Little Liar

There is a promotion up for grabs in my department at work, there are a ton of us applying. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

I've never had to send the company and bosses I already work for my resume AGAIN. It just seems weird to be all extra formal with people I was just joking around with the other day but oh well lol.

So this weekend is going to be a nice change for me, CB and I are staying at my place!!! I finally get to have all the clothes, hair stuff, and make up I want, when I want, where I want!!!! He gets to be the one living out of a bag for the weekend, not that that is anything new for him lol. Anyways I'm thrilled.

I could have killed CB today though.... He told me he was quitting smoking so to support him I told him I would the day after him. So today I did not smoke AT ALL. I spent the whole day at work suffering but made it through successfully. UNTIL he called me after dinner. I told him how well I was doing and asked how he was doing and he nonchalantly responded fine. Suddenly it hit me, in the last 48 hours he hadn't said he was struggling once  and wasn't even the slight bit moody like the last time he tried to quit....so I asked him if he had been dipping, which is when he broke out into laughter. I started laughing and cursing him instantly. He never quit, he spent 2 hours nicotine free, thats it! He had been dipping since he left Monday. That ass! Anyways we were both laughing so hard I had mascara running down my face. Good times, I lite a cigarette right away. FML

Sir Talksalot, my boyfriend's new boyfriend

Out with Cece and in with Sir Talksalot!
Sir Talksalot is CB's tour buddy I mentioned earlier, they've been together for 2 tours now and are really close. Overall he is a great guy and means well but I still have some major concerns about him.

First off he spent like almost his entire leave with us.... Not a fan. CB and I were really restricted.
Before I completely start bitching about him I should clarify that I do understand he didn't want to spend him time alone on base, especially since him and his common law wife split up on tour and she's seeing another soldier. BUT I should also add he isn't completely innocent as he was "courting" a female soldier while they were away and has another girl out here where I am. Needless to say he is a mess, I understand him not wanting to be alone, but I hate that he uses CB's place as room by the hour.

He hangs out all day waiting for her to come over after work, so we are left entertaining him or not entertaining ourselves..., then she shows up super late... we all fake small talk for a little till it's time for bed and then go our separate ways. By the time we are up in the morning she is long gone and we again are stuck with Sir Talksalot while he sits around and wastes time to see if she will be able to come over again that night or not.

The upside to Sir Talksalot is that he keeps CB company while I'm at work, the downside...he doesn't SHUT UP! CB loves it because he isn't a talker, I hate it because he talks in circles and changes his mind every 4 seconds. He will talk real estate all day if you let him and if you don't then he switches to the "poor me, I love my wife but I like my new playmate too". He's literally telling me how he wants to fly the common law wife to Hawaii to purpose and as soon as he finishes that sentence he starts telling me how amazing and how much he likes the new girl. And the whole time all I can think is "hmmm, I wonder how much damage a plastic fork would do if I stuck it in my own eye to get out of this converstation? Fuck, he'd probably just tag along in the ambulance."

The reason I'm annoyed about him at the moment is I just got off the phone with CB and it turns out the 2 men have decided they are both coming down together to stay at CB's for the whole weekend and all 4 of us will watch the fight this weekend together like a nice big double date. Yay...?? I told CB to please only have him come in on Sunday as I would like to spend at least SOME time alone with him.

My other issue with this whole thing is, there is a new tenant moving in on Sunday. CB and Sir Talksalot need to realize that 1) he wont have the spare room to pimp out anymore, 2) the new tenant is not going to enjoy waking up and seeing another couple on the sofa every weekend, and finally 3) I'm not crazy about Sir Talksalot! 

If I were the new tenant and I was told the living arrangements were suppose to be one way and all of a sudden you spring another couple on me, I'd bolt! And she can, she's only signing a month to month lease. I feel bad because I realize this will make it harder for Sir Talksalot and the girl but CB and I have enough things to worry about before I can start worrying about someone else's booty call.

The upside of the boys new found relationship is Sir Talksalot is teach CB a lot about repairs as they are both doing projects around Sir Talksalot's place. CB will be handy in no time lol.

What a sad sad day....

Cece is MOVING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I need to explain how excited I am! But my word was it hard to hide my excitement every time I saw a set of bags waiting to be carried out.

In true Cece nature the whole moving out process has been dragged out over a span of like 2 weeks. What would normally take a person 1 day to move some how has taken her 2 weeks. Whatever, she's still gone and I am as happy as could be. Unfortunately though she really is a piece of work and managed to piss CB off one last time before she left. As I've bitched about before, the girl doesn't pay for anything. CB simply asked her for 150$ to cover the last few bills, which is more than fair seeing as how really she owes WAY more than that. What did the lovely Cece respond? "Well it's not like you need my money, you make way more than enough....you can afford the bills." Okay so it's not a direct quote but that was the just of her response. WTF?
What difference does it make how much he makes? Did you not live here for 8 months? Did you not run up the rogers bill and not pay it? Did you not benefit in a million other ways from his kindness and get him to pay for things he didn't need to?
UGH so happy she is gone.

Well she pulled one last stunt that I have to blog about because it's simply hilarious. I guess she was the last one to buy toilet paper, CB and I didn't notice. We came home one night from stuffing our faces at a friend of the family and poor CB has to run to the washroom....To find no toilet paper.... ANYWHERE! She literally left like 4 squares in the entire house.

Well that's more than enough about her.

As for the rest of what's been going on....
I wrote my finals, waiting for the results. No summer school.... I'm already lost.
There is a new girl moving into the spare bedroom, we found her online and funny enough she knows one of the girls I work with very well so that's comforting. I'll post more about her later because the whole "interview a roommate from Kijiji" was something special lol.
I'm still waiting to be promoted at work but it looks like it's in the works.
CB is back at work and I am back at my moms house. Spent my first night alone last night, have I mentioned that I love my bed?
CB's tour buddy spent like the entire leave with us....I definitely have some bitching to do about him.
CB and I went to look at houses for fun, there was talk about our future.
Wow I really have a lot to write about....

Time flies

I know.... I suck at this lately! I realize I keep saying that and not changing but really there hasn't been much to blog about. Life has been simple and sweet and kinda boring.

CB has been home for just over a month at this point, he is going crazy with nothing to do in his days while I am at work. It's getting harder and harder to come up with things for him to do to keep him occupied, he's beaten countless video games.

His best time filler has been buying a second property, which he is currently at the bank signing the mortgage for. He has decided to become a real estate tycoon lol and has purchased his first rental property. I must say I'm pretty proud of him.

We sat with a financial advisor the other week, for 5 HOURS!!!!  I couldn't even see straight afterwards. She was really helpful. It's cute though because now CB is all worried about my debt and what not.

"Well honey, you know, one day your debt is going to become our debt, we really should get a head start on paying it down." Too cute, that's a HUGE step for CB. So he has offered to lend me 600$ to pay off my best buy credit card and I'd pay him back monthly instead.

Our anniversary is just a couple months away and I have no clue what to get him so I am coming to you ladies for ideas. What did you get your men for your last anniversary or their birthday??

Bad Blogger

I haven't blogged in forever....It's been really hard trying to find a balance between CB, school, work, and well everything else. I can't say blogging has been a priority of mine lately! There is way too much time lost to catch up with CB that blogging has just lost it's importance to me.

When he first came home it was weird and took us about a week and a half to adjust to being back together but once he took me out on a date just the two of us things fell back right to where they were before he left. I think we are better now than we were before. We are openly talking about our future together and the things we'd like. He even offered me a key to the house but I declined. I really have no need for one since I'm only here when he is. What I do need though, is some closet space lol!!! Living out of a bag SUCKS! You can never pack enough clothes, hair stuff, and shoes into one small lulu lemon bag!!! I swear I would need a suitcase lol.

CB has given up the idea of moving back to base to live in the shacks and I am incredibly happy about that. He has discovered some real estate some where else in Canada that looks rather promising so I am very happy about that as it means he will be staying in the house here and continuing to come home on weekends. YAY :)

For once I don't really have anything to whine about.... Well I do but it's only a possibility and I'll save that for when it becomes more of a reality, if it ever does.

Oh and on a side note, CB's neighbors are having a full out war! The cops are here all the time. There is dog poop and city pillions being left on door steps, knocking on walls at all hours of the night, cameras being put up to watch each other, and it is finally ending in an eviction this friday. The worst part is, the one doing all the tormenting is a 35 year old father of a 3 month old baby. And who is he tormenting? A retired married couple who are so sweet and friendly. I don't get it. We had to give a statement last night and the cops hit the man with a 400$ fine. They warned us that he may get more annoying afterwards and up until his eviction on friday. They weren't kidding, after he got the fine last night the banging on the walls intensified.
What I don't get is how his baby sleeps through all this noise he is making?? You never hear her cry....

He's Home!

