away, which almost gave me a heart attack they way CB worded it. T is CB's roommate, they were roommates on the last tour as well, and so when I joked that he should go spoon T he responds " I can't...he's gone!" His choice of wording through me off for a second, I asked him to use the word "away" next time.

After that we got on the topic of B's upcoming wedding. I have never met the couple and wasn't sure when/how the got engaged, so I asked CB about it. Apparently he had proposed right before he left which I responded to with a sigh of relief. I had thought he had proposed while they were deployed because I only heard about it fairly recently. CB laughed and told me no you don't propose on the phone, which I told him I completely agreed with but not all men get it, some men are stupid!

Bet you though I was going to bitch about CB didn't you?

And this is where my over analysis comes in. His response was:
You'll get it soon!
My mind started racing! I'll get what soon?

  • A ring?
  • A proposal?
  • A kick in the face?
  • what??????
We both went silent as my mind raced over this very quickly and I decided he must be just saying things to be funny and so I went with the kick in the face theory and told him that wasn't what I wanted. He asked me what did I want and I told him hugs and kisses. He asked if that was it, I said no, I also wanted him and a big dog to keep me protected while he was away in the future. This he thought was a good idea and a good place to end our conversation.

So now here I sit playing the words over and over again in my head, trying to push them out of my thoughts, trying not to over analyse them, and trying to take them for what they are, just words. But what did he mean'?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

2 Days, 2 Phone Calls

Needless to say I am happier than a pig in dog with a bone. I got to talk to my lover twice! I'm sure you all know how great this feels after a long period of silence! I can't contain my joy at the moment!

I got to have coffee with him on the phone yesterday and today we told each other stupid jokes.

He's too cute. I was telling him how excited I am to send off his Christmas box, which I realize will probably not get there on time at this point but I haven't had any cash for a while so it had to be postponed. His response was "Well is there anything left from that 200$ I left you to send me stuff?" I pissed myself laughing, his first box cost me more than 200$. He was shocked but realized how possible it was after he thought of everything he got, nothing was home made. The whole reason he was asking is cause he wanted to know if I had enough money left to buy him a toothbrush, shampoo, and bodywash. I thought it was adorable that he was that thoughtful to worry about me spending 20$ on things he needed/wanted when he knows I've been tight with money.

I told him that even though the money was gone on his first box, I had no problem spending money on the other boxes as it was something I always planned on doing. I also justified it to him that if he was here I would be spending the same amount of money, if not more, on things for us/him anyways. I also reminded him if he was here he I would probably be spending way more on his presents than this next box.

I had an extremely blonde moment with him on the phone that for some reason I feel the need to document. There we are talking away when all of a sudden I start hearing these odd sounds in the background. So I asked him what the noise was, was he walking around in the wind? No, he told me, it was a helicopter. My response was priceless..."Why are you close to a helicopter?" We both started laughing at the same time. I guess I had gotten so caught up in our conversation I had temporarily forgotten where he was in that instant.

Off to make chicken noodle soup, I got sick being out in the rain yesterday trying to fiddle around with the damn car, which by the way for those of you who are interested is still sitting dead in the driveway.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Roller-coaster morning

This morning was amazing! I kept hitting snooze because I couldn't convince myself to get out of bed in the crappy weather. The alarm went off one last time and I told myself this was the last snooze I would allow myself, with the next annoying buzz I was getting out of bed and going in search of coffee.

Well imagine my surprise when instead of my alarm going off it's my cell phone actually ringing with my new favorite caller id "PRIVATE NAME, PRIVATE NUMBER"!!!! That's right ladies, he called this morning. It was the best way to wake up today. We both had a cup of coffee together on the phone and just joked around.

He was incredibly hyper due to 3 red bulls, the cup of coffee, and a few chocolate bars but it was adorable. He told me that he would be away for the most part from now on, which I'm fine with just as long as I know that's what to expect. I know this makes him happier as it means his skills are being put to use and he isn't sitting around picking his nose waiting to go anymore. The only part I'm not crazy about is him sleeping outside... I know he's use to it in a sense but I'm not use to the idea of it, it just throws me off a little.

So our conversation ended with me on a high and off to get ready for work! I was ready in a record 15 minutes it was great. I go out to go start my car, which by the way has had its check engine light on for a while but I've been to poor to take care of it so it hasn't been driven in 3 weeks, and the car wont start. My car is dead.... I run back inside to call work to tell them I'll be late. My next step is to call the mechanic! First time, no answer, second time I'm told to call back in 10 minutes, 3rd time I'm told they'll have to send a tow truck....I live a block away from them, which I tell them, and then plead for them to just send someone with booster cables so I can drive it there...their response is please call back in 10 minutes and speak to so and so.
So here I am waiting...

