Oh What A Night....And It's Not Over Yet

I HATE people that sell things door to door! If this is your chosen profession, I'm sorry but I would slam the door in your face any day of the week.

Two guys just came to my door, ring the bell and then back up into the shadows so I have to open to door to so who or what it is. I open the door to have them both step up onto the front step, I notice one is on a cell phone so I look to their hands to see if they are lost delivery people, nope no food. I close the main door so it's only open a few inches and stare at them blankly. Finally the genius on the phone says "are your parents home?"
Me - What do you want?
Him - oooh, you live here?
Me - No, I just come over here in my pajamas to answer the door at dinner time. Can I help you?
Him - Oh, umm... we are with energy saver....
Me - *shutting the door*
Him- No! Wait! Wait!!! ....FUCK!

If you are coming to my house or calling me, whatever it is you are selling is CLEARLY not a something I  need or probably want.   Thanks for trying, please don't let the door catch your fingers as I shut it.

Can you tell I'm grumpy? lol
I came home to a TRASHED house. The dog went crazy. Ever since my mom left a few days ago he is acting up when I leave for work. Tonight I came home to find he had made his way into the trash can, stole bubble gum from CB's care package, and Houdini-ed his way into my room where he decided to eat a stick of deodorant and chew on some cotton balls. WTF?? The worst was when I came back downstairs and almost sat on the cat poop he took out of the litter-box...

I know my dog isn't that well trained but this is like a whole new level. He never acts this bad when I'm out of town and my mom's working. I don't get it. I need the dog whisperer ASAP

And now to try and study with a headache! Wish me luck :)

A How To Guide

How to study unsuccessfully
1. Leave your laptop open, in front of you
2. Sit in front of the TV
3. Leave the TV on a reality show station
4. Get up every 20 minutes to look for something new in the fridge
5. Wake the dog up every 40 minutes because he just looks too cute
6. Make yourself a self-test quiz, and then cheat
7. Distract yourself with the fact that you've cheated on your own test with facebook and blogs
8. Decide to waste more time making this post
9.....heading back to the fridge.....

A Few Confessions

I was sitting up in bed last night, wide awake, when it hit me!
I am a night binge eater...
This is what my horrible eating habits look like:
I have to start the day with Coffee & a cigarette
If I don't have work  I make breakfast at noon
If i do have work  I only eat around 2, on my first break
Come home from school or work and stuff my face with dinner
Go upstairs and study
Come back downstairs at about 11 and make a snack to take back up to my room and eat in bed.....
I'll either make myself a gigantic bowl of fresh popcorn or....my really guilty gross pleasure...a crunched up pack of Mr.noodles, raw.... I know, it's gross but I love it.

Last night I made popcorn, ate it all!, and then came downstairs 30 minutes later to make myself a Bistro...
I love eating in bed, CB has no idea lol

A few other random confessions/facts:

I love to steal boy sweaters, they're so much more comfortable

If I could spend everyday all day in sweat or yoga pants I would, when I have to put jeans on to venture out into the "real world" I rip them off as soon as I get home!!!

I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety attacks, but nothing completely debilitating so far I've managed myself through them

I'm pretty sure I took to psychology to help me "deal" with myself and understand things in my life

My mom and I have a friendship like no other and it's my relationship with her that has convinced me I must have kids at some point in my life

It is my relationship with my brothers and the whole family dynamic that has convinced me adoption is not for me, not that there is anything wrong with it. I think my dad adopting my two brothers is a wonderful thing but I  unfortunately grew up seeing a bad scenario of it and it scares the crap out of me.

This deployment/experience has reminded me of how strong we all are. We are all facing our own unique struggles by being a part of this military lifestyle. Time and time again we have meet, overcome, or are in the process of beating the obstacles put in our path for choosing to be with the men we love. I couldn't be in this positive of a place right now if it weren't for all of your kind, supporting, and thoughtful words. So, thank you!! Especially to Amber, who has left me with the most meaningful quote "If God brings you to it, he'll get you through it". I am not very religious but it still has great significance to me.

On that note! Go checkout http://miligirlfriends.blogspot.com/ !
Kelsey was very thoughtful in starting this community. It always helps to meet others who are going through the same things we are, I know it has helped me A LOT!

Oh and don't forget there is also http://www.household6diva.com/

The Most Unromantic V-day Care Package Ever

What is he getting for valentines day? A whole lot of junk lol.
A couple of cds, a ton of candy, a bubble gum piggy-bank machine, a Tim Horton's gift card, a cute card, a couple of letters, and some pictures of the things he has missed.
LAME!!!!
I can't think of anything else. I wanted to do the personalized M&M's but it comes out to like 100$, thank you but no!
I was thinking of doing sexy couple coupons but...HELLO he's coming back from overseas, I don't think we'll need coupons.
So he is getting the most unromantic box ever and I'm sure he wont mind in the least since he is such a "manly man" while he is over there. lol

I want my big suckypoo teddy bear back! Now!

