Roller-coaster morning

This morning was amazing! I kept hitting snooze because I couldn't convince myself to get out of bed in the crappy weather. The alarm went off one last time and I told myself this was the last snooze I would allow myself, with the next annoying buzz I was getting out of bed and going in search of coffee.

Well imagine my surprise when instead of my alarm going off it's my cell phone actually ringing with my new favorite caller id "PRIVATE NAME, PRIVATE NUMBER"!!!! That's right ladies, he called this morning. It was the best way to wake up today. We both had a cup of coffee together on the phone and just joked around.

He was incredibly hyper due to 3 red bulls, the cup of coffee, and a few chocolate bars but it was adorable. He told me that he would be away for the most part from now on, which I'm fine with just as long as I know that's what to expect. I know this makes him happier as it means his skills are being put to use and he isn't sitting around picking his nose waiting to go anymore. The only part I'm not crazy about is him sleeping outside... I know he's use to it in a sense but I'm not use to the idea of it, it just throws me off a little.

So our conversation ended with me on a high and off to get ready for work! I was ready in a record 15 minutes it was great. I go out to go start my car, which by the way has had its check engine light on for a while but I've been to poor to take care of it so it hasn't been driven in 3 weeks, and the car wont start. My car is dead.... I run back inside to call work to tell them I'll be late. My next step is to call the mechanic! First time, no answer, second time I'm told to call back in 10 minutes, 3rd time I'm told they'll have to send a tow truck....I live a block away from them, which I tell them, and then plead for them to just send someone with booster cables so I can drive it there...their response is please call back in 10 minutes and speak to so and so.

So here I am waiting...

*Update - 50$ to move my car a block. I don't think so!!!
*Update #2 - 100$ to have a "come to you" mechanic come boost my car and check what code my check engine light is for.... Now to teach myself how to boost a car... wish me luck

Numbers, Days, & Time

14 days. That's how long it's been since CB and I last spoke on the phone.
13 days since we last spoke on facebook chat.
6 days since he last tried to call.

I think it's safe to say that in this exact moment I hate deployment.
I hate that the last times he tried, and he tried so hard, to call I was at freakin work. I hate that I wasn't there to answer his calls and how upset he might have been knowing this would be his only chance to call for the next little while. I hate how upset it made me to keep seeing I had missed his calls by just 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there.

I got this idea from Expat Girl. Somehow the donut makes it better.
Time Served:
1.96 Months
 8.56 Weeks
 59.89 Days
 1,437.45 Hours
 86,247.11 Minutes
 5,174,826.39 Seconds

Take that deployment! You are a dirty, dirty mistress who may have my boyfriend for the time being but he's thinking of me the whole time he is with you! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

The Story of Huge-O

I figure since I can't sleep without him he deserves his very own post!

Meet Huge-O! He was one of my birthday presents from CB to help me cope with deployment. So far he is doing an excellent job.

Before CB left I had told him, he needed to find me a replacement to sleep next if he wasn't going to be around to do the job. At first he just laughed at this and probably had no intention of doing it. Then one day he came over to my place to help me put up shelves in my room. I had left Hunter, which is another (smaller) bear that my ex had gotten me for hunting seasons, in my closet and forgotten he was in there. So naturally when we were moving things around in my room and we came across him CB asked who or where he was from. I quickly explained it was from an ex and he had been living in the bottom of my closet for a very long time. CB quickly sizes up the bear and throws him out of my room. I suppressed my laughter and we carried on with our day.

CB now has be running up and down the stairs for different tools, different screws, a level, and all kinds of other things. On one of my last trips to get him something, I'm pretty sure it was a brownie, I come bouncing up the stairs to my room and am instantly caught off guard.  CB took hunter, who had a red ribbon around his neck, and hung him from my doorknob. He see's me staring and just simply says "I don't know what happened, he just hung himself when I wasn't looking".... Can you say jealous much? I ended up throwing out the bear.