*Update - 50$ to move my car a block. I don't think so!!!
*Update #2 - 100$ to have a "come to you" mechanic come boost my car and check what code my check engine light is for.... Now to teach myself how to boost a car... wish me luck

Monday, November 29, 2010

Numbers, Days, & Time

14 days. That's how long it's been since CB and I last spoke on the phone.
13 days since we last spoke on facebook chat.
6 days since he last tried to call.

I think it's safe to say that in this exact moment I hate deployment.
I hate that the last times he tried, and he tried so hard, to call I was at freakin work. I hate that I wasn't there to answer his calls and how upset he might have been knowing this would be his only chance to call for the next little while. I hate how upset it made me to keep seeing I had missed his calls by just 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there.

I got this idea from Expat Girl. Somehow the donut makes it better.
Time Served:
1.96 Months
 8.56 Weeks
 59.89 Days
 1,437.45 Hours
 86,247.11 Minutes
 5,174,826.39 Seconds

Take that deployment! You are a dirty, dirty mistress who may have my boyfriend for the time being but he's thinking of me the whole time he is with you! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Story of Huge-O

I figure since I can't sleep without him he deserves his very own post!
Meet Huge-O! He was one of my birthday presents from CB to help me cope with deployment. So far he is doing an excellent job.

Before CB left I had told him, he needed to find me a replacement to sleep next if he wasn't going to be around to do the job. At first he just laughed at this and probably had no intention of doing it. Then one day he came over to my place to help me put up shelves in my room. I had left Hunter, which is another (smaller) bear that my ex had gotten me for hunting seasons, in my closet and forgotten he was in there. So naturally when we were moving things around in my room and we came across him CB asked who or where he was from. I quickly explained it was from an ex and he had been living in the bottom of my closet for a very long time. CB quickly sizes up the bear and throws him out of my room. I suppressed my laughter and we carried on with our day.

CB now has be running up and down the stairs for different tools, different screws, a level, and all kinds of other things. On one of my last trips to get him something, I'm pretty sure it was a brownie, I come bouncing up the stairs to my room and am instantly caught off guard.  CB took hunter, who had a red ribbon around his neck, and hung him from my doorknob. He see's me staring and just simply says "I don't know what happened, he just hung himself when I wasn't looking".... Can you say jealous much? I ended up throwing out the bear.

Fast forward to around my birthday. CB, his brother, his brothers friend, and I are all relaxing at his condo. CB keeps trying to get me to go get him things from his room. First he asks for his cellphone charger, which I tell him is in the kitchen. Then he asks for his ipod, which is in the dock. I can't remember what he finally asked for that I went upstairs to go get. Anyways there I am lost in my own thoughts, not paying attention as I turn the corner after the stairs. I'm finally a few feet from his room when I notice this HUGE brown thing sitting in the middle of his bed. I stopped dead in my tracks completely confused.
My thoughts were
Um what is that?
How did it get in here?
When did CB come upstairs?
Wasn't I the last one in the room? I'm pretty sure I was.
What the hell is sitting on the bed?
I start tiptoeing towards the room, a little scared and confused.
I should mention I'm pretty blind and never wear my glasses, due to that fact I could only make out what it was once I got into the room. Once I figured it out I was sooo happy! I literally jumped onto the bed to hug him.
It turns out CB snuck upstairs at some point to place him on the bed to surprise me. He also snuck up the stairs behind me to see my reaction.

I love my Huge-O. He is HUGE! He is definitely no CB but he makes my nights that much easier.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A Few Favorite Memories

I was writing CB a letter last night and I realized I haven't been keeping up with my plan on here to end every post with why I miss him on that day. So to make up for it, to myself, I have decided to write about some of my favorite moments the two of us have shared during our relationship so far.

They are in so specific order, just as they come to mind.

The first and only time he ever woke up before me without an alarm going off. He was so impatient in waiting for me to wake up and quickly tired of his subtle attempts, according to him, that he decided to pinch my nose and wake me up that way.  I jumped awake confused and and startled only to find him sitting there with this big smile on his face. Needless to say I couldn't be mad it was too cute.

I don't remember exactly how this memory started but I can guess it involved a day of us bumming around the condo watching Lost. I just remember us starting a game of  "I bet you can't do this..." where I started by weirding him out that I can fold my tongue in 3 and it some how turned into us doing push ups. I just remember how proud and excited he was that I could do 20 regular push ups.

There was one night, just a few days before my birthday or right after, where I almost let "I love you" slip for the first time. I remember catching myself and starting to laugh nervously. Well CB being CB kept at me with questions like what's so funny? why are you laughing? I thought I was all slick and played it off cool saying it was nothing and passing out before he could question me further. I wake up in the morning, roll over to cuddle him and BOOM! there he is ready to continue the interrogation into my laughter. I not being a good liar and unable to keep a straight face finally told him to stop being so dense and figure it out already. I just remember this big grin covering his face as he says he already did! He knew last night!
My favorite part to this is later on I brought this back up and he told me he was waiting for the perfect moment to say it first because he wanted to make sure I remembered it and knew he meant it. Awww

I think my all time favorite memory of him and I will always be Friday nights. Those Friday nights when he comes home to the condo are priceless to me. I love packing my bags before work for the weekend. Getting to call him on my dinner break to hear he's home. Rushing over there after we close the store. But my absolutely favorite part of this Friday night ritual is the walk from my car to his front door, ringing the doorbell, and seeing him come down the stairs to let me in.The anticipation, excitement, and joy I feel in those first few moments is such a high. It reminds me to never take him for granted. I love seeing the happiness on his face, the butterflies I get when I see him, and the emotions that rush over me as he takes me in his arms and holds on tight.

