Thursday, January 20, 2011

Positive My Ass!

My good mood lasted for all of what? A couple of hours? Great!

CB called. I should be excited right? Well I have mixed emotions. I'm super happy to hear from him and we had a good talk but it left a bitter taste in my mouth and a sad mood in my heart.

I blogged a while ago about CB's dreams to flip a house and a few ideas he had planned for his return, you can read about it here. Well I thought the crazy idea of him giving up his place here was gone, boy was I wrong.
I was living in make believe land apparently.
He just informed me that he is putting his house on the market when he gets home. He has 3 partners he is going into business with and since all of them have families and houses he is the only one that can take on a new house under his name, provided he gives up the one he has now.

I was shocked. This is now something else that gets put ahead of me in his list of priorities. I told him coming second to his job was fine, I agreed to that when I said yes to date him. But now I come 3rd to this new project. What this means for us as a couple is...god I don't even know. I wont get to see him on weekends because I'll be at work, I'll be at school during the week, as will he. He will only be a 2 hour drive away which isn't horrible but it just makes everything that more complicated.

If he comes to visit me here, I live with my mom so we get no privacy. If I go to visit him there we'll be staying in the shacks or a property that is being renovated. Can you say romantic?

I straight up told him that if this was his way of leaving me he better just come straight out and say it. He said it wasn't and I believe him. He said he wanted me to be included in this. I basically told him I wasn't thrilled about the idea and to be prepared for me to bitch and moan about it while we go through it. He said it would only be for a couple of years...And I flat out told him not to waste my time. I told him I loved him very much and I saw a future with him, but if he didn't see me there at the end of all this he needs to let me know because it's not fair to me to drag me along if he isn't serious.

I don't mind supporting him and sacrificing my happiness so he can accomplish his dreams, but there is a limit. I can only handle so much. I need to know that there will be a point where I will come first and it wont always be me giving up the things I want for him. I only think its fair that he should be willing to do the same for me, at some point if need be.

I am going to be honest and admit that I am scared shitless of this scenario. I don't know if I will be strong enough to cope with it. I barely get to see him as it is and he is deliberately taking that away from us. I understand the reason behind it, I do, but I can't help it and be selfish to actually want to spend time with him. I know I am not wrong in that aspect. I am so confused right now. I know he is the one I want to be with but I know myself well enough to know this is not a situation I will cope with well. This will eat at me from the inside out and play on all my insecurities .


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