Oh and my exam....not so good... one question made me want to cry, I honestly debated on just drawing a picture in the space provided to give my answer.

It's Creeping Up On Me

So remember how I was complaining about not being more excited about knowing when CB will be home?
That's changing day by day! I am getting way more excited and impatient!YAY!!

We talked a bit today about who he wants there to pick him up and what our plans are for our first day back together. No surprise there, he wants Thai food!

My plan is to stock the fridge with food, the liquor cabinet with a few bottles of wine and maybe some vodka, and a bunch of other things that mean we don't have to leave the house unless we want to.

He was in a better mood today, perhaps because of the overload on redbull, but it was nice to see he wasn't as stressed out as yesterday.

I stupidly told him this stalker story that happened to me the other day on the bus without thinking and he went into full fledge worry mood. He started freaking out about me taking the bus so late at night and him not being here to take care of me. I don't know what I was thinking, obviously I wasn't, when I told him this story. Thankfully he was hopped-up on redbull and changing the subject was really easy.

I have a stupid test today.... freaking philosophy...
Ugh.

6 weeks!!!!!....yea, so much for me not counting down huh? lol

It Breaks My Heart...

...to hear that he is having a hard time over there. He called today and despite everything that is going on he opened up a little. He is extremely frustrated with some stuff that is going on there. It kills me that he isn't able to say more and that I have no idea what he is going through or how to help asides from being supportive.

He says he is more than ready to come home now and can't wait to get out of there. I told him to hang in there and he'll be eating Thai food before he knows it. I may have to call ahead and warn them that he's coming.

It was funny to hear him breaking down the time apart left into smaller chunks as a way to make it seem more manageable. I've done this countless times so it was cute to see him do it too.

Let Me Off!

Yesterday I mentioned that I would devote a post to the wonderful news I received last night, so here it is!

I was sitting at the dinner table stuffing my face with pizza and salad when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number and almost didn't answer but something urged me to. Well I'm happy I did because it was the lovely Mrs. I-take-care-of-the-wives-and-girlfriends calling with the news I have been waiting for since October. 

I got my first set of possible homecoming dates!!! It's earlier than I expected and so far not in conflict with any exams, which is amazing, She also gave me some news about where we will be able to pick them up and how soon after they arrive they plan on having them released to us. All in all good news. I do realize this is all subject to change at any time, but I'm kinda hoping it sticks within the time line she gave me because it works perfectly for my life. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but it's the truth. 

I still don't understand why I'm not more excited... 

I'm kind of scared to be honest, well actually I'm feeling a lot of emotions about the whole thing. 

To me, the timing of the news and the news itself is like taking me off the roller-coaster of deployment and throwing me straight onto the teacups before I've even realized what's hit me. (And my news I am referring to both what CB told me and the phone call). I just thought I had figured shit out and the rules are about to change on me, AGAIN! I can not wait to get off this ride and go back to something simpler, like the carousel. 

What Has Changed

I am no longer wearing his dog tags daily, the results? I feel much lighter without the constant reminder that he is gone hanging around my neck, weighing me down.

I have stopped counting down daily. Although this was somewhat kiboshed this evening when I got a call that would normally make me ecstatic....

I was given CB's possible arrival dates and it's sooner than I had expected! Why am I not more excited??? What's wrong with me? There was no jumping for joy, no rush of happiness, just a mediocre sense of meh.... Anyways there was tons of good news with that call and I'll make sure to make a post deserving of it soon.

Back to what I am doing differently!

I am no longer going to centralize my life around him. I am going to rely on myself, do what is best for myself, and stop getting ahead of myself. So basically, I'm pulling back. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and want him in my life for long term but it's the only way, at the moment, that I can see coming to terms with the new conditions of our relationship once he puts his plan in action. If I am still stuck in a head-over-heals follow-you-to-the-end-of-the-earth mindset with him, I wont put my needs above us and the reality is I'll need to otherwise my school and work will suffer.

And as far as doing as he asked and seeing his plans in a positive way, I think I have accomplished that to some extent as well. I have come up with an idea for him to test out this whole flipping houses thing. Since he will be selling his place, I think it's only smart that the 4 of them work together on making minor improvements on his house so that he can get the most money for his current place and have a larger security net, just in case. They'll get to see how well they work together, he'll hopefully up the value on his place, they'll learn what skills they need to improve on, and they'll also hopefully learn which areas are the best to invest in, in a house.

....I still don't get why the 4 of them wouldn't be approved for a mortgage if they all went in together but that's a rant for another day....

Runaway Weekend Recap

I packed my bags Friday and took off for the weekend and it was exactly what I needed. It's allowed me to put some things in perspective and let me tell you, somethings are going to change! I'll post about those changes very shortly but I am exhausted from this weekend and need to catch up on some sleep and studying.