And I just made myself cry! Good job Elle! lol

Thursday, November 25, 2010

It's Not Black!!!!!!

You gotta love people!

So here I am at work, mindlessly scanning objects, giving directions on how to use an interact machine ( Yes! The chip part goes inside the machine! Yes, you need to know you're pin!), and handing over receipts. My day was going smoothly and then I see him. He is an older man, he has a paper in his hand with hand writing all over it, and a cart with one single box on it. I can smell trouble.
He is now the next customer in my line and I can see scribbled on the paper are directions in his wifes handwriting. She has told him what aisle to go to, what bin it should be in, what color she wants, as well as the price. I start thinking, perfect! This can't go wrong. WRONG!
I scan his item, we make small talk, and now he is about to punch in his pin. All of a sudden he realizes it's the wrong price.

Him: It's suppose to be 69.99! See! (shows me his instructions from wife)
Me: I see that sir, but you're wife asked for a billy bookcase, this box is marked lack
What? What are you talking about? It isn't black its white! See!!! (he shows me through a small hole in the box his article is indeed white.
Yes sir, this piece is white but it isn't the right product. This products name is lack!
Listen lady! This is white! Look I showed you it's white. It's NOT BLACK!!!!
Okay sir, the name of the product you want is BILLY this one is called L-A-C-K (literally had to spell it out to him!)
Well I don't understand! My wife said go to aisle 18, bin 4 and that's where it is! That's where I went so you tell me how did I end up with the wrong product? It has to be it!
I don't know sir, but I do know this is not what your wife wrote down she wanted. It's possible another customer put it back in the wrong spot. All I do know is this is lack and you want billy. I can get someone to help you if you'd like?
For the last time young lady! It is NOT BLACK! It's white!

He then stormed off in a huff to go bitch at the next person wearing yellow he saw and I almost pissed myself with laughter. 
Good times. 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Quick View Into My Morning

  • Woke up multiple times this morning to make sure I haven't missed a call from CB
  • Noticed something wrong with my table of content for my paper due today and had to reprint the whole thing while crossing my fingers I wouldn't run out of ink!
  • Went to go take a shower, got shampoo in my eye and BOOM the phone rings. Almost killed myself jumping out of the shower (apparently there was left over conditioner that hadn't full gotten rinsed down still lining the bottom of the tub)  to get to the was a freaking telemarketer. I went from answering the phone all super excited to disappointed in like .3 seconds.
  • Get out of the shower and go into my room et VOILA! The dog puked on my bed... I, in-turn, just about puked trying to strip my bed.
Asides from that everything's going great! I'm enjoying slowly getting ready for class, having lots of coffee, you know all the good stuff about having a late starting day.

I will note that I think I am slightly obsessive. My lovely blackberry and laptop have not left my side since I woke up this morning. I have facebook open and am constantly refreshing to see if CB comes online. As far as the cell phone it's on full blast AND vibrate and lets not forget pretty much glued to my hand. The worst thing about the cell phone is the fact that despite knowing I have it on max volume and vibe I keep pressing buttons to make it light up JUST IN CASE I missed a call or a message. I'm gonna kill my battery before I even leave for school.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Which is Worse?

I'm not sure which feeling I hate more at the moment....

Situation A - not talking to CB for a week and freaking out about it


Situation B - missing 5 phone calls from CB in the same day after not speaking to him for a week?

Damnit! I need voicemail.

*Insert happy dance here* HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning to see CB had finally replied to one of my 6 million messages on facebook (and by 6 million I mean 7) and got soo excited. Such a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

This is what he wrote:
"Hey you!
Don't worry I had to go away for a few days. Everything is well here and I'm good. I hope you didn't get too worried, but me being gone for a few days is normal. Love you lots and take care of yourself honey bunny and if you need to express yourself don't be shy.
Buenas noches"

I love him!
Considering our past I'm always worried he'll snap out of it and revert to the single version of himself. I'm scared I'll scare him away or that my almost daily messages will get on his nerves. But then I think of his past and what happened to him the last time he was over (he bought a place on base, had a gf move in, paid off all her debt, went overseas, and she slept with every guy on base she could get her hands on) and I realize I'm crazy. I'm sure it reassures him as much as it comforts me.