Don't have much time for a long update, he's losing pretty bad on ps3 online and I'm sure that means we'll be leaving the house soon for errands.
The homecoming went well. Cece annoyed me slightly....she didn't understand that I was nervous and scared and said I was stressing her out. His little brother made it in and CB was really surprised so I am happy about that.I didn't cry as much as I thought I would when I first hugged him, it hit me later that night.
We are doing well but there are moments where its strange. Just a quick example, we went to Tim Hortons, I ordered the coffees, he went to pee, without even thinking I walked outside and started heading to the car totally forgetting he was with me.
I was right....I'm being dragged to go start todays errands.
MY BOYFRIEND IS HOME!!!

...Can't bring myself to get out of bed...

What the hell is wrong with me? I am so blah and down that I have barely gotten out of bed today. I'm skipping class, I feel exhausted, my body hurts all over, and I am just down.
CB is due home shortly and I feel nothing....
I didn't change the number on either of my countdowns, haven't done the happy dance, and haven't even shouted "my boyfriend is coming home" today.

I think all the anxiety and stress has taken a final toll on me today and wiped me out. I still am worrying about a million different things.
Cece is insistent that I sleep over the night before, she doesn't seem to understand that sleeping in your boyfriends empty bed in a house that some bitch took over isn't appealing.
She is also insisting that we go out that night.
Then my mother put a whole other set of worries in my head. My mom and I were reading over the integration package I was sent, since I couldn't make the meetings, when we realized I should have asked for one in french for Cece. She is so caught up in herself and so far removed from the situation that I'm scared she will not think before she opens her mouth.
AND SHE WONT RETURN MY PHONE CALLS!!
How else am I suppose to figure out what time she wants me over at to get his place ready if she wont return my calls. It's been a few days now, and nothing. I even left her a message on facebook to say call me when you have a second, still nothing.  Hmm...maybe this will work out to my advantage. If she doesn't call me back I don't have to take her with me!!!

Would You?

Take a job that involves shift work within the hours of 4am to 2am for only a 50 cent raise?
I am due to call back the airline for my preliminary interview this morning but for some reason I can't convince myself I want to do this. It's a great opportunity, it's a more "grown up" job like I wanted but the possible hours? EWWW.
Yes, there would be travel benefits but 50cents extra an hour and a discount on traveling.... isn't really going to get me anywhere... I couldn't justify paying for a vacation with all the debt I have.
I know what this is, in reality I'm scared. I am comfortable at Ikea and the possibility of getting prompted there should be more than enough to keep me satisfied there.
I am still going to force myself to do the phone interview today, who knows. Right?
What would you do?
I don't want to waste the ladies time

Jobs, Jobs, and more Jobs

So since I don't see being a cashier at Ikea as a real "grown up" job appropriate for a 24 year old I have been passively sending out my resume online. I really didn't think much would come from it, most of the jobs I applied for I really didn't think I was fully qualified for.

Well yesterday at work my manager took me aside and asked me if I planned on staying with Ikea for a while, I politely told her yes and said it worked well with school. She basically told me that she had me in mind for a promotion but the position wasn't available just yet and she would keep me posted. I would still have to go through an interview and compete with whoever else applies but I'm sure I would do just fine.

Then today I got a phone call from an airline to be a customer service representative. She wanted to interview me right on the spot, I wasn't prepared and was rather caught of guard so  I asked if tomorrow would be alright and she readily agreed. I was not expecting to hear from them, especially not this quickly. I applied out of boredom.... Not that I wouldn't want the job.

Well I figure it doesn't hurt to do the preliminary interview and get a few questions answered, like pay and hours. I wonder if this would fit well with school... 

FML she is clueless!!

So I just had a lovely facebook chat with the lovely Cece.....Can you guess who wants to pull their own hair out? That's right! ME!!!!!!

The conversation starts off with her grilling me for every little detail about the homecoming time, date, place etc...
I replied with just the basics. I don't need her inviting everyone(their friends) and her mother from back home to greet him, because I think we all know at this point she would. If you aren't convinced of that fact just yet WAIT.

So after dodging her questions about that, I asked her if we were still on for the night before his arrival. We have plans to clean the whole place before he gets home. My main focus is getting the random stranger germs out of his bed. God knows how many people she let sleep in there, let alone who. That part of our conversation turned into her asking me to sleep over..... Awkward.....
Maybe she thinks I'll leave with out her on the day off? LOL I wouldn't do that....tempting but I couldn't. Anyways I tried to politely decline and she wouldn't have it. She doesn't seem to understand that sleeping in my boyfriends empty bed does not excite me. Apparently I should be too excited to care that his side is still empty among many other things.
Oh well, it was a nice gesture I guess....

Well this is the BEST part of our entire conversation.
"So what are we going to do for dinner that night? Are we going to go out and party?"
She's talking about homecoming night.....
WTF.....Hello??? Do you have a brain?
First of all planning dinner seems pointless. We have no idea how long we could end up waiting for him, we have no idea if he'll have already eaten, he could be exhausted from traveling, and lets not forget the whole jet lag thing, he's internal clock is going to be far ahead of ours. I figured fast food or a restaurant was going to be my solution to dinner.
Second of all WE??? She has no intention of leaving, obviously. This means when CB hints to her to kindly get the F out, she'll have made no plans to go anywhere...
Third WE????? Seriously??? WE???? We are not a manage a trois.

I have to sit back and think... would I be this stupid if I were her? Would I not know any better? All signs point to no. I get that they have been best friends since forever, honestly I do. I want them to have their time together, but she already ruined my last night with him....can't she at least let me have the homecoming I want?

I hate the news! But I love my boyfriend

Why do I hate the news? because it is full of BAD news!
I got into work today only to be informed by a coworker, who is a reenlisting  army guy that covers for me when i ball at work cause a soldier came in, that there was a very bad article published last week. Basically there is a  chance CB will be redeployed.
I hate that I can't say more but that article hit really close to home, I recognized a few too many things said in it. My biggest fear is that 1) he wont even make it home or 2) he'll have to go.

I get it, this is what he does, this is what's to be expected. But WHY couldn't I just continue on blissfully unaware of this article? Why did I have to have a mini panic attack at work? Why do I have to concern myself with this now, when he is so close to being home????

Anyways the rational side of me is saying it's just an article, I've gotten no news that there are any changes in homecoming so the article can kiss my ass. It's just words on a paper, and until it's words from CB's mouth its just an unnecessary stress.

Now for the good news, that did not come from the TV or paper, but CB's mouth.
He has the same concerns I do about Cece! He's all down for her coming to pick him up with me so that when he asks her to leave for the night, it's not rude. Muahahaha
He thought she would be on spring break and heading back home.  Oh no no no, that would be TOO easy. When I explained that he was arriving once her spring break was finished, he cursed.
"Well, have you spoken to her? Does she have plans for that night? Is she staying out?"
I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND
Why? because when I said probably not, he replied he would take care of it and ask her to leave for the night.
Hopefully it doesn't come to that and I am giving her less credit than she deserves. Hopefully she'll understand and take a hike all on her own. But my life doesn't work out that way, nothing is ever simple or easy. With my luck she'll try and crawl into bed with us to spoon because she had a nightmare or just missed him too much.

I told him if she didn't leave for a few hours I was going to make sure she wished she had. I will prance around that house in my sexiest lingerie, scream and moan until even the neighbors have had enough, rinse, lather and repeat. I also warned him not to tell me to be "polite" with the noise level if she does hang around, polite and 6 months of pent up sexual frustration.....just not going to happen, I don't think I need to explain that to any of you ladies.

BTW I am officially addicted to Army Wives and can't wait to watch Homecomings online since I missed it. I heard it was pretty emotional. I can't wait to see it.... I think.

One Thing I Am Not Going To Miss

Out of the very many things I am going to be glad to be done with in regards to deployment, a major one is worrying about timing.

There are certain hours and times I know CB is either likely to call or be on facebook. Around those times I feel paralyzed. I am too scared to move away from the computer or my cellphone for any reason. Showering becomes a sport where speed counts as well as the aftermath of avoiding the puddles you create jumping in and out because you thought you heard your phone. And as far as blow drying my hair? You can just forget it. It takes twice as long (just over an hour) and is just pointless, it still comes out only looking mediocre.

Today is one of the very last few days I will be stuck in this routine of "waiting". YAY

It is sinking in, slowly, that he is almost home. There are times when I am excited as hell and then there are days where I am scared out of my mind. I know it's normal and unwarranted, he's told me so, but it doesn't calm my nerves.

There are so many "what ifs?" in my head I am driving myself crazy.

It takes 3 to tango

What did I do??? Everything was going perfectly and then I got involved.
CB had asked that I be the only one to pick him up, agreed to tell Cece she shouldn't come, and everything was settled... I was worried, obviously but he was taking care of it and I didn't let on just how worried I was about her reaction to him telling her to stay home.

If you all remember, before he could get around to telling her she "cornered" me on facebook for details about his arrival dates. This is where it gets a little tricky. I had already told CB's brother the date, the two of us had conspired together to surprise CB by having his little brother waiting for him at home, or to show up within the next few days. Because I had already told him the date, lets call him Steve, and Steve and Cece do talk from time to time, panic set in. I realized I couldn't lie to her, just in case, and so I told Cece the arrival date.