I'm leaving on a jetplane

I'm taking this weekend for myself! I am packing my bags and just getting away from everything. Deployment, CB, School, myself, stress, and everything and anything else I can temporarily run away from for 48 hours.

Positive My Ass!

My good mood lasted for all of what? A couple of hours? Great!

CB called. I should be excited right? Well I have mixed emotions. I'm super happy to hear from him and we had a good talk but it left a bitter taste in my mouth and a sad mood in my heart.

I blogged a while ago about CB's dreams to flip a house and a few ideas he had planned for his return, you can read about it here. Well I thought the crazy idea of him giving up his place here was gone, boy was I wrong.
I was living in make believe land apparently.
He just informed me that he is putting his house on the market when he gets home. He has 3 partners he is going into business with and since all of them have families and houses he is the only one that can take on a new house under his name, provided he gives up the one he has now.

I was shocked. This is now something else that gets put ahead of me in his list of priorities. I told him coming second to his job was fine, I agreed to that when I said yes to date him. But now I come 3rd to this new project. What this means for us as a couple is...god I don't even know. I wont get to see him on weekends because I'll be at work, I'll be at school during the week, as will he. He will only be a 2 hour drive away which isn't horrible but it just makes everything that more complicated.

If he comes to visit me here, I live with my mom so we get no privacy. If I go to visit him there we'll be staying in the shacks or a property that is being renovated. Can you say romantic?

I straight up told him that if this was his way of leaving me he better just come straight out and say it. He said it wasn't and I believe him. He said he wanted me to be included in this. I basically told him I wasn't thrilled about the idea and to be prepared for me to bitch and moan about it while we go through it. He said it would only be for a couple of years...And I flat out told him not to waste my time. I told him I loved him very much and I saw a future with him, but if he didn't see me there at the end of all this he needs to let me know because it's not fair to me to drag me along if he isn't serious.

I don't mind supporting him and sacrificing my happiness so he can accomplish his dreams, but there is a limit. I can only handle so much. I need to know that there will be a point where I will come first and it wont always be me giving up the things I want for him. I only think its fair that he should be willing to do the same for me, at some point if need be.

I am going to be honest and admit that I am scared shitless of this scenario. I don't know if I will be strong enough to cope with it. I barely get to see him as it is and he is deliberately taking that away from us. I understand the reason behind it, I do, but I can't help it and be selfish to actually want to spend time with him. I know I am not wrong in that aspect. I am so confused right now. I know he is the one I want to be with but I know myself well enough to know this is not a situation I will cope with well. This will eat at me from the inside out and play on all my insecurities .

FML

Usher - My Way

This is what I am currently dancing to around the kitchen as I make breakfast! Thought I'd share

Who doesn't love Usher?

On The Brighter Side

I figured since all I did was bitch in my last post, today I would focus on the silver lining of a few things.
The good news:

• 2 months left in deployment.

There actually may be less than 2 months left, according to CB. He wont give me dates, obviously, but he has hinted my countdown is way off, in a good way. Woohoo!!! I am still trying to keep my countdown in mind because we all know the dates are subject to change at any time, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on my original date I guessed he'd be home.

• Cece might have a new love interest

She may not be home on weekends by the time CB is home!!! He doesn't live here so she'd have to travel to see him. He's a soldier as well, which we both laughed about because she has told me countless times she can't do what I do, in regards to deployment.

• My first day off from school or work in a long time is right around the corner! SUNDAY!!

I use to hate Sunday's because it meant CB was going back to base but this week it means I get to stay in my pjs all damn day if I want to. I do still hate the weekends. I thought 4 months into deployment I'd be over it but a part of me still knows this is when he should be here with me. I think that's why I'm so grumpy at work on the weekends, all the couples make me jealous. I just want to grab the girls and shake them and say "Do you know how lucky you are that you get to waste your Saturday at IKEA with your boyfriend???" But chances are I'd get fired pretty quickly....So instead I just live vicariously through them for the few minutes they are at my cash.

• I got my grades back for last semester, finally, and I am pretty happy with them!! I did better than I thought in my forensic class so thats a plus!!!

Speaking of school, sitting in a class for 420 people is annoying. I know I said I was going to stay positive but  come one, it is me after all. In this particular class laptops and all electronic devices are banned unless you can  prove you require one. Well this girl sitting in front of me last night somehow got a note to say she needed hers to take notes, fine! Except for the girl spent the ENTIRE class on facebook and every other site she could think to google. Do you have any idea how distracting that is?? All I can see in a dark classroom is her computer screen glowing in my face as she's chatting away. Needless to say, I understand why the Prof banned them and I will be making sure not to sit behind her again.

• I love my dog. If I didn't have him to give all my love and affection to during this I would go insane. 

Ugh! Get Out Of My Life!