Fast forward to around my birthday. CB, his brother, his brothers friend, and I are all relaxing at his condo. CB keeps trying to get me to go get him things from his room. First he asks for his cellphone charger, which I tell him is in the kitchen. Then he asks for his ipod, which is in the dock. I can't remember what he finally asked for that I went upstairs to go get. Anyways there I am lost in my own thoughts, not paying attention as I turn the corner after the stairs. I'm finally a few feet from his room when I notice this HUGE brown thing sitting in the middle of his bed. I stopped dead in my tracks completely confused.
My thoughts were
Um what is that?
How did it get in here?
When did CB come upstairs?
Wasn't I the last one in the room? I'm pretty sure I was.
What the hell is sitting on the bed?
I start tiptoeing towards the room, a little scared and confused.
I should mention I'm pretty blind and never wear my glasses, due to that fact I could only make out what it was once I got into the room. Once I figured it out I was sooo happy! I literally jumped onto the bed to hug him.
It turns out CB snuck upstairs at some point to place him on the bed to surprise me. He also snuck up the stairs behind me to see my reaction.

I love my Huge-O. He is HUGE! He is definitely no CB but he makes my nights that much easier.

A Few Favorite Memories

I was writing CB a letter last night and I realized I haven't been keeping up with my plan on here to end every post with why I miss him on that day. So to make up for it, to myself, I have decided to write about some of my favorite moments the two of us have shared during our relationship so far.

They are in so specific order, just as they come to mind.

The first and only time he ever woke up before me without an alarm going off. He was so impatient in waiting for me to wake up and quickly tired of his subtle attempts, according to him, that he decided to pinch my nose and wake me up that way.  I jumped awake confused and and startled only to find him sitting there with this big smile on his face. Needless to say I couldn't be mad it was too cute.

I don't remember exactly how this memory started but I can guess it involved a day of us bumming around the condo watching Lost. I just remember us starting a game of  "I bet you can't do this..." where I started by weirding him out that I can fold my tongue in 3 and it some how turned into us doing push ups. I just remember how proud and excited he was that I could do 20 regular push ups.

There was one night, just a few days before my birthday or right after, where I almost let "I love you" slip for the first time. I remember catching myself and starting to laugh nervously. Well CB being CB kept at me with questions like what's so funny? why are you laughing? I thought I was all slick and played it off cool saying it was nothing and passing out before he could question me further. I wake up in the morning, roll over to cuddle him and BOOM! there he is ready to continue the interrogation into my laughter. I not being a good liar and unable to keep a straight face finally told him to stop being so dense and figure it out already. I just remember this big grin covering his face as he says he already did! He knew last night!
My favorite part to this is later on I brought this back up and he told me he was waiting for the perfect moment to say it first because he wanted to make sure I remembered it and knew he meant it. Awww

I think my all time favorite memory of him and I will always be Friday nights. Those Friday nights when he comes home to the condo are priceless to me. I love packing my bags before work for the weekend. Getting to call him on my dinner break to hear he's home. Rushing over there after we close the store. But my absolutely favorite part of this Friday night ritual is the walk from my car to his front door, ringing the doorbell, and seeing him come down the stairs to let me in.The anticipation, excitement, and joy I feel in those first few moments is such a high. It reminds me to never take him for granted. I love seeing the happiness on his face, the butterflies I get when I see him, and the emotions that rush over me as he takes me in his arms and holds on tight.

And I just made myself cry! Good job Elle! lol

It's Not Black!!!!!!

You gotta love people!

So here I am at work, mindlessly scanning objects, giving directions on how to use an interact machine ( Yes! The chip part goes inside the machine! Yes, you need to know you're pin!), and handing over receipts. My day was going smoothly and then I see him. He is an older man, he has a paper in his hand with hand writing all over it, and a cart with one single box on it. I can smell trouble.

He is now the next customer in my line and I can see scribbled on the paper are directions in his wifes handwriting. She has told him what aisle to go to, what bin it should be in, what color she wants, as well as the price. I start thinking, perfect! This can't go wrong. WRONG!

I scan his item, we make small talk, and now he is about to punch in his pin. All of a sudden he realizes it's the wrong price.

Him: It's suppose to be 69.99! See! (shows me his instructions from wife)

Me: I see that sir, but you're wife asked for a billy bookcase, this box is marked lack

What? What are you talking about? It isn't black its white! See!!! (he shows me through a small hole in the box his article is indeed white.

Yes sir, this piece is white but it isn't the right product. This products name is lack!

