Friday, December 17, 2010

I Thought I'd be Happy

I'm 6 days away from my self determined half way point of CB's deployment....
I thought by this point I would be excited to reach a major milestone in CB's deployment, but I'm not....
I feel like I'm back at the begging, like we just started and he just left.
I feel myself slipping back into myself, wanting to withdraw from everything and hide out in my room. My desire to be around others is dwindling, I dread having to go to work, and I just want to sleep all day. This is exactly what I went through the first few weeks he was gone. I thought these feelings were behind me... I thought wrong.

I guess this is what you get for having expectations. Nothing every goes as planned, I should know this by now. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about not being happy because obviously it will only make it worse. I figure my Debby-downer mood is due to the fact that it's the holidays, all the more reason to miss him, and I've spent so much time at his place in the last little bit which only rams home the point that he isn't here.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want it to be done. I want to cry, scream, and seriously just break down and quit. I want my soldier home! I'm sick of the background on my cell phone mocking me with his picture. I'm sick of seeing missed calls from unknown numbers and instantly wanting to cry. I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I hate the feeling that comes along with knowing you are missing your other half. I can't stand crying myself to sleep and waking up in the morning only to have my mascara smeared pillows remind me of how upset I was last night. (yes, I'm too lazy to take my makeup off at night...)

But quitting is not an option. I love him too much that walking away would be way more painful. I promised him I would be here waiting and I will be, there is no other option. If he is strong enough to be there then I have to be strong enough to be here, without him.

On my new x-mas list - a fast forward button


  1. i know what you mean - the middle is almost worse because looking back and looking forward...looks exactly the same. that middle month was the hardest for me last time. It will get better again! Take care!

  2. Thanks ladies!
    Lil Mrs - that's exactly how I feel! You couldn't have said it better. I feel stuck. I think once classes resume in January and I get back into my routine I'll be fine... it's all this downtime that leaves me with too much time to think.