That's right, it's a post about Cece. If you don't want to hear me rant and bitch leave now! Otherwise get your cup of coffee, settle in, and prepare yourself.

For those of you who don't know she is CB's best friend and is currently living in his house while he is deployed.
And she is also the source of a lot of my frustration.

The last time I saw her I was picking up her fish to babysit, oh about a month ago!!!! Well Mr. Fish is still here... Okay fine so what if I have grown attached to him and don't want to give him back to her neglectful ass, she should still be asking about him! I have spoken to her on a couple of occasions and she doesn't even mention him. She is a horrible fish-mommy. Thank god I talked the two of them out of getting a dog. I can't even imagine how things would be right now if they had gotten a dog together and she was pulling this same shit.

Anyways so the pissing me off all started today when I logged into facebook and instantly got a message from her. I rolled my eyes and checked my emails before I opened it to see CB had messaged me and was trying to get me to come online. I was pissed my blackberry hadn't notified me and told him I was so sorry for missing him. Once that's sent I figured I'd take a look at what Cece had to say. The conversation went a little something like this:
Cece - OMG you just missed CB
Me - I know... I just read my e-mails he sent me. My blackberry some how didn't notify me.
Cece- oh...lol...that sucks
Me- yea.... So, how is he?
Cece- Good.
Me- Good? What did he say? When can he call? What has he been doing?
Cece - Yea he's good. What are you doing?

And that's about the point where I threw my curling iron across the room like a child in full blown tantrum mood. Honestly, what is the point of telling me I just missed talking to him if you aren't going to say anything else????? Thank you for rubbing it in my face you ____!!!

I swear if she isn't harping to me about how hard this is for her, she's constantly reminding me of how they'd share the same bed whenever they were together. Then there is the whole fact that she is still asking CB for money for bills that her parents are paying. That she is using his house as if it was her own, invites whoever she wants over, has parties without asking him, uses his bedroom as a guest room, rearranges his furniture, and has completely covered the back deck in garbage bags that her lazy ass can't be bothered to bring out.... There isn't even set garbage days! She can bring it down to the garbage bin in the back where her car is any day she pleases....

I don't want her in my life. She is not someone I would chose to hang out with on my own. I do not respect or like her. I swear!!! Down the line CB and I get married he is not forcing me to put her in my bridal party, she can be his best man for all I care but I am not going to have a bridesmaid that I want to kick in the face. With my luck she'll tag along to the honeymoon too.

It snowed in my car

I don't feel like writing much lately.... I've been slacking in all areas except school it seems.
I still haven't put CB's Valentines day box together, I've only had the stuff for like a week now.
I haven't heard from him since our "fight".
I cried at work today when I served a soldier, this is becoming pretty common.
I'm having more car issues, mainly the fact that the inside of my car is freezing up and I have to scrape off the ice with random credit cards in my wallet.

This is what the inside of my car looked like after work yesterday! Good times lol

I am exhausted! I am going on my second week straight of no days off. If I'm not at work, I'm at school, and if I'm not at school I'm in my room studying for school. I really need to start playing the lottery.

Alright enough of my boring rant of blah, back to the books!

I Snapped

The other day CB and I were "talking" on facebook and it ended up with me losing it.

Why did I use "talking"? Well because you could hardly call what we were having a conversation. He was clearly talking to like everyone and their mother, which is fine. Once I realized he was distracted I sincerely offered to give up my chance to talk to him so he could focus on talking and catching up with everyone else. Besides I had to get ready for school, so the timing wasn't that great on my end either. He thanked me and left me alone, for a whole 5 minutes.

Blow dryer and round brush in hand, I notice him messaging me again on facebook. He pulls me in by paying attention for the first few minutes and I set down the dryer and brush to talk to him only to be disappointed by his one word answers. I let this go on for way too long till one of his one word responses makes me lose it. I had written something very personal to which he replied "beautiful". At this point I was furious told him I was going to be late for school, which I was,and slammed my laptop shut. Did I mention I'm pmsing??

2 minutes later I can't stop myself  from sending him a nasty email telling him how after the bad week I had I thought maybe he would have been a little more responsive and caring. I told him I knew everyone wanted to talk to him and that's why I was willing to give up talking to him because I wasn't in the mind set to fight for his attention, not on a computer, especially not facebook.

I of course apologized in another email a little later on and now I feel horrible. I really wish I could have kept myself in line more but I'm not perfect and shit happens. I just don't want that to be the last thing he reads for a few days, I really hope he gets to see my "I'm sorry email" soon.

Dear Army

Dear Army,

I want my boyfriend back. Now!

Sincerely,
Elle

Who Cries In Public?

I do! At work!