The last line really touches me the most. I love that he genuinely wants to hear what I'm feeling and isn't scared off by it. It just shows me how much he has taken down his walls and really stepped into this relationship. He is the most amazing man I have ever had the chance to get to know let alone be with.

It was heartbreaking today to see that I missed his calls by minutes each time. The first time I had just gotten into work and must have just locked my cell phone away. I noticed on my break that I had 2 missed calls so I quickly fired off a message on facebook saying "CALL ME NOW! I have 20 minutes of my break left!!!" Well he called 50 minutes after I sent the message... boo. Clearly he's not so good at noticing the times because he then wrote me back to say " You're not answering  my love".
I am a firm believer that men only understand their own timeline and schedules.

Well my phone is now on max volume and is glued to my hand! I don't want to go to sleep in case I miss yet another call...
I really can't decide which of the two situations makes me feel worse

Monday, November 22, 2010

Set The Fire To The Third Bar

What a Weird Nights Sleep

I just woke up and I'm exhausted! Last night was not very restful.
I have this bad habit of having to fall asleep with the TV on when I'm sleeping alone and last night was no different. I had a hard time getting sleepy so I ended up watching Paranormal State. This show use to creep me out but now it's just lame, they try to hard.
Anyways at about 6am my dog wakes up and starts growling. I wake up, look around the room and I see nothing. The door is closed, there's no sounds in the house, nothing is going on that should have him growling. I shift down to the bottom of the bed to lay with him in an attempt to comfort him and get him to stop, it doesn't work. He is extremely upset and starts barking at whatever it is he thinks he sees.
I get out of bed to turn the lights on to show him there's nothing there. Just as I flick the light switch on and the light floods the room this awful feeling washes over me and thoughts of CB fill my mind.
I really hope he is okay and not having to deal with anything to unpleasant at the moment.
Anyways I never figured out what the dog was barking at... creepy. Maybe he had nightmares from the show.

I'm scared to go anywhere without my phone now because I keep telling myself it will ring any moment. I will feel like a piece of poop if  he calls and I miss it. I really need to get voicemail ASAP. With my luck he'll call while I'm at work and thanks to the no reception I wont have even seen that he's called.... That's why I've been leaving my cell in the car, so at least if I miss the call at least I'll be able to see that I've missed it.

That's what I find weird about BB's, they don't show you the calls you missed while you had no reception AND forget about looking at your missed call list if it's from an unknown number. WTF? They count as calls too, I'd like to track the dates and times of them too ya know?!

As of today CB and I have officially spent 53 days apart and have roughly 115 left. We are about 1/3 of our way through this deployment. I made sure to add on a couple of weeks when counting the days. I rather be pleasantly surprised its sooner than later. Although, I do realize from reading other blogs even adding on a couple of weeks may still leave me annoyed because it may still be even later than it's suppose to be.

Have you ever heard of the old folks wisdom that when you get the hiccups it means someone is thinking of you? Silly but it's fun to play around with. Well last night my mom and I were having dinner and right smack in the middle of it she got the hiccups. So we started playing "who's thinking of me?" We started with her boyfriend...*hiccup* then I joked that it was CB....NO HICCUP! We started laughing and some how ended up talking about our future together. We joked that the poor guy has no idea what he's coming home to, by the time he's home we'll be married and have 2.5 children with a white picket fence.

From that joke my mom and I got into joking about his arrival. I'm half convinced I'm going to stuff a sweater under my shirt to make myself look pregnant. I have no doubt this will have him stop dead in his tracks, turn around, and run right back to the bus. It would be priceless. The only issue is I'd never be able to keep a straight face.... I'm horrible at not giving things away. I can not keep a secret to save my life, I am not the person you want to tell about a surprise party, I will word vomit it out 2 hours later by accident.

Now everyone please cross your fingers and toes for me in hopes that I get a phone call from CB today! I figure willing him to call might work. You never know!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Need You Now

It's officially been a week since I've heard from him in any shape or form.....
I'm trying to stay positive but I've kinda ended up in a blah funk of a mood lately.
I feel lost inside my own thoughts and mind
Things feel like they are just happening around me instead of to me

Did I mention that I hate deployment?
I hate how much I whine about it and him being gone.
I despise the fact that I am not coping well with it, which only leads me down a worse trail

Onto a positive note
I think I finished my last term paper for this session, thank god! I pulled out a lot of hair but its done!
I spent the day in my pj's and did not move from my bed! I had a complete me day with the second love of my life, my dog! It was exactly what I needed today.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Starting to worry

This is the longest time CB and I have gone without talking since the start of his deployment....
My mind is racing with possibilities as to why this is. Unfortunately for me my mind can be my worst enemy at times and I can't help but think of a few bad scenarios. I try and push them out of my head as fast as they come in. I just keep reminding myself it's a different world over there and the lack of contact can be for a number of reasons. DON'T JUMP TO ANY CONCLUSIONS! Easier said then done....