Well after I had the nightmare and posted about it on here, I spoke to CB maybe an hour later. I ended up telling him my concerns of how she would react and so on. I made sure to express to him that all I wanted for his homecoming was it to be exactly what he wanted. He then asked if I really thought she would be upset if he "uninvited" her and I told him I don't know, he knows her the best. After a bit of back and forth he decided he was really indifferent on the matter and to just let her come, he also rationalized that I'd probably need the help finding the place. So we left it at that.

Fast-forward to a couple of hours later.....

There I am sitting around thinking of just how awkward it's going to be, just the 3 of us.
-She's going to have to watch us make out
-She may run to him first
-The car ride home is awkward no matter who drives, and this is where I get childish....Brace yourselves

If I drive...the issue is my car. It's a small 2 door and my backseats barely fit me. I'm 5'2 and 110, she's 6' and considerably bigger, he's 6' and also a lot bigger. How they're going to arrange the seats for everyone to fit, I have no clue. But this is my optimal plan.

If she drives....I get stuck in the backseat, alone. I warned you I was going to get childish. Which means they will be in the front, speaking french and I wont understand everything. Which results in me feeling left out.

So what did I do? I am probably driving CB crazy is what. I fired him off a little e-mail to again explain I wanted his homecoming to be just the way he wants it but that I also would like to be selfish and have him to myself. I explained that after thinking about it, a 3some would be a little awkward.

My mom is cute, she offered to come with us if Cece is coming, and force her to drive back in her car. I told her if it came down to that, and Cece was that oblivious, I would just ride home with my mom and let her have her way. I'd make her pay for it later once the 3 of us were home.

I swear on my blog, if that woman does not give us any privacy or space I will make it so damn uncomfortable for her that she will be running to the library or back home to her parents for some peace and quiet!!!

Seriously, that is my other big worry. Sex. Do you really think either of us are going to want to sit around and make pleasant talk the second we get home? What is she going to do? Sit downstairs and wait for us to finish? If she does, does that mean I have to be polite and keep the noise level down?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Why can't she just realize how awkward this is all going to be? Why can't she offer to make herself scare? That's half the reason I wanted Steve to come down. If I know Cece isn't planning on going anywhere at least her and Steve can venture out together or keep each other company while I steal CB for some much needed alone time.

It's "Official"

I just got the phone call. I now know the date, time, and place...for now.
It changed from the last time I got an update about homecoming but not too drastically.
Let the celebration commence!

To be honest though, today I am more annoyed than excited. I just want to stop looking at the calender, counting days, crossing off days, all of it. I'm tired of it. Can I please just fast forward through the remaining time and resume normal speed when his feet his Canadian soil? Thank you, that would be greatly appreciated.

Bad Things Happen When...

I am confined to my bed for a long period of time. I went a little overboard shoe shopping.....

Thank you Aldo for supporting my shoe addiction.

I could have easily ordered another 3 pairs...

As far as my lack of blogging...not much has been happening. I'm just sitting around waiting, watching my countdown get smaller and smaller. I am getting extremely impatient, as is CB. 

Can't Kick It

I have been bed ridden for days and have started to develop cabin fever. I would welcome the cabin fever with open arms if there were signs I was getting better, but that is not the case. I feel like I am getting worse, considerably so that I am even contemplating going to the doctors this afternoon. That's huge for me seeing as how I hate doctors!!

All I want is CB, his sofa, a ton of movies, and a huge pot of chicken noodle soup. Oh and something to make the room stop spinning. What a way to spend my "spring break" lol.

I had a tough convo with Cece today. CB hasn't told her she isn't coming to the airport yet...She started asking me all kinds of questions about picking him up and what not... I didn't know what to say. It's not my place. I just went along with it... Is that wrong? Should I just tell him to let her be there? I rather have the one on one time but I think it's cruel to all of a sudden say "sorry, we've been planning this for 6 months but you are now un-invited."
The hardest part is if/when he tells her she can't be there...I stupidly made plans to go over the night before to help her clean up his place. I saw it as my only opportunity to get his winter jacket. UGH
Nothing is ever simple. I think I might just push him to let her be there. I think that scenario will cause less headaches in the long run. It may not be what he wants, because of the awkwardness, and it isn't what I want either, I'm being selfish, but then there wont be any moodiness from her about it afterwards.
What would you ladies do?

Sick As A Dog

I woke up this morning to find myself with no voice. Try calling out sick to work when you can barely make a squeak, needless to say my boss had a good laugh when he figured out it wasn't a prank call.

As far as yesterdays post, I ended up sending him an e-mail to try and figure out what to say to help. I told him that I often forget how hard this must all be for him and I'm sorry if I'm not always receptive to when he is getting down. I told him I understood that he can not tell me a lot of what is going on and that he also chooses not to tell me a lot of it as well and that I hoped when he was home, in due time, he would let me in a little more. I reminded him of how shortly he would be home and what was waiting for him. I also joked, to lighten the mood...he can't take too  much mushy stuff at once..., that he better not be too hungover when he gets off that plane because he is going to need his balance when I jump up to hug and kiss him.

I was pleasantly surprised by his answer this morning. Apparently my message had some of its desired effect.

Now to drag my butt to the pharmacy for tons and tons of halls and other soar throat things....
I just want to be able to smoke a cigarette....how wrong is that? lol

Cutest Dog Ever

What Do You Do When....

He has said he has had enough? He indicates he is miserable? That his week of decompression can't come fast enough?

It breaks my heart to hear how down and fed up he is. Sometimes I forget that he is going through one hell of an emotional roller coaster too. I just want to reach through the phone and hug him... yet all I can do is say what seems like cliche things in hopes that they will help.

He was in such a great mood the other day, we were laughing so hard we were crying. Today he was so tired he could barely listen let alone respond. He told me how broken down his body feels and I can tell his morale is too. UGH

I am Turning Into A Worry Wart....

I am thrilled with how soon CB is coming home. I am also happy that he only wants me to pick him up BUT, yes there always seems to be a but, a few bumps are developing with this plan.

Problem # 1 - The House Key
He can't find his keys, he thinks he left them in his room at base. I do not have keys, which he poked fun of me for when he reminded me of this.  His keys are 2 hours away from where I'll be picking him up.

Usually this wouldn't be a problem considering his best friend is his roommate right? Wrong! Have you met his best friend?

Problem # 2 - Cece and the uninviting
She has been counting on coming with me to come pick him up since day 1. That has been the plan since day 1. CB fully wanted her to be there at the start. While I'm unsure of what is going on in their relationship at the moment, I do know he doesn't want her there. This all changed within a matter of 2 weeks. One week he's telling me to tell her the potential homecoming dates and the next "I don't want her there, it'll be awkward". Hmmm. Well I am leaving it up to him to ask her to have a key made and to tell her she isn't coming. Her and I have enough issues between us. I do NOT need her thinking I decided that she shouldn't be there. She needs to hear that from him.

Problem # 3- The Aftershocks of Cece
Now I could be totally wrong, but I don't think I am. She was horrible before he left when him and I were spending all our time together and not really including her but not excluding her either, we were just doing our normal routine. She ended up getting into a funk and being passive aggressive and actually flat out rude and anti-social at the worst part of her "funk". I'm worried about how she will be this time, knowing he doesn't want her there to pick him up and all the fun stuff.

In reality, these are things I shouldn't have to worry about. I wish I could just focus on me and him, but I can't...from time to time she slips into my head and I'm stuck thinking "what if". He usually just ignores her mood swings but I can't. I feel bad for her and I don't want her to feel upset, I feel like it's my fault...but on the other hand... I am not willing to give up my relationship for her feelings. Meh

I would so not do well in a polygamist relationship.
I don't want to share him, she doesn't want to share him, he's too relaxed to notice any of this.
Oh well.

Well it's reading week at school... I guess I should go do some school reading huh?

Why I didn't get a Valentines Day Present

....He is a dead man lol.
He just told me that while all his friends were sending out Victoria Secret, flowers, and champagne he was reasoning that I didn't need a gift because I was a tough cookie....lol, besides, he says, your birthday isn't until August.

We just had the best phone call, we pissed ourselves laughing the entire time. He, however, is still a dead man walking for his reasoning behind my lack of v-day gift! There better be something shiny in his bags when he gets home OR ELSE!!!

I'm totally kidding.

The best news is he only wants me to pick him up. WOOHOO! Now I have a reason not to invite Cece, who I was scared would mess it all up anyways.

For The First Time

this song came on my playlist on the bus ride home last night. I just so happened to be picturing CB's homecoming and I ended up tearing up on the bus, AGAIN! I seriously need to learn that there is no crying on the bus! Even if they are happy tears.

I was caught up in thinking of things like if I would need my glasses to recognize him? Would he be carrying his bags? How quickly would he drop them if he was? Would I be able to easily spot the other military families waiting? How much pacing back and forth will I do? How the hell am I ever going to let go once I get my arms around him?