They day started off great, I got in and we were having technical difficulties so no one could work till 2pm. We sat around talking, having coffee, and just bonding while we waited for them to fix whatever was wrong. After a couple of hours of this they moved us all into the restaurant where they gave us all free lunch and we ate in the dark.Overall a great way to start the day. I ended up getting to know 2 coworkers a little better and bonding with one who has been through deployment as well.

As her and I are sitting in the dark and shes showing me pictures of her man when he was overseas, CB messages me on facebook. Have I mentioned yet how much I love my blackberry??? CB and I got to send a few messages back and forth. It hurt my heart though, I could tell he was having a rough day. He never messages me first unless he is replying to what I sent the night before, he was straight out mushy without me prompting it, and he was asking to call.  Stupid IKEA and your tin roofs, I barely could keep reception and there was nowhere private enough to talk so I had to tell him it wasn't the best time to call... That left me a little upset, who ever wants to turn down a phone call? But I figured that would be easier on both of us than repeated dropped calls and not being able to talk.

Anyways fast forward into my shift, it's now 6pm and I am counting down the minutes till I am free. Don't 2 soldiers get into the line beside mine. It's a slow night so there is no where else to focus my attention on and I can't stop noticing them. I turn to my left and tell one of my coworkers to quickly tell me a joke and make me laugh because I can feel tears building. (He is aware of my situation and ex military) He comes through and I start giggling. I then had to turn around to talk to my customer but instead one of the soldiers is standing directly in front of me. He smiles at me, says something and moves my ladies basket out of their way.

Well that was all it took! I quickly wrapped up with my customer and bolted to the bathroom where I broke down. I was in there for a couple of minutes and realized staying in there alone was only making it worse. I pulled myself together, wiped the mascara off my face, and went back to my register. The same guy who I had asked to tell me a joke stopped me on my way back. He is such a sweetheart, he asked if I was okay enough to be hugged and I said yes. He told me to go take a few more minutes if I needed them and I told him I was fine. He knew I was lying and tried to insist I go back, I refused. Once I got to my cash, I realized why he was insisting I go back to the washroom, the soldiers hadn't left yet. I just turned my back to their direction and sniffled as I called out "I can help the next person over here!". The lady that came to my line looked at me like I was crazy as I sniffled and scanner her items...Not that I blame her.

Fish-napper

I have decided I no longer want to give the beta back... I got use to having him in my room! I'm really actually going to miss him when he's back.

However, I will note a few things

1. He is the dirtiest fish I have ever met! His water is dirty 12 hours after I clean it.
2. He is defective or really shy. I can't get him to "blow up" 
3. He is the most active and observant fish I have ever met! He swims to the corner of the tank closest to my bed when I wake up and look over at him and he swims to the corner closest to my door when I come in. (I realize this is probably all coincidence but I am choosing to ignore that)
4. I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. He continuously tries to commit fish suicide when I clean his tank by attempting to jump out of his temporary bowl.

Yes, I am procrastinating from study.... 

All My Worrying Was Well Waisted

As of today CB reassured me that neither plan A,B, or C are required. We are going with plan D. What is plan D? Apparently it involves CB not coming home on any of the dates I have exams scheduled. So far I must admit I like this plan, BUT I am not throwing out plan A,B, or C just yet. I think I will keep them on the back burner, just in case. Better safe then sorry.

He called today and it was the most wonderful phone conversation. I got to tell him about my horrible experience last night at a country bar, the one where I got all dressed up and excited to go out dancing only to be surrounded by cowboy hats and line dancing..... I may need to dedicate a post entirely to this evening filled of WTF events and  FML moments.

We talked a bit about homecoming and our expectations. He, clearly in "man mood", got extremely excited when I told him I would start cooking for him. I use to let him do it because a) it's his house, b) he never asked and I didn't want to over step, and c) when the food didn't taste good, I got to blame him hehe.

He didn't really understand what I meant by overstepping. I explained to him that because of the way we started out I was scared he would revert back to his old self if it was too much too soon and scare him off. Besides he never asked so I had no idea it's what he wanted. Obviously all men want to be cooked for, and I did on occasion but I also felt it was his territory and I didn't want to just walk right in and take over his kitchen.

His response was cute but hand my mind going into girly-overdrive. Asides from his answers about the cooking and what not he tells me I could never scare him off and if anything he is going to scare me off.
Scare me off how, I ask.
*long silent pause* umm...I..uh... Cause I'm crazy?
But you were crazy before you left, I still love you
Yea well, you'll see....
I make a few jokes about the only way he'll scare me off is if he gets off the bus pregnant, we laugh and he changes the subject to his friend wedding.

I think I have heard/read/seen too many movies,stories, and blogs about proposals after deployment because my mind cant help but keep going there over "hints" that are non existent! I'm turning normal conversational pauses into "hints"! Oy...

Back to what he did say! He did actually tell me that he was impressed with how well I was handling everything, he was pleasantly surprised. I must admit, this pleasantly surprised me! I didn't think I was handling it all that well, at all!!! Hmm, see you do learn something new everyday!