I broke something at work yesterday! YAY me! I'm such a klutz.
Life is pretty boring at the moment with not much going on....  Work is okay, school is good, CB is gone, and Cece continues to annoy me about CB, I swear I could dedicate a whole post to her...but I wont.

I take comfort in the fact that now I have a job and school so the days will hopefully pass more quickly. I am shocked that it has already been 7 weeks since he left. Thank god for friends and family. My mom is my biggest supporter and I feel guilty for always talking her ear off about him. I think it's cute when she tells me how much she misses him too.

Off to work... lets hope I don't destroy anything else today.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Long Distance

I've decided since I'm still upset to only post songs this way I wont regret having said or written anything I may want to take back later.

I miss him terribly
I don't have the first clue as to what he is dealing with, I only know my own pain...
I love him dearly and look to him as a great model of strength I could definitely learn a thing or two from.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

This was suppose to be a happy post *Edited*

I'm not sure I want to post about this but I need to get it out of my head so here goes...

I had every intention of coming on here this morning and writing a cute little post with some lyrics that make me sad in a happy kind of way... That was until I felt slightly annoyed by CB.

I am a drama queen who is clearly PMS-ing  hardcore!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Just a Quickie

  • First official day of work - good! I didn't get lost!
  • Facebook chat with CB - mildly frustrating due to connection issues, but good! We were able to talk out the whole real estate issue from the other day.
  • School - Great! Got 95% on my paper I just got back and got a good chunk of another one started today.
  • Current situation - massive headache and heading to bed with a dog that's hyper on coffee.... Apparently while I wasn't home to watch him he jumped up on the kitchen table and drank the rest of my coffee I forgot to bring into the kitchen, my mom caught him! WTF? 
Sweet dreams! Another day down another day closer.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Real Estate Stole My Boyfriend

Mr. Combat Boots should now be called Mr. Real Estate...or perhaps Ass.

Let me start from the top. CB has been dreaming of flipping houses and investing in real estate for some time now. I have been supportive of this and trying to make sure he makes him self fully educated on the subject. Well it's created a monster.

I was lucky and got a whole two phone conversations with him today, the first being wonderful and cute and the second being confusing and left me pouting and confused when we hung up.

We were talking about what options he is considering when he returns, the first one didn't go over so well. It consists of him renting out his property here and buying a second property off base and renting out half of that as well. I have no argument with why this would be logical for him, what I do have an issue with however is his plan on how our relationship would continue. His ingenious plan is to take turns visiting one another on weekends. Great, except I work retail which means WEEKENDS and I live with my mother which means NO SEX. So basically we'd see each other every second weekend at my moms place... YAY.....can you feel my excitement?

I get that living in the shack sucks.
I understand that he is always the one that travels back and forth.
I know he wants to make something of himself and be financially stable.

But what keeps going through my mind is that he decided to buy a place here, 2 hours away from work. He wanted to have a place to come home to on weekends because that little shit hole of a city drove him nuts.
He understood I was here and unable to travel there and that I would always work weekends for the next few years.

What's even worse is he then started pressuring me to know when I would be at a level of schooling where I would start making money. I felt as if he needed to know how soon I could start paying him rent or something. I don't live with him, I haven't asked to, nor do I think we are ready to. But NOW I feel like it may be something I need to be able to do to keep him in his condo here. If I can offer to pay rent perhaps it would make it more fees-able for him to stay.

My biggest issue with the whole thing is he now has me wondering about future separations when we aren't even half way through his deployment! It's not fair to make me question my whole future because of you while you aren't here to support me emotionally and talk out options. You can't just drop this on me and get off the phone right after. It's cruel and right now I want to kick you in the face but since you aren't here I have childishly turned your picture frame face down!
Take That!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's a Cult!

First day training at Ikea consists of BRAINWASHING.
Okay so I am over exaggerating a little. We spent 7 and 1/2 hours in a room being read slide after slide word for word followed by at least 25 videos. Then we had to fill out 20 pages of paper work. It was the longest training day I have ever been exposed to and I still have no clue what my job entails. What I do know is that they sold 260,000 hot dogs last year alone. Yuck.

They did not leave us alone for a minute. They even forced us to have lunch with them like they knew if they left us to our own devices we would escape. Apparently the next step is the "buddy system". I am telling you, I just finished studying this in one class, this is how cults operate.

  • Buddy system - Check
  • Repeated exposure to their message - Check
  • Reduce contact with friends and family - Check (no reception = no phone calls or texts of SOS)
  • Made to feel like you owe them - Check (they bought us lunch and chocolate)
I was so overloaded with information my mind is now numb, so numb that I cannot concentrate on writing my paper thats due in a few days, the one I haven't even started. FML

I took a picture of myself in the uniform to send to CB. I haven't told him which job I got yet, I know it will make him pee his pants with laughter. It's horrible!!! Yellow is not my color.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Back To Work

Tomorrow is the start of my new career with Ikea... yay... 
I'm far too exhausted to be excited. 
Also I'm still crossing my fingers that there is a hope in hell I get a call back from the bank. 