I feel like I am walking around with the most amazing secret inside me. Yes, I am anxious and getting very antsy BUT I am also extremely happy to be feeling this way.

I figure I wont need my glasses to pick him out of a crowd. I can already picture his walk and mannerism. I'll recognize his frame as soon as I lay my eyes on it. It's funny, I was so worried about all the things I thought I had forgotten about him, but they're all still there in my memory. They are resurfacing as the countdown gets smaller and smaller. I can better remember the feel of his calloused hands, his smell, his smile, it's all coming back lol.

I'm currently stuck on the memory of me being overly dramatic on the day he left. I remember trying to be so strong and not cry in front of him that we didn't have a proper goodbye and I jumped into my car. I sat there for a minute and kicked myself in the ass. I couldn't leave it at that, got out of my car and ran after him to his car and told him to wait, I needed one more hug. He held on so tight.

Alright I just made myself tear up again lol, time to stop!

MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING HOME!!!!

A Mini Update - I'm getting Impatient!

My life has been pretty uneventful lately.... hence the lack of posts

I got a hair cut today....she took off 4 inches :( I feel like I have no hair left, even though it's still way pass my shoulders....It's usually to the middle of my back.

Asides from that I'm getting hella excited about my countdown, 14% to go according to my donut of misery! YA BABY!

I met CB's cousins wife yesterday for coffee. We pissed ourselves laughing in Tim Hortons! I actually made her cry with laughter. I told her about my idea of scaring the hell out of CB by stuffing a pillow under my shirt when I pick him up from the airport. By the time we were done joking around the plan involved me in a wheelchair, stomach stuffed, and a balloon attached to my wrist that said "Congratulations! It's a boy!" I do not doubt for a second he would stop in his tracks and run back towards the plane!

It was great to talk to someone else who is just as excited as I am to have him home. His brother and Cece really haven't said a thing to me lately. I find it kinda weird....but meh. At least her and my mom are super happy. I seriously am getting impatient with these last few weeks. Every morning I wake up and I cross off the date on my calendar with my big red sharpie and go down stairs proclaiming "My boyfriends coming home!!!"  The neighbors must think I'm crazy lol.

And now I'm off to school.

My Project & a CB Update

Well I posted a while ago I was going to attempt to crochet Gir from the Invader Zim cartoon for CB.....
this is what its suppose to look like

I, not knowing how to crochet at all decided to teach myself.... 3 tries later this is what I've got so far...

He ended up a lot bigger than I planned, I apparently I was adding all kinds of stitches without noticing, but I'm still pretty happy with him so far!

And as far as my CB update, I was ALL smiles yesterday afternoon. I went up to my locker on my break and noticed I got a message from him saying that I am amazing at picking dates. Apparently I nailed his homecoming dates when I booked off time at work. Woohoo!!! Now to start picking our mini vacation destination.

And Then I Saw Him

I walked into the restaurant at work, on my way to my locker, when I froze in place. Sitting at a table, all by him self, was a soldier. Not just any soldier, but a soldier dressed in uniform identical to CB's. I noticed the combats first and felt the first twinge of pain in my heart. The color of his beret is what caught my attention next and drove the knife in a little deeper.

He noticed me staring and frozen. He got up from his seat and stepped towards me. I stepped back. He said hi and I smiled and nodded. I stood there for a few more moments, it felt like forever, just starring at him and him looking at me. I finally found my words and apologized. I told him I didn't mean to be rude, I was just caught up in wishful thinking. He apologized, gave me a pity smile, and stepped out of my way.

I cried the rest of the way to my locker.

I've gotten use to seeing soldiers, the combats don't make me as emotional as they use to, unless it's a really bad day. It's that damn beret that broke me down. I've seen green, I've seen blue, I've seen  a few.... just not his color. It doesn't help that I'm blind as a bat from far and all I could see if that he had a similar build, height, and weight. And why on earth did he need to stand up? It only confused me more.

Other than that V-day went off without a hitch. I got to ignore the whole day at work, got an e-mail from CB (surprised he even noticed which day it was lol), and ended the night with some great sushi.

Super Excited

I don't have much time to make a real post as I should be leaving for work but I just had to jot down how I'm feeling at the moment!

It hit me today, like officially hit me, how soon he is coming home!!!!! I am literally dancing around my room with excitement. I even caught myself saying " meh, its only 4 days difference between his earliest possible date to his latest homecoming date, that's nothing!"

I started making him a little craft project. I don't know if any of you know the cartoon Invader Zim? Well there is an adorable little dog called Gir in it and I found a crochet pattern for him and I started him yesterday. Lol well see how he turns out since this is the first time I crochet anything, I'm better at knitting.
I'll post pictures of my progress and what he is actually suppose to look like soon.

Hope everyone has a great day :)

Engagement!!!!

Just not mine. I met one of my best school friends yesterday for coffee before class and she gave me the best news! Her boyfriend proposed to her earlier this week!

He did such a good job of throwing her off, she had no idea it was coming. Apparently, according to her, the whole "engagement" thing is not part of his culture so they decided he would just get her a bigger/better wedding ring instead. Well he LIED! He bought her the sweetest engagement ring ever and surprised her on his birthday.

I am so happy for her. It's funny though, you can tell she isn't use to the attention. She said she feels like shes in high school all over again. I laughed at this and told her she would probably get use to it in time. And her being her. she replies "well, chances are you'll know soon enough anyways and you can be the one feeling awkward! What isn't he home in just a hand full of weeks anyways?"

I told her that wasn't likely, although not to long ago I thought it was....

Anyways!!!

I got my first midterm back and I rocked it!! I seriously wanted to do my happy dance in the hallway but I restrained myself for when I got home! I get my other one back today too, I hope I did just as well but who knows.

I Love My Boyfriend

So after my rant yesterday I figured I'd post the good part of my day, yesterday.
I got to talk to CB TWICE!!!
I couldn't sleep again the other night and was up when he responded to my facebook message so we started sending a few back and forth until I told him to call. Only by the time he called I was half asleep and apparently I wasn't making any sense. All I remember is him telling me he was sweaty, he loved me, and he would call me later. I slept really well after that lol. It's been soo long since I heard his voice before falling asleep, I forgot how comforting it was.

Phone call #2 made me pretty happy as well. He laughed at the nonsense I was talking earlier, we joked around, and I got to talk to him about my insecurities about him coming home.

I started off by telling him that I knew what I was feeling was silly and stupid but that I still just needed to hear him tell me I was wrong. I expressed all my fears I'm feeling about homecoming, told him I was scared he would leave me again because of our past (he did it twice while we were trying to make things work in the beginning). His Response? "Well then, I really don't need to say anything if you know you're being silly and wrong, do I?" UGH!!! He made me laugh cause it's a typical CB answer. I told him I needed to hear the words and so he said them.

He told me things were different when we got together the last time. He asked if I had forgotten everything he had said to me in the car that night, when he came back and put up a fight for me and asked for me back. I told him I hadn't. He then told me he isn't one to talk emotions, which I told him I know, and he said "so just remember what I said then, I still mean it today. I love you, I miss you, I'm coming home to you". Needless to say my heart melted.

He may not be able to say what he feels all the time but when he does it means the world to me. I think that's part of why deployment has been so rough on me. He shows me in his day to day actions how he feels for me, and him being deployed kind of cuts into that. But I must admit he has done his best. He calls when I need him to, he calls frequently, he gladly bought me a winter jacket when I couldn't afford one, he listens while we are on the phone, and he lets my craziness slide when it shows its ugly head from time to time.

I'm so excited my countdown is getting so small, just about a month left. Woohoo!
Time to get my butt to La Senza and pick out a few outfits. I'm really tempted to buy a cute garter belt and stockings to wear under a dress to the airport BUT I have a feeling I'll probably end up jumping up on him to greet him and his brother and Cece will be there so I don't know exactly how long I'll be "stuck" in the outfit....

Kick You In The Face!

So I brought my car to the dealership today to get it looked at since it still isn't starting reliably.
I left 50$ poorer and pissed off.

The guy never told me on the phone that there was a fee just to look at my car yet that's the first thing he tells me when I walk in. "So it's just going to be 50$, like we talked about on the phone" Uh NO we didn't talk about it. All you asked for what my name, my number, and what day I'd like to come in on. THAT'S IT!!!
I told him he was wrong but that I'd be willing to pay it anyways because I need my car to be fixed and was positive it was something wrong which is still under warranty, in which case he would wave the 50$ fee.

The idiot couldn't even find my file in the computer from the last time I was there. I should have known at that point to ask to deal with someone else, like the guy I dealt with the first time I was there. But no, I continued with him. Anyways 15 minutes later he takes my keys and my girlfriend and I leave for lunch.