And on that note, it's back to the textbooks.

100 Days

Tomorrow marks the 100th day since I have seen CB in person. 100 days!!!!!
This leaves me with mixed emotions. I am excited because 100 days is a huge accomplishment and means the end is near. I am also sad that it's been just as long since I've gotten to hold him, kiss him, and spend quality time with him. I never thought I would be happy to say "It's been 100 days since I've seen my boyfriend" but I am!
68-ish days to go.

The new issue is..... MIDTERMS!! I've never had classes yet that have double midterms, and so far 2 of my 3 do. Guess when they are scheduled? That's right! When he is roughly due home. My imaginary countdown date is March 18th, and like I've mentioned in earlier posts he's hinted that it will be sooner than that. Well, if you calculate 5.5 months exactly it's March 10th. No big deal right? Who wouldn't want him home a whole 8 days earlier?? It's somewhat of a big deal because that night I have a mid term. I also have one on the 4th. So now my mom and I are praying he comes home somewhere in-between those dates.

I have come up with a few plans as to what I would do if he comes in on either of those dates.

Plan A - Ask my professors if they would be willing to make an exception due to the circumstances and let me right the exam earlier or later. The issues with this is 1) I am only his girlfriend not his wife, so I don't know how willing they would be to make the exception for me, let alone anyone. 2) Them allowing me to do this completely depends on their views and experiences with the military and a bunch of other factors.

Plan B - Fake sick and go get a doctors note so I have a reason to miss the exam. Problems with that are 1) If I ask them to excuse me beforehand they may remember and know I faked sick and not accept my absence. 2) I could spend all day in the doctors office.

Plan C - Give CB my exam schedule and ask him to meet me afterwards. I don't like this plan very much due to 1) I'll have to sit through the exam knowing he's outside waiting and I wont be able to concentrate. 2) I'll end up looking like a blubbering idiot in the middle of campus. 3) I'll miss his actual homecoming! I've been dreaming about that moment of seeing him come off the bus since he left, actually since before he left. I know how much it would mean to him because it would be the first time he actually had someone there to meet him. I would hate to not be there for either of us.

I really don't know what to do... all I do know is that I wont ask my professors until I have a better idea of when he is coming home. I'm open to suggestions and advice! Please help! As for right now I'm just keeping positive about it. The truth is we have no clue when he is due home yet and so while I can start getting prepared there is no need to worry.

Yesterday Was Awesome!

I started my day off bitching and whining that I didn't want to go to school only to log into my school e-mail to find out I didn't have to go! Yay # 1.

I then went on to blog that I wished CB would call and HE DID! Yay #2.
I had caught him on facebook but my chat always screws up with him and constantly shows him offline, then online, then offline, then online, you get the picture, so I asked him to call instead since I had a lot to update him about and I was pleased when he said "Sure, just give me a few minutes." Well, those few minutes dragged into 2 hours. I was scared to get into the shower because I figured as soon as I would put shampoo in my hair the phone would ring. After an hour I realized I couldn't just keep sitting on the couch with my phone in my hands randomly yelling at it "RING!!!!" so I decided to risk getting pulled out of the shower a big soapy mess.

I have to admit it was the most awkward shower I have ever taken. I was so scared I would miss the phone call I left the shower curtain mostly open (yes, I realize this was pointless and really messy), I put my cell phone on max volume, and kept jumping in and out of the shower every time I heard any sort of sound. Needless to say the bathroom floor was a puddle by the time I got out.

Then I was fighting with myself over whether or not I should blow dry my hair because what if I don't hear the phone and miss the call? So I literally blow dried my hair staring at the phone instead of the mirror.... I should have just stuck my finger in an electrical socket, I would've gotten the exact same results in no time.

Anyways, all this to say, the phone call was amazing and exactly what I needed. I also hope I'm not the only crazy person who acts this way when they are expecting a phone call....

Yay # 3 happened at the bookstore, there was no line, they had all my books in stock, and all my books look really interesting, well except for my philosophy one. I almost fell asleep reading the index table.

Yay # 4 took place while on the phone with CB. We were discussing my countdown and he let it slip that they are due back a lot earlier than I am expecting. BUT, but, but I have decided this, while exciting, is not going to change a thing. I am going to continue to countdown to my predetermined date until I know exactly what time I am picking him up at and it's about 12 hours away.

I Don't Want To Go!!!! & Update

I don't know why I am fighting going to school so much this semester, but I am!

I was talking to my mom last night and the sentence "I want to take this semester off" word vomited out of my mouth before I knew what happened. I don't know why I would feel that way. I love school and do well, so why am I so anti winter semester?

I know that going will help pass the time of this deployment. It will keep me busy, it will give me goals to accomplish, introduce me to new people, and of course teach me new things. Why would I not want to do this? I can only guess at the reasons why.