It is 7:40 pm and I think I might just go to bed. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Drinks? Please!!!

Have you ever had an interview at Ikea? DON'T!
Okay, I shouldn't say don't but be prepared for the most awkward interview of your life! There is no office or private place to hold the interview, it is right smack in the middle of the sales floor in which ever show room is empty at that moment. WTF?

There were people buying the dinning room table I was having my interview on.The lady had to ask me "sorry, could you move your arm? I'd like to write the style number of table down please." I was mid sentence in trying to explain how I had dealt with an irate customer in the past. I was already struggling with my nerves and having a hard time finding my "professional" words and that's all it took to royally screw me.

One woman even sat down to join us. She was just sitting there, looking around at the decorations, fussing with the table setting display. All of a sudden a light went off in her brain as she clued in to what we were doing and says "Oh sorry, I didn't realize! You should apply to Rona, they're always looking." and then walked off. The woman and I couldn't help but laugh at this and luckily from there I felt a bit more at ease and things went a little smoother.

Interview number two was the preliminary phone interview with the bank. Oh lord was he long winded. By the time he was done explaining his scenario of what a behavioral question is , 10 minutes later! (plus long distance charges), I almost forgot what he was going on about. What I wanted to say "Remember I told you I'm a psychology major? I understand!!!I've covered them in 4 different classes 4 different ways!". Instead I screwed up the first question. Totally was caught off guard by my mental rant and had never thought of an example prior, unfortunately the one I did think of was HORRIBLE!

Now it's time to wait and see if my criminal background check, checks out for Ikea. That's at least a week. It's about the same amount of time if not more to see if I've made it onto the second round of interviews with the bank.

My biggest issue is the hours they are both offering. The postings were misleading. The bank is only looking for either 14 hours for one branch or casual hours for the other. For those of you who don't know, casual is ZERO guarantee of hours. You could work 20 hours one week and then not work for 2 weeks.

HELLO! I have bills to pay. My credit card is maxed the hell out. My car is way too much money a month because I was young and stupid when I financed it 4 years ago. Best Buy is charging me a crazy amount of interest each month, I cannot just pay the minimum on that thing. And well lets not forget Rogers, they like being paid monthly and on time as well. Who the hell can survive on casual? It's cruel and unusual punishment to someone who is not retired and has bills.

Ikea on the other hand posted 20-25hours. Perfect, I need about 25 at what they pay. Well it turns our it was all a LIE. They're looking for 34 hours. Apparently they're is the occasional week where it may be 20 but its mostly 34 hour weeks. What that means to me is Monday = school, Tuesday = work, Wednesday = school, Thursday = work, Friday = work, Saturday = work, Sunday = work, rinse, lather, and repeat.

...I'll do it if I have to...

The combination of the stress from the interviews and all the emotions brought on from Remembrancer day I am now ready for a drink, or 6.

Lest We Forget

A day that I can shamefully say use to pass without that much thought or meaning....until now.

Thank you to those who have fought to make this country what it is today and to those who continue to do so and their families. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Pajama Party For One!

Who looks this cute in their pajamas? Really!
Blah! I feel guilty...I skipped my courses today. I couldn't bring myself to blow dry my hair, put on make up and go out into the world today. Instead I spent the day in my pj's and CB's sweater and spent the day pulling my hair out looking for research articles related to my own research. I failed! EPICALLY!

Okay I'm exaggerating, there were articles I just refuse to spend money to read them when they may not even be relevant! Yes, I'll pay $12.99 after reading a very vague description about your paper.  I'm horrible with libraries, I can't take the silence, but I may just have to attempt to use one.

Tomorrow I have my two interviews back to back, I hope I didn't screw myself with this. The first one with Ikea is in person, the second is with the bank and on the phone. I'm really hoping I'll have enough time to get home in between the two so that I am not stuck doing the interview in my car. I need to pace when I'm on the phone.

I am proud of myself though! This will be the first time I have ever prepared for an interview. I wrote down answers to possible questions, looked up the companies, all that jazz. Now please cross your fingers and toes for me! If neither of these go through I think I'll be standing on a street corner looking like this:

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Let this go well.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Hardest Phone Call Yet

I willed him to call and it worked! I went to bed telling his picture "you will call me tomorrow" and woke up this morning telling myself the same thing and it worked. He called! It was great.

He called at the perfect time as I had big news to tell him. I had just gotten a call from a bank for an interview later this week. I now have two interviews back to back on Thursday, one is an in person interview while the other is a preliminary phone interview with the bank. I want the job at the bank! It turns out over 500 people applied for the same position as I did. I had to warn him, the man at the bank, that although I didn't think that my first interview would go over an hour as it was only for a cashier position at Ikea, I may have to return his call just in case. He seemed fine with that and joked "who wants to work for Ikea when you can work for us!"