Fast forward 45 minutes and the idiot is calling me to tell me they're done. He is sorry to inform me but I do owe them 50$ and there is nothing wrong with my car. WTF??? So I ask him how this is possible and he says " I don't know the car started fine for us, anyways you can come pick it up and it will cost 50$." We go back and forth a bit on the phone, me not understand how they didn't find a single thing wrong with the car and him telling me "well you have a brand new belt on your car, when did you get that done?" Um.... I HAVEN'T.

 I may not speak car but my car is my baby and I know exactly what has been changed and done to it since I bought it and I'm the only one that has ever owned it, therefore I know my car! So the guy starts arguing with me about this and I tell him I'll be right over to figure everything out.

I get there and he greets me warmly and then he continues to tell me how much I owe, hello dude I heard you the first time! And so I start questioning how they can't figure out what's wrong with my car. He tells me he had a mechanic of 25 years look at it, it started fine and everything looks perfect expect for my automatic starter (which I already know doesn't work). He then goes on to tell me that I should go back to the dealership where I bought the car (2 hours away) to have them fix that and maybe they could figure it out. This is where I lost it. I told him firmly the starter hasn't worked for almost 3 years, it's never given me other problems in the car and I shouldn't have to drive back to where I bought the car to get it fixed, they should be able to tell me what's wrong.

This is about where he lost it! He started raising his voice at me asking if I thought they were incapable of doing their jobs, to which I replied yes! I told him he wasn't listening to the problem, clearly couldn't figure out the problem, and therefore was inadequate at his job. I snatched the bill from his hand, told him he was incredibly rude and that I clearly knew my car better than they did, since they couldn't figure shit out expect for to place blame somewhere else, and them cut off his reply by raising my voice to tell him his customer service skills left something to be desired.

YOU ASS!!!! Ugh he made me so mad. All I would have wanted was a polite "I'm sorry miss, we can't figure out the problem. Here are a few ideas for you to try at home to resolve the issue..." I just wanted him to listen instead of trying to tell me I was wrong. How can I be wrong when I know my car doesn't start in the morning and I'm always late for work or when I know there is a good chance my car wont start in the parking lot after work? I should make him come start my car one morning and then rub his face on the inside of my windshield, which is consistently frosted over every morning now, when it doesn't start.

So now I have no clue what to do.... If the dealership can't figure it out who the hell will?

Kicked my own ass

I just completed the 300 rep workout challenge and I'm dying!
I had to make some minor adjustments since I didn't have all the equipment. I change the pull ups for something else and used an old paint can instead of a sandbag lol. I am instantly sore!
My legs feel like a ton of bricks and now I can barely lift my arms.

CB seems to be getting a kick out of the fact that I keep coming to him with workout questions. He keeps telling me how proud he is of me too, which seriously helps mid workout! Every time I feel like I can't go on I remind myself of what he's said. I can't wait till he gets home so we can workout together.

I'm also impressed with myself at how much I challenge myself. There were a ton of times I wanted to stop and cry put I just kept pushing myself. I even got myself pumped up to do a few extra reps on some of the exercises. Yay me lol.

Zuzana is incredibly motivating. Her body is incredible and I love her personality. The workouts change so much from day to day that I can't see myself getting bored of them. That's why I've always struggled with the DVD workouts, you know what you're gonna get every time you put the DVD in. BORING.

And on a side note I just wanted to say thank you again to all of you for your kind words. It really helps to know you guys have been through this (deployment) or are going through it. Your words mean a lot to me and give me the "pick-me-up" that I need to finish this deployment. So, thank you!Thank you! Thank you!

Now I'm off to the drug store to go get some epsom salts for my tired muscles.

Starting To Forget...

I'm scared that I am starting to forget, or have already forgotten, certain things about CB...
I can't remember what he smells like, but I do remember he really stinks after working out
I can barely picture his smile, the few photos I have he doesn't smile in.
I forgot how much bigger his hands are than mine, but I do remember how callused and "manly" they were
I can't remember which arm has which tattoo on it, I think I know but I can't be 100% certain and it's driving me nuts.
There is a ton of other more important things but I wont get into them all.

I am torn again between excitement and fear over his approaching homecoming.  I know this is probably all normal but it still sucks. I'm excited for the obvious reasons. The fear comes from many places... I'm scared we wont be as connected as we were. I'm scared hes gotten use to being on his own and "single" again, especially since his best friend over there just left his common-law wife.

Despite being a very independent man he is easily influenced by his friends. When he was single he really identified with his single friends and they only encouraged bad behavior amongst each other. Then a lot of them found girlfriends, or started getting serious with the girls they were seeing so he did the same. I'm just scared and insecure about certain things and haven't had the time to talk them over with him. I'm not sure that I want to.

Of course with all this on my mind I can't help but notice he doesn't say I love you or I miss you, as much.
I am clearly pmsing.... lol

Zombie mode

I have not slept properly in about a week now. I don't know what's up. I'm exhausted all day and wide awake at night. It's driving my crazy. I'm suppose to be at work right now but because of my lack of sleep I had to come home. I was dizzy, disorientated, and feeling slightly feverish...not a good combo, especially when you're bending and lifting every 20 seconds.

So now I'm at home, pissed that I'm not at work, and not feeling up to studying or working out just yet. Boo.

I have this midterm on Wednesday that I'm iffy about writing. I've only been to 2 of the 4 classes, I haven't finished my readings, let alone had time to study what I have read. I'm really only left with today and Monday to attempt to get it all done, and it's a lot. It isn't one of my core courses so I'm really thinking of just dropping the class....ugh I wish I knew I'd be ready. My biggest issue with this is: IF I do decide to study for it, and try to catch up I still risk not doing well since I missed the lectures. Then I'll be pissed because I could have moved ahead in another class and tackled something that's more important. Blah... I'll probably flip a coin lol.
What would you do? for those of you in school.

I have come up with an exciting idea the other day! I started figure skating when I was really young and kept at it for 14 years. I've always loved it and seriously regretted giving it up. Well the other day I was thinking of how I could make a little extra money and TA-DA it hit me! I'm looking in to getting certified to teach little kids to learn how to skate!!! I did it as a volunteer while I was part of my old skating club, we helped out the coaches, and it was such a great experience. I loved it to death. So hopefully I can figure out all the details this week and get my butt moving on it!

Oh and I'm sore as hell from the workout yesterday and I'm loving it! I had so much energy after I was shocked. I almost wanted to do a second workout but realized that was crazy.

Time to Stop Being Lazy

I have just over a month before CB gets back and it is time to get off my ass.
He has always been in great shape, obviously, and I was in better shape before he left. It is time to knock off the few pounds I put on while he was away from the emotional eating and my bad eating habits.

I realize I spend so much wasted time on the computer "studying" so instead I'm going to hopefully force myself to work out at home. The plan is to use her insane workouts and if I am consistent enough I am going to reward myself with kick boxing classes. Kick boxing has been something I have been dying to do for years but have been to scared to sign up for.

I may or may not take some before and after pictures to see what I can accomplish in a month, I haven't decided yet. But I do know I am not getting on the scale before I start, I don't want to get caught up on numbers. I always kick myself in the ass over the number on the scale. I am going to rely on the mirror and how I feel.

Alright off to trade my slippers for running shoes and try not to die during the first workout.

Exhaustion

I can hear it in his voice. He is worn out and tired. It kills me that I am unable to do more than just give him supportive and encouraging words.
I'm sending out my very last care package today to get him through the last little bit.

I had my first dream about his homecoming, it was nothing romantic lol. He was drunk and insisting on going out to a bar to party, despite the fact that he was way too intoxicated to be let in.

I was just thinking about how long he has been gone and how soon he will be home. It seems like he has missed nothing and everything all at the same time. Does that make any sense to anyone?

I am more than ready to have him home just as I am sure he is more than ready to be home. I am tired of hogging the bed and blankets. I am excited to going back to "steam rolling" over him in the mornings to wake him up. I can't wait to having to go back to  walking 2 blocks to go get coffee, instead of walking downstairs and having it ready.

*What I miss about him most today - is his optimism and free spirited ways.

So Frustrating *updated*

All the buses from my area to the university have been canceled for the last 2 hours, do you think they canceled the course? Nope! No clue how I'm going to get there and it's the last class before the exam.... WTF

It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't miss class last week or if she actually lectured from the book, but no! She always goes way off subject in class. No clue what to do. Don't know anyone in class and she doesn't post anything online to help us.... Hmmm...

Looks like I'll be standing in the snow for a while hoping a bus shows up. BOO!
*update*
I decided to say fuckit and stayed home from school today. I rather focus my attention on a class that is actually part of my curriculum and study for my exam tomorrow than risk being out there for a simple elective class. If it means I do horrible on the exam next week, oh well I'll drop the class.

Douche Bag

So the other day at work I was really shocked by one of my coworkers. There is this guy, lets call him Joe, that works in a different department than I do but that I have to walk buy to and from my breaks on occasion. Well we have always made small chat, mostly him initiating it. He is aware that I have a boyfriend and yet continues to try and talk to me. At first I thought I was reading too much into it, that was until today.