Listen lady! This is white! Look I showed you it's white. It's NOT BLACK!!!!

Okay sir, the name of the product you want is BILLY this one is called L-A-C-K (literally had to spell it out to him!)

Well I don't understand! My wife said go to aisle 18, bin 4 and that's where it is! That's where I went so you tell me how did I end up with the wrong product? It has to be it!

I don't know sir, but I do know this is not what your wife wrote down she wanted. It's possible another customer put it back in the wrong spot. All I do know is this is lack and you want billy. I can get someone to help you if you'd like?

For the last time young lady! It is NOT BLACK! It's white!

He then stormed off in a huff to go bitch at the next person wearing yellow he saw and I almost pissed myself with laughter. 

Good times. 

Quick View Into My Morning

• Woke up multiple times this morning to make sure I haven't missed a call from CB
• Noticed something wrong with my table of content for my paper due today and had to reprint the whole thing while crossing my fingers I wouldn't run out of ink!
• Went to go take a shower, got shampoo in my eye and BOOM the phone rings. Almost killed myself jumping out of the shower (apparently there was left over conditioner that hadn't full gotten rinsed down still lining the bottom of the tub)  to get to the phone....it was a freaking telemarketer. I went from answering the phone all super excited to disappointed in like .3 seconds.
• Get out of the shower and go into my room et VOILA! The dog puked on my bed... I, in-turn, just about puked trying to strip my bed.

Asides from that everything's going great! I'm enjoying slowly getting ready for class, having lots of coffee, you know all the good stuff about having a late starting day.

I will note that I think I am slightly obsessive. My lovely blackberry and laptop have not left my side since I woke up this morning. I have facebook open and am constantly refreshing to see if CB comes online. As far as the cell phone it's on full blast AND vibrate and lets not forget pretty much glued to my hand. The worst thing about the cell phone is the fact that despite knowing I have it on max volume and vibe I keep pressing buttons to make it light up JUST IN CASE I missed a call or a message. I'm gonna kill my battery before I even leave for school.

Which is Worse?

I'm not sure which feeling I hate more at the moment....

Situation A - not talking to CB for a week and freaking out about it

or

Situation B - missing 5 phone calls from CB in the same day after not speaking to him for a week?

Damnit! I need voicemail.

*Insert happy dance here* HE CALLED!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning to see CB had finally replied to one of my 6 million messages on facebook (and by 6 million I mean 7) and got soo excited. Such a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

This is what he wrote:
"Hey you!
Don't worry I had to go away for a few days. Everything is well here and I'm good. I hope you didn't get too worried, but me being gone for a few days is normal. Love you lots and take care of yourself honey bunny and if you need to express yourself don't be shy.
Buenas noches"

I love him!
Considering our past I'm always worried he'll snap out of it and revert to the single version of himself. I'm scared I'll scare him away or that my almost daily messages will get on his nerves. But then I think of his past and what happened to him the last time he was over (he bought a place on base, had a gf move in, paid off all her debt, went overseas, and she slept with every guy on base she could get her hands on) and I realize I'm crazy. I'm sure it reassures him as much as it comforts me.

The last line really touches me the most. I love that he genuinely wants to hear what I'm feeling and isn't scared off by it. It just shows me how much he has taken down his walls and really stepped into this relationship. He is the most amazing man I have ever had the chance to get to know let alone be with.

It was heartbreaking today to see that I missed his calls by minutes each time. The first time I had just gotten into work and must have just locked my cell phone away. I noticed on my break that I had 2 missed calls so I quickly fired off a message on facebook saying "CALL ME NOW! I have 20 minutes of my break left!!!" Well he called 50 minutes after I sent the message... boo. Clearly he's not so good at noticing the times because he then wrote me back to say " You're not answering  my love".
I am a firm believer that men only understand their own timeline and schedules.