CB said he was really proud of me for actually getting my foot in the door with the bank and then told me I could be his sugar momma. I pissed myself laughing and responded "what a great sugar momma I am, I can't even afford to bring my own car to the garage!" I need a job ASAP!

I asked him if he figured out how to play my DVD I had sent him and it looks like he still can't. I don't get why he doesn't have a computer guy look at it during their down time. He also told me he has been spacing out my letters so he can have little "pieces" of me when he really misses me which I thought was the sweetest thing. Apparently his favorite parts of my letters are the p.s.'s, I decided to end them the same way I usually end my blog, what I miss about him most that day. He is such a suck so I love that he enjoys that part, I hoped he would. He hasn't yet open the letter I marked "save for a bad day" which comforts me.

The hardest part of the phone call was the end.... We were joking around and he was whispering things to me he did not want the others to hear and in between two cute things he whispered "it's horrible here"... My heart sank. I didn't think I had heard him right and kept replaying it in my head but I'm certain it's what he said. I was shocked. We got off the phone not too long after that and as I was coming down the stairs to go back to studying the weight of his words hit me. I collapsed on the stairs and broke down in tears. He is not one to express himself when it comes to work, at all, so now my mind is racing as to what has happened. This is his 3rd tour I guess I just assumed there would be nothing left to upset him... naive I know.

*What I miss about him most - when he wakes up before me but doesn't want to be the only one awake he'll pinch my nose to wake me up. I love how he gets such a kick out of my reaction and is that impatient to spend time with me that he feels the need to wake me up.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

What An Awful Feeling

Yesterday I spent the day working for a friend of the family and keeping busy, it was great. Once we were finished up at the store we went to go grab some takeout to bring home to my place and enjoy with my mom. We ate, we laughed, we stuffed our faces, and then we all got lazy.

I wandered up to my room exhausted hoping to catch up on some school reading but ended up playing around online as usual. So here I am downloading music, creeping CB on facebook, basically everything and anything but studying because I'm so zoned out and then the doorbell rings. This is like 9 o'clock at night on a Saturday, who the hell gets unexpected visitors at this hour is the only thought I had at that exact moment. I jump out of bed and run so I can see who or what it is, instead I see my mom approaching the door very apprehensively and then BOOM anxiety attack. My stomach dropped, my heart was racing, I was in a cold sweat, and I just had an overall horrible feeling. All for a freaking door-to-door salesman! YOU ASS!

For some reason when I saw my mom walking up to the door the way she did my worst fears set it in for a second. All I could remember was what one of CB's colleagues had told me "Phones don't ring for bad news, doorbells do". I quickly calmed myself down and came to my senses, I wouldn't be the one who gets notified anyway. Needless to say I was still shaken from it and had a horrible time trying to fall asleep, all I could think of was how much I miss him and what on earth is he dealing with emotionally, physically, and mentally. I love him so very much and all I want is for him to be safe.

I called my dad today, I'm not sure why I always regret it right after. Don't get me wrong our relationship is not horrible but he is just so oblivious and clueless when it comes to me it's hard for us to connect. Our conversation was as follows:
Hi dad
Hi Elle, how are you
I'm good dad how are you
Good watching the game, are you calling to wish me a happy birthday?
No dad... I did that already...on your birthday...
Oh you did?
Yes dad, what did you take up drinking and start forgetting things hehe? 
Nah it must be my memory I am 65 now you know
How's your boyfriend? did he leave yet?
He's good, and yea he left a while ago dad.... (i've only told him 15 times)
Oh good good! Is it serious?
Well I'd hope so! I did decide to wait for him for 6 months
Oh right...good! No (insert last name ) waits on the sidelines for nobody! ( he then proceeded to laugh hysterically at his own joke)

I love my dad, you can always count on him to tell a horrible joke and then piss himself laughing till he turns so red in the face my mom would get concerned about his blood pressure. I unfortunately took after my dad in this way... I laugh at all my stupid jokes that I know are only funny to me. Meh at least we entertain ourselves.

Friday, November 5, 2010

It has arrived!

CB called me today WOOHOO. I had a feeling he would today, I just felt it when I woke up this morning. I was hoping he would call a little later than he did because I met up with his cousins wife and I would have loved for them to get to talk to each other a little.

Apparently he got my package a couple of days ago and was very happy with it. I ended up sending him a new PS3 game that he beat in 2 hours apparently, the board game operation which no one wants to play with him, a pillow case that I drew on but he originally thought I bought, and his toy helicopter that flies just not very well apparently.

I had also sent him a DVD of a few short recordings of me but apparently he can't get the video to work just the audio which sucks but oh well. I also made him a mix tape of completely sappy love songs that I knew he would hate. I did this for the sole purpose of making his roommate laugh, it worked. I also threw in my perfume which he said he sprayed on himself, he's such a dork.

What made me laugh was he had specifically asked for me to send him something personal and because I had hid it he ended up being really upset thinking I had forgotten it. He claims he was tearing through each item looking for it and was upset that he thought I hadn't sent it. It made me smile that, that one thing was the most important to him.