We both ended up on break around the same time and so when I went to eat lunch I sat at the table he was at (theres only 2 tables and I didnt know anyone else at the other table). I put my phone on the table and started eating my hotdogs. Before I know it he's like "can I snoop around in your phone?" Me, knowing it was locked, said sure go right ahead. I don't really remember how it happened but before I knew what I was doing, I was unlocking my phone to let him scan my bar code. IDIOT!

Hold on it gets worse.

"Hey add me on facebook. I know you're taken. I have a girlfriend but I would like the chance to get to know you." This is what he sends me from across the staff lunch table so nobody hears him. WOW. Someone has balls...  I just smiled and joked that I didn't know how to add someone as a friend on facebook from my phone and I'd figure it out later.

He ends up walking down with me when my break is done, I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I got up first and said I had to go back and by the time I put my stuff away in my locker hes standing at the door holding it open, waiting for me.  We start walking back and he asks if my boyfriend would mind us getting to know each other. I told him that no CB doesn't really care if I add work friends to facebook, and if he wants to talk from time to time on facebook thats fine. I kept trying to mention subtly that I really had no interest in getting to know him one-on-one but I didn't want to be too direct because we all know what response I would've gotten, "oh no, you misunderstood! That's not what I meant!"

Anyways after asking someone at work I found out his girlfriend works at IKEA as well. She is gorgeous and a sweet girl. Also, apparently this is usual behavior for him. Who shits where they eat? What is wrong with people today? Not only is what you are doing wrong on so many levels, you're asking for trouble.  I really hope, for her, that I over read into this situation....but I doubt it.

People Watching

It's basically what gets me through my days at work. I watch the people in my lines and notice certain trends in customers.

There's the classic "gangster" wannabe who wears there sunglasses inside and pays in 20's, they usually seem to act like I should be impressed that they have that much cash on them.... I'm usually just stuck on "how much weed did you smoke before coming in here that you can't take your sunglasses off?"

Then there is the "ultra chic" mid-aged, usually single, woman. She also refuses to take her sunglasses off. She's usually dressed in some ridiculous outfit that is so not weather appropriate, she treats the cashiers in a condescending way, calling us "sweetie" or "hun" and expects her IKEA purchases gift wrapped on a silver platter. All I want to tell her is "You will not meet your future husband at IKEA, all the men that come here are a) gay, b) pushing a stroller, or c) handymen so put your jacket back on and go buy some pants!!"

There is also the married couples, which can be broken down into two categories! The married for "just long enough", where the husband is usually rolling his eyes at his wife while she hums and haws, again, at the cash over if she is buying the right thing. If the husband isn't rolling his eyes in this case, the wife is telling the husband what to do and that he isn't doing it right. I don't think I would be wrong in guessing their life in the bedroom looks exactly the same. Sorry I had to. Okay the second category is the old married couples. I love, love, love these couples. They know their roles so well, they hardly have to say anything. They know who's paying, who's packing, and are almost always pleasant. I just want to hug them.

My least favorite, the creepy old man. He has no concept of personal space, stares too long, gives compliments, uses your name after he's read it on your name tag, and takes too long to move after you have finished his transaction. In these cases I want to go rub hand-sanitizer all over myself.

There are so many others, but I'll save them for a rainy day.

The e-mail that made my day

Work was going well and lunch time rolled around. I happily ran upstairs to my locker to grab my cigarettes and bolt outside to get my nicotine fix. As I was fishing for my lighter I see the little red light on my blackberry blinking. I had missed a call, from CB! Ugh I was so down, this was 2 days in a row he had called while I was at work. I was so frustrated cause I had sent him a few e-mails telling him which days I was free to talk. I was scared since he had called 2 days in a row he wouldn't have a chance for the rest of the week. So I headed outside pouting. 

As I'm smoking my cigarette, I started pulling up the facebook notification, thinking to my self "great another junk invite or mass message". Well, SURPRISE, it wasn't. It was CB, and this is what he wrote:

"Thanks honey bunyy for the words of encouragement, this last month was a long one for sure. sorry I did call you again I was hoping to hear your sweet liittle voice again but ill wait until tomorrow. i hope exam went well the other day. Feb is a short month hurray"

Totally made my day!! I can't help but love that he tried calling knowing he probably wouldn't be able to reach me but had to try just in case. I love that man. I can't wait for tomorrow!!!!! That phone is going to be glued to my hand.

Now for my next wish, cancel classes tomorrow on account of the snowstorm! I could use the whole day to study for the midterm on thursday! Not to mention the 33 other things I need to get done.

And on a quick side note I'd like to say hi and thank you to all my new followers! 

Guess What?

This is going to be quick as I am suppose to be getting ready to go to work, blah.
I just wanted to point out the obvious! Today is the first day of February!!!! Woohoo.
Once this month is over it will only be a matter of a handful of days until CB is home!!!!
For all of you with your lovers deployed, I hope this month passes quickly as it brings us one step closer to being with the ones we love.
Yay for February being a mini month!!!

And now to go put on my ugly yellow ikea sweater.....Keep your fingers crossed for me that the snowstorm keeps everyone away!

Oh What A Night....And It's Not Over Yet

I HATE people that sell things door to door! If this is your chosen profession, I'm sorry but I would slam the door in your face any day of the week.

Two guys just came to my door, ring the bell and then back up into the shadows so I have to open to door to so who or what it is. I open the door to have them both step up onto the front step, I notice one is on a cell phone so I look to their hands to see if they are lost delivery people, nope no food. I close the main door so it's only open a few inches and stare at them blankly. Finally the genius on the phone says "are your parents home?"
Me - What do you want?
Him - oooh, you live here?
Me - No, I just come over here in my pajamas to answer the door at dinner time. Can I help you?
Him - Oh, umm... we are with energy saver....
Me - *shutting the door*
Him- No! Wait! Wait!!! ....FUCK!

If you are coming to my house or calling me, whatever it is you are selling is CLEARLY not a something I  need or probably want.   Thanks for trying, please don't let the door catch your fingers as I shut it.

Can you tell I'm grumpy? lol
I came home to a TRASHED house. The dog went crazy. Ever since my mom left a few days ago he is acting up when I leave for work. Tonight I came home to find he had made his way into the trash can, stole bubble gum from CB's care package, and Houdini-ed his way into my room where he decided to eat a stick of deodorant and chew on some cotton balls. WTF?? The worst was when I came back downstairs and almost sat on the cat poop he took out of the litter-box...

I know my dog isn't that well trained but this is like a whole new level. He never acts this bad when I'm out of town and my mom's working. I don't get it. I need the dog whisperer ASAP

And now to try and study with a headache! Wish me luck :)

A How To Guide

How to study unsuccessfully
1. Leave your laptop open, in front of you
2. Sit in front of the TV
3. Leave the TV on a reality show station
4. Get up every 20 minutes to look for something new in the fridge
5. Wake the dog up every 40 minutes because he just looks too cute
6. Make yourself a self-test quiz, and then cheat
7. Distract yourself with the fact that you've cheated on your own test with facebook and blogs
8. Decide to waste more time making this post
9.....heading back to the fridge.....

A Few Confessions

I was sitting up in bed last night, wide awake, when it hit me!
I am a night binge eater...
This is what my horrible eating habits look like:
I have to start the day with Coffee & a cigarette
If I don't have work  I make breakfast at noon
If i do have work  I only eat around 2, on my first break
Come home from school or work and stuff my face with dinner
Go upstairs and study
Come back downstairs at about 11 and make a snack to take back up to my room and eat in bed.....
I'll either make myself a gigantic bowl of fresh popcorn or....my really guilty gross pleasure...a crunched up pack of Mr.noodles, raw.... I know, it's gross but I love it.

Last night I made popcorn, ate it all!, and then came downstairs 30 minutes later to make myself a Bistro...
I love eating in bed, CB has no idea lol

A few other random confessions/facts:

I love to steal boy sweaters, they're so much more comfortable

If I could spend everyday all day in sweat or yoga pants I would, when I have to put jeans on to venture out into the "real world" I rip them off as soon as I get home!!!

I think I am starting to suffer from anxiety attacks, but nothing completely debilitating so far I've managed myself through them

I'm pretty sure I took to psychology to help me "deal" with myself and understand things in my life

My mom and I have a friendship like no other and it's my relationship with her that has convinced me I must have kids at some point in my life

It is my relationship with my brothers and the whole family dynamic that has convinced me adoption is not for me, not that there is anything wrong with it. I think my dad adopting my two brothers is a wonderful thing but I  unfortunately grew up seeing a bad scenario of it and it scares the crap out of me.

This deployment/experience has reminded me of how strong we all are. We are all facing our own unique struggles by being a part of this military lifestyle. Time and time again we have meet, overcome, or are in the process of beating the obstacles put in our path for choosing to be with the men we love. I couldn't be in this positive of a place right now if it weren't for all of your kind, supporting, and thoughtful words. So, thank you!! Especially to Amber, who has left me with the most meaningful quote "If God brings you to it, he'll get you through it". I am not very religious but it still has great significance to me.