Well my phone is now on max volume and is glued to my hand! I don't want to go to sleep in case I miss yet another call...
I really can't decide which of the two situations makes me feel worse

Set The Fire To The Third Bar

What a Weird Nights Sleep

I just woke up and I'm exhausted! Last night was not very restful.
I have this bad habit of having to fall asleep with the TV on when I'm sleeping alone and last night was no different. I had a hard time getting sleepy so I ended up watching Paranormal State. This show use to creep me out but now it's just lame, they try to hard.
Anyways at about 6am my dog wakes up and starts growling. I wake up, look around the room and I see nothing. The door is closed, there's no sounds in the house, nothing is going on that should have him growling. I shift down to the bottom of the bed to lay with him in an attempt to comfort him and get him to stop, it doesn't work. He is extremely upset and starts barking at whatever it is he thinks he sees.
I get out of bed to turn the lights on to show him there's nothing there. Just as I flick the light switch on and the light floods the room this awful feeling washes over me and thoughts of CB fill my mind.
I really hope he is okay and not having to deal with anything to unpleasant at the moment.
Anyways I never figured out what the dog was barking at... creepy. Maybe he had nightmares from the show.

I'm scared to go anywhere without my phone now because I keep telling myself it will ring any moment. I will feel like a piece of poop if  he calls and I miss it. I really need to get voicemail ASAP. With my luck he'll call while I'm at work and thanks to the no reception I wont have even seen that he's called.... That's why I've been leaving my cell in the car, so at least if I miss the call at least I'll be able to see that I've missed it.

That's what I find weird about BB's, they don't show you the calls you missed while you had no reception AND forget about looking at your missed call list if it's from an unknown number. WTF? They count as calls too, I'd like to track the dates and times of them too ya know?!

As of today CB and I have officially spent 53 days apart and have roughly 115 left. We are about 1/3 of our way through this deployment. I made sure to add on a couple of weeks when counting the days. I rather be pleasantly surprised its sooner than later. Although, I do realize from reading other blogs even adding on a couple of weeks may still leave me annoyed because it may still be even later than it's suppose to be.

Have you ever heard of the old folks wisdom that when you get the hiccups it means someone is thinking of you? Silly but it's fun to play around with. Well last night my mom and I were having dinner and right smack in the middle of it she got the hiccups. So we started playing "who's thinking of me?" We started with her boyfriend...*hiccup*...so then I joked that it was CB....NO HICCUP! We started laughing and some how ended up talking about our future together. We joked that the poor guy has no idea what he's coming home to, by the time he's home we'll be married and have 2.5 children with a white picket fence.

From that joke my mom and I got into joking about his arrival. I'm half convinced I'm going to stuff a sweater under my shirt to make myself look pregnant. I have no doubt this will have him stop dead in his tracks, turn around, and run right back to the bus. It would be priceless. The only issue is I'd never be able to keep a straight face.... I'm horrible at not giving things away. I can not keep a secret to save my life, I am not the person you want to tell about a surprise party, I will word vomit it out 2 hours later by accident.

Now everyone please cross your fingers and toes for me in hopes that I get a phone call from CB today! I figure willing him to call might work. You never know!

Need You Now

It's officially been a week since I've heard from him in any shape or form.....

I'm trying to stay positive but I've kinda ended up in a blah funk of a mood lately.

I feel lost inside my own thoughts and mind

Things feel like they are just happening around me instead of to me

Did I mention that I hate deployment?
I hate how much I whine about it and him being gone.
I despise the fact that I am not coping well with it, which only leads me down a worse trail

Onto a positive note
I think I finished my last term paper for this session, thank god! I pulled out a lot of hair but its done!
I spent the day in my pj's and did not move from my bed! I had a complete me day with the second love of my life, my dog! It was exactly what I needed today.

Starting to worry

This is the longest time CB and I have gone without talking since the start of his deployment....
My mind is racing with possibilities as to why this is. Unfortunately for me my mind can be my worst enemy at times and I can't help but think of a few bad scenarios. I try and push them out of my head as fast as they come in. I just keep reminding myself it's a different world over there and the lack of contact can be for a number of reasons. DON'T JUMP TO ANY CONCLUSIONS! Easier said then done....

I broke something at work yesterday! YAY me! I'm such a klutz.
Life is pretty boring at the moment with not much going on....  Work is okay, school is good, CB is gone, and Cece continues to annoy me about CB, I swear I could dedicate a whole post to her...but I wont.