My theories are :

A) It's winter. Winter sucks, theres hardly ever blue skies which keep me down, it's always cold, and just generally makes me want to hibernate. Stupid Canadian winters....But that doesn't make sense because I didn't mind going last winter at 6am, standing at the buss stop, freezing my ass off. I barely missed a class last year.

B) This semester will potentially overlap with CB and I's planned vacation. We were planning on going once my semester wrapped up but it looks like by the time I'll be done my exams there will only be a small window in which we'll have time to go, so in other words it doesn't look like it's going to happen. But so what??? We know we'll just go int he summer instead.

C) I don't know!

The truth is, C, I don't know. I probably wont figure it out any time soon since it's probably a combination of things. I am hoping that once I get there it will all change. Let's hope I'm just being overly dramatic, which is very possible.

I want CB to call today, I could use his rational mind right about now.

*Update

No sooner then I post this do I go check my school e-mail to find.........

CLASS IS CANCELED!!!
The prof is too sick to make it today.
Hmm.... now what to do with my free day???

It's official, I'm a snoop!

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I went by CB's place today to collect the mail and check on the place today while Cece is away and I realized something about myself. I am a snoop! Not in a bad way.
Let me explain!!
I walked in the front door to find 2 pairs of guy shoes hidden under an absurd amount of news papers that haven't been read, just dumped on the floor, never even brought to the trash.  So what did I do with these shoes? I picked them up an examined what size they were! Too small to be either CB's or Cece's (yes she has large feet). Who's shoes are they? Where did they come from? I will probably never know....

So what other snooping did I do? I, with permission from CB, opened the bills! That's right, I checked up on her and guess what I found? She is NOT struggling. All the bills are up-to-date. Okay fine, she *may* be struggling but CB's bills that she's paying do not reflect it. I wont even bitch about her and the bills right now. All I will say is that without my pushing or wording my opinion of how I think things should be handled, CB came to his senses on his own. He realized how easy he is letting her have it and that if she can't pay the bills then she needs to go get a job, not come to him to bail her out.  I really hope she will so I can learn to respect her a little more in that aspect.

And the third thing I found out, she is still letting people sleep in CB's room like this is her place, and her rooms to offer up to strangers. ARG!!!!! I don't want strangers in my boyfriends bed, nor does he!!! Is that so hard to understand?????

Moving on! Because I think we all know I could go on and on about her.

I made my little tour around the house, which does not have the same vibe, got a little sad but also excited when I made my way to his room. I sat on the carpet in front of the bed, leaning up against the closet and just took some time to myself to think. I thought of all our heart-to-heart conversations we have had in the middle of the night, in the pitch dark, while we have our legs, arms and bodies all mixed up with one another cuddling. I thought of the times I tip toed out of bed to go pee in the middle of the night only to be scared to death when jumps up in bed and looks right at me and falls back asleep. That use to scare the crap out of me now I just laugh, I wonder how I'll feel about it when he's back home... Anyways I basically took the time to sit there and remember all of my favorite things that involve us that revolve around this one room.  I was astonished at just how important this one room is to our relationship.
I fell in love with him in this room, and not for the obvious reasons that are implied with a bedroom....although it didn't hurt.
I fell in love with him while folding his work clothes in the middle of his bed. It was one of those Sunday nights, getting him ready to go back to base that it hit me, I love this man!!!

Onto a quick side note
Did you know old men gossip as much as women? CB's neighbor stopped me on the way out of his place and gave me the full update on all the block gossip I've been missing. He is the sweetest man you could have for a neighbor. I'll save his gossip for another post, after I get the chance to tell CB first.

Shop Till You Drop

I went a little crazy today.... I haven't shopped like this in years! My hands were literally hurting from how heavy my bags were. All of this made me realize something, I love shopping and clearly need to go more often. I'm probably costing myself more money this way too, because now I have tons of things I need to replace instead of just replacing them as needed.
Basically what I learned today is buying in bulk is bad! I did not look at one single price tag, did not try anything on, and could not have told you how much I spent after leaving each store.
On the other hand, I also learned, shopping makes me really happy!!!!!  I completely understand how people develop into shopaholics. I get it! It completely erases my mind, it's just me, the clothes, the friends your with, the sometimes snotty sales girl who was clearly pmsing and had no taste, and that's it. There is no "my boyfriend is overseas thoughts" when you are surrounded by pretty sweaters and hot jeans... Well that is until you walk into the lingerie store. I picked up his first home coming outfit! I couldn't resist, it was green camo and pink bows!