On that note! Go checkout http://miligirlfriends.blogspot.com/ !
Kelsey was very thoughtful in starting this community. It always helps to meet others who are going through the same things we are, I know it has helped me A LOT!

Oh and don't forget there is also http://www.household6diva.com/

The Most Unromantic V-day Care Package Ever

What is he getting for valentines day? A whole lot of junk lol.
A couple of cds, a ton of candy, a bubble gum piggy-bank machine, a Tim Horton's gift card, a cute card, a couple of letters, and some pictures of the things he has missed.
LAME!!!!
I can't think of anything else. I wanted to do the personalized M&M's but it comes out to like 100$, thank you but no!
I was thinking of doing sexy couple coupons but...HELLO he's coming back from overseas, I don't think we'll need coupons.
So he is getting the most unromantic box ever and I'm sure he wont mind in the least since he is such a "manly man" while he is over there. lol

I want my big suckypoo teddy bear back! Now!

Oh and my exam....not so good... one question made me want to cry, I honestly debated on just drawing a picture in the space provided to give my answer.

It's Creeping Up On Me

So remember how I was complaining about not being more excited about knowing when CB will be home?
That's changing day by day! I am getting way more excited and impatient!YAY!!

We talked a bit today about who he wants there to pick him up and what our plans are for our first day back together. No surprise there, he wants Thai food!

My plan is to stock the fridge with food, the liquor cabinet with a few bottles of wine and maybe some vodka, and a bunch of other things that mean we don't have to leave the house unless we want to.

He was in a better mood today, perhaps because of the overload on redbull, but it was nice to see he wasn't as stressed out as yesterday.

I stupidly told him this stalker story that happened to me the other day on the bus without thinking and he went into full fledge worry mood. He started freaking out about me taking the bus so late at night and him not being here to take care of me. I don't know what I was thinking, obviously I wasn't, when I told him this story. Thankfully he was hopped-up on redbull and changing the subject was really easy.

I have a stupid test today.... freaking philosophy...
Ugh.

6 weeks!!!!!....yea, so much for me not counting down huh? lol

It Breaks My Heart...

...to hear that he is having a hard time over there. He called today and despite everything that is going on he opened up a little. He is extremely frustrated with some stuff that is going on there. It kills me that he isn't able to say more and that I have no idea what he is going through or how to help asides from being supportive.

He says he is more than ready to come home now and can't wait to get out of there. I told him to hang in there and he'll be eating Thai food before he knows it. I may have to call ahead and warn them that he's coming.

It was funny to hear him breaking down the time apart left into smaller chunks as a way to make it seem more manageable. I've done this countless times so it was cute to see him do it too.

Let Me Off!

Yesterday I mentioned that I would devote a post to the wonderful news I received last night, so here it is!

I was sitting at the dinner table stuffing my face with pizza and salad when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number and almost didn't answer but something urged me to. Well I'm happy I did because it was the lovely Mrs. I-take-care-of-the-wives-and-girlfriends calling with the news I have been waiting for since October. 

I got my first set of possible homecoming dates!!! It's earlier than I expected and so far not in conflict with any exams, which is amazing, She also gave me some news about where we will be able to pick them up and how soon after they arrive they plan on having them released to us. All in all good news. I do realize this is all subject to change at any time, but I'm kinda hoping it sticks within the time line she gave me because it works perfectly for my life. I know that sounds incredibly selfish but it's the truth. 

I still don't understand why I'm not more excited... 

I'm kind of scared to be honest, well actually I'm feeling a lot of emotions about the whole thing. 

To me, the timing of the news and the news itself is like taking me off the roller-coaster of deployment and throwing me straight onto the teacups before I've even realized what's hit me. (And my news I am referring to both what CB told me and the phone call). I just thought I had figured shit out and the rules are about to change on me, AGAIN! I can not wait to get off this ride and go back to something simpler, like the carousel. 

What Has Changed

I am no longer wearing his dog tags daily, the results? I feel much lighter without the constant reminder that he is gone hanging around my neck, weighing me down.

I have stopped counting down daily. Although this was somewhat kiboshed this evening when I got a call that would normally make me ecstatic....

I was given CB's possible arrival dates and it's sooner than I had expected! Why am I not more excited??? What's wrong with me? There was no jumping for joy, no rush of happiness, just a mediocre sense of meh.... Anyways there was tons of good news with that call and I'll make sure to make a post deserving of it soon.

Back to what I am doing differently!

I am no longer going to centralize my life around him. I am going to rely on myself, do what is best for myself, and stop getting ahead of myself. So basically, I'm pulling back. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and want him in my life for long term but it's the only way, at the moment, that I can see coming to terms with the new conditions of our relationship once he puts his plan in action. If I am still stuck in a head-over-heals follow-you-to-the-end-of-the-earth mindset with him, I wont put my needs above us and the reality is I'll need to otherwise my school and work will suffer.

And as far as doing as he asked and seeing his plans in a positive way, I think I have accomplished that to some extent as well. I have come up with an idea for him to test out this whole flipping houses thing. Since he will be selling his place, I think it's only smart that the 4 of them work together on making minor improvements on his house so that he can get the most money for his current place and have a larger security net, just in case. They'll get to see how well they work together, he'll hopefully up the value on his place, they'll learn what skills they need to improve on, and they'll also hopefully learn which areas are the best to invest in, in a house.

....I still don't get why the 4 of them wouldn't be approved for a mortgage if they all went in together but that's a rant for another day....

Runaway Weekend Recap

I packed my bags Friday and took off for the weekend and it was exactly what I needed. It's allowed me to put some things in perspective and let me tell you, somethings are going to change! I'll post about those changes very shortly but I am exhausted from this weekend and need to catch up on some sleep and studying.

I'm leaving on a jetplane

I'm taking this weekend for myself! I am packing my bags and just getting away from everything. Deployment, CB, School, myself, stress, and everything and anything else I can temporarily run away from for 48 hours.

Positive My Ass!

My good mood lasted for all of what? A couple of hours? Great!

CB called. I should be excited right? Well I have mixed emotions. I'm super happy to hear from him and we had a good talk but it left a bitter taste in my mouth and a sad mood in my heart.

I blogged a while ago about CB's dreams to flip a house and a few ideas he had planned for his return, you can read about it here. Well I thought the crazy idea of him giving up his place here was gone, boy was I wrong.
I was living in make believe land apparently.
He just informed me that he is putting his house on the market when he gets home. He has 3 partners he is going into business with and since all of them have families and houses he is the only one that can take on a new house under his name, provided he gives up the one he has now.

I was shocked. This is now something else that gets put ahead of me in his list of priorities. I told him coming second to his job was fine, I agreed to that when I said yes to date him. But now I come 3rd to this new project. What this means for us as a couple is...god I don't even know. I wont get to see him on weekends because I'll be at work, I'll be at school during the week, as will he. He will only be a 2 hour drive away which isn't horrible but it just makes everything that more complicated.

If he comes to visit me here, I live with my mom so we get no privacy. If I go to visit him there we'll be staying in the shacks or a property that is being renovated. Can you say romantic?

I straight up told him that if this was his way of leaving me he better just come straight out and say it. He said it wasn't and I believe him. He said he wanted me to be included in this. I basically told him I wasn't thrilled about the idea and to be prepared for me to bitch and moan about it while we go through it. He said it would only be for a couple of years...And I flat out told him not to waste my time. I told him I loved him very much and I saw a future with him, but if he didn't see me there at the end of all this he needs to let me know because it's not fair to me to drag me along if he isn't serious.

I don't mind supporting him and sacrificing my happiness so he can accomplish his dreams, but there is a limit. I can only handle so much. I need to know that there will be a point where I will come first and it wont always be me giving up the things I want for him. I only think its fair that he should be willing to do the same for me, at some point if need be.

I am going to be honest and admit that I am scared shitless of this scenario. I don't know if I will be strong enough to cope with it. I barely get to see him as it is and he is deliberately taking that away from us. I understand the reason behind it, I do, but I can't help it and be selfish to actually want to spend time with him. I know I am not wrong in that aspect. I am so confused right now. I know he is the one I want to be with but I know myself well enough to know this is not a situation I will cope with well. This will eat at me from the inside out and play on all my insecurities .

FML

Usher - My Way

This is what I am currently dancing to around the kitchen as I make breakfast! Thought I'd share

Who doesn't love Usher?

On The Brighter Side

I figured since all I did was bitch in my last post, today I would focus on the silver lining of a few things.
The good news:

• 2 months left in deployment.

There actually may be less than 2 months left, according to CB. He wont give me dates, obviously, but he has hinted my countdown is way off, in a good way. Woohoo!!! I am still trying to keep my countdown in mind because we all know the dates are subject to change at any time, but it's getting harder and harder to focus on my original date I guessed he'd be home.

• Cece might have a new love interest

She may not be home on weekends by the time CB is home!!! He doesn't live here so she'd have to travel to see him. He's a soldier as well, which we both laughed about because she has told me countless times she can't do what I do, in regards to deployment.

