Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What Has Changed

I am no longer wearing his dog tags daily, the results? I feel much lighter without the constant reminder that he is gone hanging around my neck, weighing me down.

I have stopped counting down daily. Although this was somewhat kiboshed this evening when I got a call that would normally make me ecstatic....

I was given CB's possible arrival dates and it's sooner than I had expected! Why am I not more excited??? What's wrong with me? There was no jumping for joy, no rush of happiness, just a mediocre sense of meh.... Anyways there was tons of good news with that call and I'll make sure to make a post deserving of it soon.

Back to what I am doing differently!

I am no longer going to centralize my life around him. I am going to rely on myself, do what is best for myself, and stop getting ahead of myself. So basically, I'm pulling back. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and want him in my life for long term but it's the only way, at the moment, that I can see coming to terms with the new conditions of our relationship once he puts his plan in action. If I am still stuck in a head-over-heals follow-you-to-the-end-of-the-earth mindset with him, I wont put my needs above us and the reality is I'll need to otherwise my school and work will suffer.

And as far as doing as he asked and seeing his plans in a positive way, I think I have accomplished that to some extent as well. I have come up with an idea for him to test out this whole flipping houses thing. Since he will be selling his place, I think it's only smart that the 4 of them work together on making minor improvements on his house so that he can get the most money for his current place and have a larger security net, just in case. They'll get to see how well they work together, he'll hopefully up the value on his place, they'll learn what skills they need to improve on, and they'll also hopefully learn which areas are the best to invest in, in a house.

....I still don't get why the 4 of them wouldn't be approved for a mortgage if they all went in together but that's a rant for another day....


  1. Funny, I haven't been wearing Caleb's as much either.

  2. hang in there, tours are always hard. You are right on focusing on you. While he's there he has to focus on being the best he can be and focus on that for his life. This is so he can come home to you and be the best he can be for you!

    The boys seem to get lots of ideas while overseas, it may not even happen. Focus on today, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.


  3. @ kelsey - does not wearing them have any effect on you?

    @CBG - I totally get what you're saying and it's hard to see the silver lining in his choices but I'm learning :). And as far as worrying only about today that's what I'm mainly working on. I'm tired of spending my days waiting to get to the next one. It's time to live in the moment lol.