My mom is sending off his first Christmas package today. She is sending a mini tree, mini decorations for it, candy canes, and all that good stuff. My plan is to send him a second box in about a week. I want to send him a stocking all stuffed with goodies, Christmas lights, reindeer ears for him and the guys, and of course his gift.
Putting his packages together really brings me a sense of joy. I love that I can do this for him and wish I could do more.

*What I miss about him most today - when he chases me up the stairs to go get ready and how instead of getting ready we end up play fighting instead.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

1 Month down!

I can't believe it's already been a month!
After taking some advice from Lil Mrs. and focusing on a "count up" as appose to a countdown, I feel like I have accomplished something facing the middle of week 5.
Missing him still hurts a lot.
Sleeping alone now leaves me restless.
Sad songs still make me weep.
He crosses my mind just as frequently.
But on the other hand.... my fears of "can I do this" have faded. I have acquired a few new fears but they are very manageable. I am less fearful of this process and have come to accept it for what it is.

Everyday he is gone my love for him and pride of him only grows stronger.

Remembrance day is just around the corner and it reminds me of one of my first memories with CB and I.

November 11th  of last year is where I can remember perfectly one of our earlier conversations. We didn't know each other that well back then and had maybe only met a few times. Well that morning we were texting back and forth as I took the bus to school flirting and being cute. I had arrived early for my first class so I decided to sit outside, smoke a cigarette and enjoy the sunshine. Well this being my first year in this city I wasn't aware of what is customary on this day, or even that it was Remembrance day to be honest.

Well all of a sudden my ear phones go quiet ( I was listening to the radio) and a couple of what I can only guess to be fighter jets fly right over the buildings at campus. Me being me, which is clueless, am completely confused and slightly concerned until the radio announces "thank you for the moment of silence". Just as soon as that's done am I pressing send on a text message to CB but instead end up answering his call.

I just remember us laughing at my stupidity/clueless-ness and just having one of the best conversations ever. All our conversations before this were forced on my part. I wasn't really feeling him but yet I still kept finding myself giving him another chance. Boy am I happy I did!!I pretty much sorta fell for him on this one phone conversation.

*What I miss about him most today - his silly dance moves he pulls

Sunday, October 31, 2010

My Boyfriend Lives in My Phone

Don't I feel special! The lovely Kimberly was kind enough to give me my first award the other day! She and her blog are both adorable. Go check them out!

The Rules:
1. Thank and link back to who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass it along to 7 blogs you've recently discovered and enjoy!
4. Leave the recipients a note, telling them about the award.

Alrighty.... 7 things about me, here it is:
  1. I talk to myself all the time! And recently have started to answer myself...
  2. My dog is my baby, although he runs the show
  3. I love having a routine, change and I are not the best of friends but we manage to get along
  4. I am a high school dropout and hate that everyone in my classes are 5 years younger than I am. Well only cause now I'll be "old" when I get my PhD
  5. I love to drive but get lost 80% of the time I go out
  6. My favorite things to do with my "me" time are turn up the volume and dance or take a nice long bubble bath
  7. I am a very different person from who I was a year ago and am proud of the changes I have made in my life
Wow that was hard to think of....

Now on with my ramblings! 
Over morning coffee with my mother, I came to the conclusion that CB now lives in my cell phone! How you ask? It's honestly very simple. Everything to do about him and I exist around my lovely crackberry. All of his pictures, or the pictures of things we've done together are in there. All the songs we like or that remind me of him are filed away in there. I can talk to him via e-mail, Facebook, or messenger just with a few clicks of a button. Oh and don't let me forget the best part, his real  life actual voice comes out of it too!!
Perfect Picture - Just how I picture it lol

I can't picture where he is or really grasp it, nor do I want to. I am proud of him for what he does but it is easier for me to be slightly oblivious to many factors. So from this I have concluded that he now lives in my phone for the time being. I can take him where ever I go, I'm never far from him. He sleeps in bed with me, he's in my pants...pocket (ha ha - couldn't resist. That should be number 8, I laugh at my own corny jokes), in a sense he is always within arms reach. If I'm feeling down, I have the picture of him sticking his tongue out at me, if I'm feeling lonely I have the picture of us together. 

Basically all of this is to say I do not know how the girlfriend and wives of earlier times survived deployment with out the amount of technology we have today. Kudos to them! I understand that they knew nothing different but knowing what I know now, in hindsight it just seems that much harder. You had to be home to get a telephone call, there was no instant messaging, no e-mail, no Skype, no nothing! Just letters.Thank you internet!

Well the snow came down last night and its gorgeous! I just feel bad for all the little trick-or-treaters tonight! I swear it was not this cold when I  use to go out, mind you that was many years ago but still!

Today is a day filled with rushing to write my paper, carving pumpkins, playing with 4 dogs, and giving out candy! I can't wait. I love the holidays!