• My first day off from school or work in a long time is right around the corner! SUNDAY!!

I use to hate Sunday's because it meant CB was going back to base but this week it means I get to stay in my pjs all damn day if I want to. I do still hate the weekends. I thought 4 months into deployment I'd be over it but a part of me still knows this is when he should be here with me. I think that's why I'm so grumpy at work on the weekends, all the couples make me jealous. I just want to grab the girls and shake them and say "Do you know how lucky you are that you get to waste your Saturday at IKEA with your boyfriend???" But chances are I'd get fired pretty quickly....So instead I just live vicariously through them for the few minutes they are at my cash.

• I got my grades back for last semester, finally, and I am pretty happy with them!! I did better than I thought in my forensic class so thats a plus!!!

Speaking of school, sitting in a class for 420 people is annoying. I know I said I was going to stay positive but  come one, it is me after all. In this particular class laptops and all electronic devices are banned unless you can  prove you require one. Well this girl sitting in front of me last night somehow got a note to say she needed hers to take notes, fine! Except for the girl spent the ENTIRE class on facebook and every other site she could think to google. Do you have any idea how distracting that is?? All I can see in a dark classroom is her computer screen glowing in my face as she's chatting away. Needless to say, I understand why the Prof banned them and I will be making sure not to sit behind her again.

• I love my dog. If I didn't have him to give all my love and affection to during this I would go insane. 

Ugh! Get Out Of My Life!

That's right, it's a post about Cece. If you don't want to hear me rant and bitch leave now! Otherwise get your cup of coffee, settle in, and prepare yourself.

For those of you who don't know she is CB's best friend and is currently living in his house while he is deployed.
And she is also the source of a lot of my frustration.

The last time I saw her I was picking up her fish to babysit, oh about a month ago!!!! Well Mr. Fish is still here... Okay fine so what if I have grown attached to him and don't want to give him back to her neglectful ass, she should still be asking about him! I have spoken to her on a couple of occasions and she doesn't even mention him. She is a horrible fish-mommy. Thank god I talked the two of them out of getting a dog. I can't even imagine how things would be right now if they had gotten a dog together and she was pulling this same shit.

Anyways so the pissing me off all started today when I logged into facebook and instantly got a message from her. I rolled my eyes and checked my emails before I opened it to see CB had messaged me and was trying to get me to come online. I was pissed my blackberry hadn't notified me and told him I was so sorry for missing him. Once that's sent I figured I'd take a look at what Cece had to say. The conversation went a little something like this:
Cece - OMG you just missed CB
Me - I know... I just read my e-mails he sent me. My blackberry some how didn't notify me.
Cece- oh...lol...that sucks
Me- yea.... So, how is he?
Cece- Good.
Me- Good? What did he say? When can he call? What has he been doing?
Cece - Yea he's good. What are you doing?

And that's about the point where I threw my curling iron across the room like a child in full blown tantrum mood. Honestly, what is the point of telling me I just missed talking to him if you aren't going to say anything else????? Thank you for rubbing it in my face you ____!!!

I swear if she isn't harping to me about how hard this is for her, she's constantly reminding me of how they'd share the same bed whenever they were together. Then there is the whole fact that she is still asking CB for money for bills that her parents are paying. That she is using his house as if it was her own, invites whoever she wants over, has parties without asking him, uses his bedroom as a guest room, rearranges his furniture, and has completely covered the back deck in garbage bags that her lazy ass can't be bothered to bring out.... There isn't even set garbage days! She can bring it down to the garbage bin in the back where her car is any day she pleases....

I don't want her in my life. She is not someone I would chose to hang out with on my own. I do not respect or like her. I swear!!! Down the line CB and I get married he is not forcing me to put her in my bridal party, she can be his best man for all I care but I am not going to have a bridesmaid that I want to kick in the face. With my luck she'll tag along to the honeymoon too.

It snowed in my car

I don't feel like writing much lately.... I've been slacking in all areas except school it seems.
I still haven't put CB's Valentines day box together, I've only had the stuff for like a week now.
I haven't heard from him since our "fight".
I cried at work today when I served a soldier, this is becoming pretty common.
I'm having more car issues, mainly the fact that the inside of my car is freezing up and I have to scrape off the ice with random credit cards in my wallet.

This is what the inside of my car looked like after work yesterday! Good times lol

I am exhausted! I am going on my second week straight of no days off. If I'm not at work, I'm at school, and if I'm not at school I'm in my room studying for school. I really need to start playing the lottery.

Alright enough of my boring rant of blah, back to the books!

I Snapped

The other day CB and I were "talking" on facebook and it ended up with me losing it.

Why did I use "talking"? Well because you could hardly call what we were having a conversation. He was clearly talking to like everyone and their mother, which is fine. Once I realized he was distracted I sincerely offered to give up my chance to talk to him so he could focus on talking and catching up with everyone else. Besides I had to get ready for school, so the timing wasn't that great on my end either. He thanked me and left me alone, for a whole 5 minutes.

Blow dryer and round brush in hand, I notice him messaging me again on facebook. He pulls me in by paying attention for the first few minutes and I set down the dryer and brush to talk to him only to be disappointed by his one word answers. I let this go on for way too long till one of his one word responses makes me lose it. I had written something very personal to which he replied "beautiful". At this point I was furious told him I was going to be late for school, which I was,and slammed my laptop shut. Did I mention I'm pmsing??

2 minutes later I can't stop myself  from sending him a nasty email telling him how after the bad week I had I thought maybe he would have been a little more responsive and caring. I told him I knew everyone wanted to talk to him and that's why I was willing to give up talking to him because I wasn't in the mind set to fight for his attention, not on a computer, especially not facebook.

I of course apologized in another email a little later on and now I feel horrible. I really wish I could have kept myself in line more but I'm not perfect and shit happens. I just don't want that to be the last thing he reads for a few days, I really hope he gets to see my "I'm sorry email" soon.

Dear Army

Dear Army,

I want my boyfriend back. Now!

Sincerely,
Elle

Who Cries In Public?

I do! At work!

They day started off great, I got in and we were having technical difficulties so no one could work till 2pm. We sat around talking, having coffee, and just bonding while we waited for them to fix whatever was wrong. After a couple of hours of this they moved us all into the restaurant where they gave us all free lunch and we ate in the dark.Overall a great way to start the day. I ended up getting to know 2 coworkers a little better and bonding with one who has been through deployment as well.

As her and I are sitting in the dark and shes showing me pictures of her man when he was overseas, CB messages me on facebook. Have I mentioned yet how much I love my blackberry??? CB and I got to send a few messages back and forth. It hurt my heart though, I could tell he was having a rough day. He never messages me first unless he is replying to what I sent the night before, he was straight out mushy without me prompting it, and he was asking to call.  Stupid IKEA and your tin roofs, I barely could keep reception and there was nowhere private enough to talk so I had to tell him it wasn't the best time to call... That left me a little upset, who ever wants to turn down a phone call? But I figured that would be easier on both of us than repeated dropped calls and not being able to talk.

Anyways fast forward into my shift, it's now 6pm and I am counting down the minutes till I am free. Don't 2 soldiers get into the line beside mine. It's a slow night so there is no where else to focus my attention on and I can't stop noticing them. I turn to my left and tell one of my coworkers to quickly tell me a joke and make me laugh because I can feel tears building. (He is aware of my situation and ex military) He comes through and I start giggling. I then had to turn around to talk to my customer but instead one of the soldiers is standing directly in front of me. He smiles at me, says something and moves my ladies basket out of their way.

Well that was all it took! I quickly wrapped up with my customer and bolted to the bathroom where I broke down. I was in there for a couple of minutes and realized staying in there alone was only making it worse. I pulled myself together, wiped the mascara off my face, and went back to my register. The same guy who I had asked to tell me a joke stopped me on my way back. He is such a sweetheart, he asked if I was okay enough to be hugged and I said yes. He told me to go take a few more minutes if I needed them and I told him I was fine. He knew I was lying and tried to insist I go back, I refused. Once I got to my cash, I realized why he was insisting I go back to the washroom, the soldiers hadn't left yet. I just turned my back to their direction and sniffled as I called out "I can help the next person over here!". The lady that came to my line looked at me like I was crazy as I sniffled and scanner her items...Not that I blame her.

Fish-napper

I have decided I no longer want to give the beta back... I got use to having him in my room! I'm really actually going to miss him when he's back.

However, I will note a few things

1. He is the dirtiest fish I have ever met! His water is dirty 12 hours after I clean it.
2. He is defective or really shy. I can't get him to "blow up" 
3. He is the most active and observant fish I have ever met! He swims to the corner of the tank closest to my bed when I wake up and look over at him and he swims to the corner closest to my door when I come in. (I realize this is probably all coincidence but I am choosing to ignore that)
4. I don't think he likes me as much as I like him. He continuously tries to commit fish suicide when I clean his tank by attempting to jump out of his temporary bowl.

Yes, I am procrastinating from study....