I take comfort in the fact that now I have a job and school so the days will hopefully pass more quickly. I am shocked that it has already been 7 weeks since he left. Thank god for friends and family. My mom is my biggest supporter and I feel guilty for always talking her ear off about him. I think it's cute when she tells me how much she misses him too.

Off to work... lets hope I don't destroy anything else today.

Long Distance

I've decided since I'm still upset to only post songs this way I wont regret having said or written anything I may want to take back later.

I miss him terribly

I don't have the first clue as to what he is dealing with, I only know my own pain...

I love him dearly and look to him as a great model of strength I could definitely learn a thing or two from.

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

This was suppose to be a happy post *Edited*

I'm not sure I want to post about this but I need to get it out of my head so here goes...

I had every intention of coming on here this morning and writing a cute little post with some lyrics that make me sad in a happy kind of way... That was until I felt slightly annoyed by CB.

I am a drama queen who is clearly PMS-ing  hardcore!

Just a Quickie

• First official day of work - good! I didn't get lost!
• Facebook chat with CB - mildly frustrating due to connection issues, but good! We were able to talk out the whole real estate issue from the other day.
• School - Great! Got 95% on my paper I just got back and got a good chunk of another one started today.
• Current situation - massive headache and heading to bed with a dog that's hyper on coffee.... Apparently while I wasn't home to watch him he jumped up on the kitchen table and drank the rest of my coffee I forgot to bring into the kitchen, my mom caught him! WTF? 

Sweet dreams! Another day down another day closer.

Real Estate Stole My Boyfriend

Mr. Combat Boots should now be called Mr. Real Estate...or perhaps Ass.

Let me start from the top. CB has been dreaming of flipping houses and investing in real estate for some time now. I have been supportive of this and trying to make sure he makes him self fully educated on the subject. Well it's created a monster.

I was lucky and got a whole two phone conversations with him today, the first being wonderful and cute and the second being confusing and left me pouting and confused when we hung up.

We were talking about what options he is considering when he returns, the first one didn't go over so well. It consists of him renting out his property here and buying a second property off base and renting out half of that as well. I have no argument with why this would be logical for him, what I do have an issue with however is his plan on how our relationship would continue. His ingenious plan is to take turns visiting one another on weekends. Great, except I work retail which means WEEKENDS and I live with my mother which means NO SEX. So basically we'd see each other every second weekend at my moms place... YAY.....can you feel my excitement?

I get that living in the shack sucks.
I understand that he is always the one that travels back and forth.
I know he wants to make something of himself and be financially stable.

But what keeps going through my mind is that he decided to buy a place here, 2 hours away from work. He wanted to have a place to come home to on weekends because that little shit hole of a city drove him nuts.
He understood I was here and unable to travel there and that I would always work weekends for the next few years.

What's even worse is he then started pressuring me to know when I would be at a level of schooling where I would start making money. I felt as if he needed to know how soon I could start paying him rent or something. I don't live with him, I haven't asked to, nor do I think we are ready to. But NOW I feel like it may be something I need to be able to do to keep him in his condo here. If I can offer to pay rent perhaps it would make it more fees-able for him to stay.

My biggest issue with the whole thing is he now has me wondering about future separations when we aren't even half way through his deployment! It's not fair to make me question my whole future because of you while you aren't here to support me emotionally and talk out options. You can't just drop this on me and get off the phone right after. It's cruel and right now I want to kick you in the face but since you aren't here I have childishly turned your picture frame face down!
Take That!

It's a Cult!

First day training at Ikea consists of BRAINWASHING.
Okay so I am over exaggerating a little. We spent 7 and 1/2 hours in a room being read slide after slide word for word followed by at least 25 videos. Then we had to fill out 20 pages of paper work. It was the longest training day I have ever been exposed to and I still have no clue what my job entails. What I do know is that they sold 260,000 hot dogs last year alone. Yuck.

They did not leave us alone for a minute. They even forced us to have lunch with them like they knew if they left us to our own devices we would escape. Apparently the next step is the "buddy system". I am telling you, I just finished studying this in one class, this is how cults operate.