Onto some other news.... School starts TOMORROW!!! When the hell did this happen? It seems way to soon. I'm not ready to go back. I need another week, or two.
Don't get me wrong I love school, I hate change.
So this means there are 3 new buildings I have to find, 3 new professors I have to get use to, a whole new routine to put into place.
My biggest fear with the start of a new semester is ending up in the wrong class on your first day! This is a very legitimate fear of mine since it's happened a few times. The worst was when I was to flustered with almost being late to class, as I ran in, I failed to notice the name of the class on the board. I made such a scene getting in the class I was to embarrassed to walk out when I realized I was in the wrong one.

The upside of the winter semester starting tomorrow is that by the time I am studying for finals CB will be HOME!!!! Oh yea!!!

Silence And Words Are Equally As Painful

Not speaking to him hurts, being snapped at by him hurts just as much.

I have been longing to hear from him since it had been about a week and was pleasantly surprised this morning when I saw my all time favorite "Private Name, Private Number" on my caller ID. That was quickly squashed.... He decided to quit smoking, which I am very proud of him for but it also leaves me with an extremely edgy and grumpy boyfriend. I, not having gone through the same length of withdrawal from nicotine, did not realize how much this would affect his personality so I asked if everything was okay since he seemed a little off. BAD IDEA!!! He snapped at me and that pretty much ended our conversation, we couldn't get off the phone fast enough after that.

Don't get me wrong, I get that he is moody and all that, I do not take what he said to heart. I just can't help that it hurt me, those phone calls mean the world to me. I'm over it now, kinda. It's the first time we've bumped heads  like that since he's been away. I know it's part of any normal relationship and I keep reminding myself of this, I just wish we could have ended on a happier note.

Onto happier news! Tomorrow I am planning on going on a shopping spree! I have decided to spend the 500$ I won on scratch ticket over the holidays on new clothes! I can't wait!

Today Was a Great Day! *Edited*

Nothing special happened. I got no phone call, e-mail, or facebook chat with CB but non the less I smiled all day while thinking of him. I thought of a few things we could do together when he is home for his summer vacation as appose to his leave after deployment since, well there's really only one main thing we have planned for then....

One of my ideas was to get him to sign up at a kick boxing gym with me. He signed up for one last year on his summer leave but wasn't motivated to go and I've been dying to join one but haven't been able to afford it. I figure since this summer I'll be done paying off my car I'll have a little more spending money so we could motivate each other and go. I realize he wont be in no beginner class like I will be but it could be a great easy warm up for him, right? lol

I wish I could start going before he gets back and surprise him with how in shape I am but I can't afford it time or money wise. I'm thinking of just getting the wii fit in the mean time and seeing how I do on that.

Tomorrow marks day 95 of this deployment, I can't believe how many days it's been already.
I miss everything about him!

*Edit - I've been having a single glass of CB and I's favorite wine at night for the last 3 nights, I think this may have something to do with my cheery mood over the last few days.
- No this is not the wine speaking, I just poured the glass

MIA

I know, I've been almost non existent with my blogging lately but I just haven't had anything new to say.

I'm still struggling with being in the middle of deployment. I feel like time has been standing still, mocking me. Well you know what Mr. Time? I have some news for you! Today is the first day of the new year. This is a major milestone to me. As of  midnight last night I have proof that time is moving forward, we are now in the year 2011, the year CB will come home! No matter how slow you decide to move, Mr. Time, you can not take this away from me! So HA to you Mr. Time.

Speaking of the new year, I had plans to ring it in alone at home with my doggie but ended up spending it with friends of the family which was nice. It was pretty tame but I was glad to have the company. I came home at about 1 am, opened a bottle of CB and I's favorite wine and enjoyed a glass for the both of us. It was the only way I could think of to keep him with me and I enjoyed it.

The hardest part of last night was driving to my friends house. I have to pass CB's place on my way to their house and as I approached the stop sign to turn onto CB's street , you can see his place from there, all these emotions hit me at once. I felt like I should be turning onto his street, it felt wrong driving past his house.This really caught me off guard because CB and I do not have a new years eve routine, we haven't spent new years ever together yet. I started telling myself this and yet the tears still came as I passed his place.

I had sent CB an e-mail earlier that day knowing I wouldn't be around when it hit midnight where he is. I wished him a happy new year and told him to make sure him and the boys keep each other busy so the night is a little easier on them all. I can't even imagine what they go through emotionally being separated from their loved ones. CB doesn't open up very much about stuff like that since he's been gone. Sure he tells me he misses me and loves me but thats as deep as he goes into it and I don't push for more. In my mind I feel like if I ask to much about it, it will only make it harder and I also tell myself he is in "work mode" so I can't expect him to be the big suck he usually is when he's home. I will admit that it is making it harder to stay emotionally connected to him but I know that it's just temporary.

I do know that I can not picture my life without this wonderful man in it. I will do and endure whatever it takes to make this relationship work. He is the love of my life.

My new years resolution, not that I usually make or keep them, is to blog more. I forgot how lighter this makes me feel after I have written out a post.

Happy New Years to everyone!! May you all have a wonderful and blessed year.