• Buddy system - Check
• Repeated exposure to their message - Check
• Reduce contact with friends and family - Check (no reception = no phone calls or texts of SOS)
• Made to feel like you owe them - Check (they bought us lunch and chocolate)

I was so overloaded with information my mind is now numb, so numb that I cannot concentrate on writing my paper thats due in a few days, the one I haven't even started. FML

I took a picture of myself in the uniform to send to CB. I haven't told him which job I got yet, I know it will make him pee his pants with laughter. It's horrible!!! Yellow is not my color.

Back To Work

Tomorrow is the start of my new career with Ikea... yay... 

I'm far too exhausted to be excited. 

Also I'm still crossing my fingers that there is a hope in hell I get a call back from the bank. 

It is 7:40 pm and I think I might just go to bed. 

Drinks? Please!!!

Have you ever had an interview at Ikea? DON'T!
Okay, I shouldn't say don't but be prepared for the most awkward interview of your life! There is no office or private place to hold the interview, it is right smack in the middle of the sales floor in which ever show room is empty at that moment. WTF?

There were people buying the dinning room table I was having my interview on.The lady had to ask me "sorry, could you move your arm? I'd like to write the style number of table down please." I was mid sentence in trying to explain how I had dealt with an irate customer in the past. I was already struggling with my nerves and having a hard time finding my "professional" words and that's all it took to royally screw me.

One woman even sat down to join us. She was just sitting there, looking around at the decorations, fussing with the table setting display. All of a sudden a light went off in her brain as she clued in to what we were doing and says "Oh sorry, I didn't realize! You should apply to Rona, they're always looking." and then walked off. The woman and I couldn't help but laugh at this and luckily from there I felt a bit more at ease and things went a little smoother.

Interview number two was the preliminary phone interview with the bank. Oh lord was he long winded. By the time he was done explaining his scenario of what a behavioral question is , 10 minutes later! (plus long distance charges), I almost forgot what he was going on about. What I wanted to say "Remember I told you I'm a psychology major? I understand!!!I've covered them in 4 different classes 4 different ways!". Instead I screwed up the first question. Totally was caught off guard by my mental rant and had never thought of an example prior, unfortunately the one I did think of was HORRIBLE!

Now it's time to wait and see if my criminal background check, checks out for Ikea. That's at least a week. It's about the same amount of time if not more to see if I've made it onto the second round of interviews with the bank.

My biggest issue is the hours they are both offering. The postings were misleading. The bank is only looking for either 14 hours for one branch or casual hours for the other. For those of you who don't know, casual is ZERO guarantee of hours. You could work 20 hours one week and then not work for 2 weeks.

HELLO! I have bills to pay. My credit card is maxed the hell out. My car is way too much money a month because I was young and stupid when I financed it 4 years ago. Best Buy is charging me a crazy amount of interest each month, I cannot just pay the minimum on that thing. And well lets not forget Rogers, they like being paid monthly and on time as well. Who the hell can survive on casual? It's cruel and unusual punishment to someone who is not retired and has bills.

Ikea on the other hand posted 20-25hours. Perfect, I need about 25 at what they pay. Well it turns our it was all a LIE. They're looking for 34 hours. Apparently they're is the occasional week where it may be 20 but its mostly 34 hour weeks. What that means to me is Monday = school, Tuesday = work, Wednesday = school, Thursday = work, Friday = work, Saturday = work, Sunday = work, rinse, lather, and repeat.

...I'll do it if I have to...

The combination of the stress from the interviews and all the emotions brought on from Remembrancer day I am now ready for a drink, or 6.

Lest We Forget

A day that I can shamefully say use to pass without that much thought or meaning....until now.

Thank you to those who have fought to make this country what it is today and to those who continue to do so and their families. 

Pajama Party For One!

Who looks this cute in their pajamas? Really!

Blah! I feel guilty...I skipped my courses today. I couldn't bring myself to blow dry my hair, put on make up and go out into the world today. Instead I spent the day in my pj's and CB's sweater and spent the day pulling my hair out looking for research articles related to my own research. I failed! EPICALLY!

Okay I'm exaggerating, there were articles I just refuse to spend money to read them when they may not even be relevant! Yes, I'll pay $12.99 after reading a very vague description about your paper.  I'm horrible with libraries, I can't take the silence, but I may just have to attempt to use one.

Tomorrow I have my two interviews back to back, I hope I didn't screw myself with this. The first one with Ikea is in person, the second is with the bank and on the phone. I'm really hoping I'll have enough time to get home in between the two so that I am not stuck doing the interview in my car. I need to pace when I'm on the phone.

I am proud of myself though! This will be the first time I have ever prepared for an interview. I wrote down answers to possible questions, looked up the companies, all that jazz. Now please cross your fingers and toes for me! If neither of these go through I think I'll be standing on a street corner looking like this:

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Let this go well.

The Hardest Phone Call Yet

I willed him to call and it worked! I went to bed telling his picture "you will call me tomorrow" and woke up this morning telling myself the same thing and it worked. He called! It was great.

He called at the perfect time as I had big news to tell him. I had just gotten a call from a bank for an interview later this week. I now have two interviews back to back on Thursday, one is an in person interview while the other is a preliminary phone interview with the bank. I want the job at the bank! It turns out over 500 people applied for the same position as I did. I had to warn him, the man at the bank, that although I didn't think that my first interview would go over an hour as it was only for a cashier position at Ikea, I may have to return his call just in case. He seemed fine with that and joked "who wants to work for Ikea when you can work for us!"

CB said he was really proud of me for actually getting my foot in the door with the bank and then told me I could be his sugar momma. I pissed myself laughing and responded "what a great sugar momma I am, I can't even afford to bring my own car to the garage!" I need a job ASAP!

I asked him if he figured out how to play my DVD I had sent him and it looks like he still can't. I don't get why he doesn't have a computer guy look at it during their down time. He also told me he has been spacing out my letters so he can have little "pieces" of me when he really misses me which I thought was the sweetest thing. Apparently his favorite parts of my letters are the p.s.'s, I decided to end them the same way I usually end my blog, what I miss about him most that day. He is such a suck so I love that he enjoys that part, I hoped he would. He hasn't yet open the letter I marked "save for a bad day" which comforts me.

The hardest part of the phone call was the end.... We were joking around and he was whispering things to me he did not want the others to hear and in between two cute things he whispered "it's horrible here"... My heart sank. I didn't think I had heard him right and kept replaying it in my head but I'm certain it's what he said. I was shocked. We got off the phone not too long after that and as I was coming down the stairs to go back to studying the weight of his words hit me. I collapsed on the stairs and broke down in tears. He is not one to express himself when it comes to work, at all, so now my mind is racing as to what has happened. This is his 3rd tour I guess I just assumed there would be nothing left to upset him... naive I know.

*What I miss about him most - when he wakes up before me but doesn't want to be the only one awake he'll pinch my nose to wake me up. I love how he gets such a kick out of my reaction and is that impatient to spend time with me that he feels the need to wake me up.

What An Awful Feeling

Yesterday I spent the day working for a friend of the family and keeping busy, it was great. Once we were finished up at the store we went to go grab some takeout to bring home to my place and enjoy with my mom. We ate, we laughed, we stuffed our faces, and then we all got lazy.

I wandered up to my room exhausted hoping to catch up on some school reading but ended up playing around online as usual. So here I am downloading music, creeping CB on facebook, basically everything and anything but studying because I'm so zoned out and then the doorbell rings. This is like 9 o'clock at night on a Saturday, who the hell gets unexpected visitors at this hour is the only thought I had at that exact moment. I jump out of bed and run so I can see who or what it is, instead I see my mom approaching the door very apprehensively and then BOOM anxiety attack. My stomach dropped, my heart was racing, I was in a cold sweat, and I just had an overall horrible feeling. All for a freaking door-to-door salesman! YOU ASS!

For some reason when I saw my mom walking up to the door the way she did my worst fears set it in for a second. All I could remember was what one of CB's colleagues had told me "Phones don't ring for bad news, doorbells do". I quickly calmed myself down and came to my senses, I wouldn't be the one who gets notified anyway. Needless to say I was still shaken from it and had a horrible time trying to fall asleep, all I could think of was how much I miss him and what on earth is he dealing with emotionally, physically, and mentally. I love him so very much and all I want is for him to be safe.

I called my dad today, I'm not sure why I always regret it right after. Don't get me wrong our relationship is not horrible but he is just so oblivious and clueless when it comes to me it's hard for us to connect. Our conversation was as follows:
Hi dad
Hi Elle, how are you
I'm good dad how are you
Good watching the game, are you calling to wish me a happy birthday?
No dad... I did that already...on your birthday...
Oh you did?
Yes dad, what did you take up drinking and start forgetting things hehe? 
Nah it must be my memory I am 65 now you know
......
How's your boyfriend? did he leave yet?
He's good, and yea he left a while ago dad.... (i've only told him 15 times)
Oh good good! Is it serious?
Well I'd hope so! I did decide to wait for him for 6 months
Oh right...good! No (insert last name ) waits on the sidelines for nobody! ( he then proceeded to laugh hysterically at his own joke)

I love my dad, you can always count on him to tell a horrible joke and then piss himself laughing till he turns so red in the face my mom would get concerned about his blood pressure. I unfortunately took after my dad in this way... I laugh at all my stupid jokes that I know are only funny to me. Meh at least we entertain ourselves.

It has arrived!

CB called me today WOOHOO. I had a feeling he would today, I just felt it when I woke up this morning. I was hoping he would call a little later than he did because I met up with his cousins wife and I would have loved for them to get to talk to each other a little.

Apparently he got my package a couple of days ago and was very happy with it. I ended up sending him a new PS3 game that he beat in 2 hours apparently, the board game operation which no one wants to play with him, a pillow case that I drew on but he originally thought I bought, and his toy helicopter that flies just not very well apparently.

I had also sent him a DVD of a few short recordings of me but apparently he can't get the video to work just the audio which sucks but oh well. I also made him a mix tape of completely sappy love songs that I knew he would hate. I did this for the sole purpose of making his roommate laugh, it worked. I also threw in my perfume which he said he sprayed on himself, he's such a dork.

What made me laugh was he had specifically asked for me to send him something personal and because I had hid it he ended up being really upset thinking I had forgotten it. He claims he was tearing through each item looking for it and was upset that he thought I hadn't sent it. It made me smile that, that one thing was the most important to him.

My mom is sending off his first Christmas package today. She is sending a mini tree, mini decorations for it, candy canes, and all that good stuff. My plan is to send him a second box in about a week. I want to send him a stocking all stuffed with goodies, Christmas lights, reindeer ears for him and the guys, and of course his gift.
Putting his packages together really brings me a sense of joy. I love that I can do this for him and wish I could do more.

*What I miss about him most today - when he chases me up the stairs to go get ready and how instead of getting ready we end up play fighting instead.

1 Month down!

I can't believe it's already been a month!
After taking some advice from Lil Mrs. and focusing on a "count up" as appose to a countdown, I feel like I have accomplished something facing the middle of week 5.
Missing him still hurts a lot.
Sleeping alone now leaves me restless.
Sad songs still make me weep.
He crosses my mind just as frequently.
But on the other hand.... my fears of "can I do this" have faded. I have acquired a few new fears but they are very manageable. I am less fearful of this process and have come to accept it for what it is.

Everyday he is gone my love for him and pride of him only grows stronger.

Remembrance day is just around the corner and it reminds me of one of my first memories with CB and I.

November 11th  of last year is where I can remember perfectly one of our earlier conversations. We didn't know each other that well back then and had maybe only met a few times. Well that morning we were texting back and forth as I took the bus to school flirting and being cute. I had arrived early for my first class so I decided to sit outside, smoke a cigarette and enjoy the sunshine. Well this being my first year in this city I wasn't aware of what is customary on this day, or even that it was Remembrance day to be honest.

Well all of a sudden my ear phones go quiet ( I was listening to the radio) and a couple of what I can only guess to be fighter jets fly right over the buildings at campus. Me being me, which is clueless, am completely confused and slightly concerned until the radio announces "thank you for the moment of silence". Just as soon as that's done am I pressing send on a text message to CB but instead end up answering his call.

I just remember us laughing at my stupidity/clueless-ness and just having one of the best conversations ever. All our conversations before this were forced on my part. I wasn't really feeling him but yet I still kept finding myself giving him another chance. Boy am I happy I did!!I pretty much sorta fell for him on this one phone conversation.

*What I miss about him most today - his silly dance moves he pulls